


The 5 Reasons

by Bloodiedpixie



Category: The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Series - Mackenzi Lee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Backgroud Johanna/Sim, Bisexual Male Character, Blood, Brief description of violence, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misgendering, Mutual Pining, Punk Rock, Some Drug Use, Swearing, Trans Male Character, alcohol use, brief mentions of sex, mentions of abuse, trans percy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 48,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27178795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bloodiedpixie/pseuds/Bloodiedpixie
Summary: Percy Newton is part of the upcoming punk band The 5 Reasons. His best friend Monty goes to every gig, hypes up anything he can, and even does Percy's make up before shows. What Percy doesn't know is Monty is deeply in love with him. So while trying to balance his not so great home life, Monty has to figure what to do about his crush, and what he wants to do with his life.OrPercy is a punk and Monty needs a hug au
Relationships: Henry "Monty" Montague/Percy Newton
Comments: 36
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1: Band Practice

**Author's Note:**

> If you would like to listen while you read, you can at [The 5 Reasons Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WRVCs5haW2yOmG2BKMmYv?si=nU3cqS1HTcyb_D7ndzmuJg)

It’s Thursday night at Eleftheria; I’m sat at the bar waiting for Percy to finish practice with _The 5 Reasons Tonight_ ; they’ve played a total of 18 songs, some repeating because of a chord mess up or lyric forgotten. A few were covers of classic punk songs, _Cherry Bomb_ , _No Feelings_ , _London Calling_. Usually, they only play about 10 and call it a night, but they’re really going through the catalog. It’s about 3:30 in the morning, I think. The bar is empty, all tables have chairs on them, and one employee is still mopping the floors as Sim’s voice fills the building. Scipio hits his dishrag against the bar with a thud, “You think they’re gonna stop playin’, I gotta sleep, ya know.” Scipio looks annoyed as fuck right now. “I know, Scip, I’m sorry, how about Perce and I lock up, and you can go home.” I say in the most “Please don’t be mad” voice I can make. He’s silent for a bit, then glances to Percy, who is shedding the guitar on one of their faster songs, _Dented Case_ , I think? I can’t really tell at the moment Scipio turns away from the band to point at me. “No getting into the alcohol, no taking money from the register, clean the stage, and lock up, tight. If anything happens to the bar, I’m blaming you two.” Scipio says in a very demanding voice; I nod swiftly and give a little salute with two fingers, “Aye, aye captain.” Scipio rolls his eyes a little before throwing the dishrag over the sink and hanging his apron. He turns back to me, tossing the ring of keys towards me. I flinch a little, and I almost drop them on the floor. Stupid fucking reflexes. Scipio comes around the bar and places a hand on my shoulder, “Monty, just uh, get home safe ok?” He says quietly; it’s almost inaudible because of the music. “Will do, Scip.” Scipio leaves after waving to Percy, who nods towards him while still playing.

Percy playing guitar is a fucking spectacle. His arms flex while his fingers dance up and down the fretboard. Sweat runs down his face, neck, and…everywhere really. If he is playing a particularly difficult song, he’ll bite his lip, and once he gets past the difficult part, he smiles, a tiny smile, but it’s there. About 10 minutes after Scip leaves, the songs stop, and they start packing up. I push myself off the tall bar stool and walk over to Percy, who is wiping his face with his shirt (I honestly don’t think it counts as a shirt; there are so many rips…not complaining, though). Percy smiles at me as he starts unplugging things and putting various musical things away. “Played a great set tonight,” I say, pulling myself up on stage to help clean up. Sim is almost completely packed up in under a minute, which is incredibly impressive considering she’s packing her bass and microphone. “Perce, you good hanging posters this time?” Sim asks, holding a stack of posters loosely held together with a bandana. “Sure, why are you in such a rush to leave?” Percy asks, taking the stack of posters and placing them next to his guitar case. “Yeah, are we that revolting that you have to run?” I say, raising an eyebrow at her, “I’m not in a rush. I just want to get to bed.” Sim says, looking away from me to close her bass case; I bet she’s blushing. “You need a ride? I know you live pretty far from here.” Georgie says, taking apart his drums so he can move them backstage. Georgie is younger than everyone else; I’m really surprised his parents have let him stay out this long…I mean, he’s 17 but still young, dammit.

“Nah, I’ll just take the bus,” Sim says, picking up her things. The bus? The bus doesn’t run this late; the only people who live within walking distance are Percy, who I know she isn’t staying with; otherwise, she’d hang around; the only other person is- “Johana,” Percy and I say in unison. We must be right because instead of Sim’s usual eye roll, she blushes and stays silent. Georgie points at Sim with a drumstick and chuckles. It’s rare to see Sim blush or flustered, so I can understand Georgie’s laugh. Sim, in return, flicks one of her picks at Georgie, which promptly bounces off him. Percy laughs a little and places his guitar off the side of the stage. I love that laugh. “Look, I’m just going to hang with her; we’re friends,” Sim says, trying to convince us…it’s not working. She jumps off the stage and lugs her bass case and microphone case off with her. “Look, you and Johana friends like Monty and Percy are,” Georgie says, stacking a couple of drums on top of each other. Now it’s our turn to blush; Percy and I are friends, I’ve always wanted more, but he will never see that. He is a tall bumbling punk rock moron who can’t see I’m head over heels for him (or head over platforms, as he once told me). He’s not a moron; he’s Percy; he wears leather jackets from thrift stores that he paints and pokes till they look exactly right. He takes t-shirts and rips them up just enough where no one will tell him to change. He wears tight ripped black jeans with an anarchy symbol he’s painted on every back-right pocket…which I have now realized I am staring at. DAMMIT MONTY FOCUS. “-right, Monty?” Percy says he’s now standing with his arms crossed looking smug; he probably said something witty that he needs me to back him up on.

“What? Oh, yes, of course.” I say coming out of my ‘Oh lord, I am very in love with my best friend who has a fantastic ass’ daze, maybe the ‘A’ is for ass…I’ll asks him later. “See, Monty agrees; we’re just friends,” Percy says, unfolding his arms then jumping off the stage. Well, shit, I really wish I didn’t agree to that. I mean, I would have had even if I were listening, but it still stings. “Whatever, see you tomorrow, assholes!” Sim yells as she leaves the bar; she must’ve made it all the way over to the doors while I was entranced. Georgie is almost completely packed up, and Percy is looking around the building for something. I sit down and then slide off the front of the stage; it is far too high up for me to jump. I make my way over behind the bar and sling the dishrag over my shoulder. “What are you searching for, traveler?” I say to Percy in my best medieval voice. “The man who actually owns this bar,” Percy says, walking over to me and taking the rag and placing it over the sink again. “Well, I valiantly offered that we would clean and lock up so Scipio could go home. I thought you saw him leave?” I ask, pulling myself up onto the bar. “Oh right, sorry, I guess I’m a bit distracted tonight,” Percy says, leaning against the back counter with his hands in his pockets. “What’s distracting you,” I ask. Please say to me. “Just the gig tomorrow,” damn “I really want it to go well, we’ve got that whole new set, and this is a big one I-I don’t want it to go to shit.” Percy looks incredibly uneasy now. He usually gets nervous before gigs, but he’s twitching with nervousness. He’s right, though; this is a big one. Scipio said that he’s almost sold every ticket and that if this one goes well, the band will start doing two gigs a week instead of one. “Perce, you’re going to do amazing; I just listened to you play for three and a half, almost four hours, and that set is badass…almost as badass as yours truly,” I say, trying to at least make him smile, he does. “Yeah, almost,” Percy says, smirking at me. Somedays, I wonder if maybe Percy feels the same; I doubt it, but there are moments like those that make me wonder.

“Well, we still have to clean and lock up, so we better get moving.” I say absently, swinging my legs, “Right, well, how about you clean the stage, and I’ll start locking things.” Percy says, pushing off the counter to go search for the keys. I walk over to the supply closet, grabbing a few things, then start to work on the stage, sweeping and mopping up the remnants of _The 5 Reasons_ ’ wreckage. Georgie, who finally, after 30 minutes, managed to get his drums put away, walks out from the door leading to the backstage. He’s holding his backpack in his left hand and his jacket Percy made for him in the other. “Perce, could I talk to you for a sec?” Georgie asks, walking over to Percy, who is still trying to find the keys. I can’t hear what they’re talking about since they are towards the front, but it looks important. These are times I wish Eleftheria weren’t so large. The Eleftheria Bar is much bigger than it looks, the stage takes up a small portion of the building, and there is a built-in pit in front of it. It’s more like a dip with two small staircases leading into it. There are about 5 or 6 tables toward the back of the bar, three of which sit in these little ledges in front of the windows. From the stage, the bar is to my right, which is where Percy is. The bar is almost at the very front of the building, making it almost entirely impossible for me to hear anything they are saying.

Percy lightly shoves Georgie’s shoulder and laughs. Georgie looks entirely awkward, so who know what inappropriate thing just launched out of Percy’s mouth. Georgie starts to leave before Percy yells, “Don’t fuck it up!” Georgie flips him the ‘V’ and leaves. I finish cleaning the stage and take all the cleaning supplies back. As I’m placing the mop and broom in the closet, I hear Percy loudly say, “Where are the fucking keys!?” Oh right, I have them; Percy just might kill me for letting him look around aimlessly for about 15 minutes. A small part of me wants to place them on the counter and say, ‘Oh, here there are, how could you have missed them darling?’ but that seems like a shitty thing to do. So instead, I walk over to the bar, sit down, and spin them on my finger. Percy is on the floor looking in cabinets and drawers, trying very hard to find the nonexistent set of keys that are in there. “Monty have you se-” Percy starts to ask, getting up from the floor. The look on his face is truly priceless; a blush spread across his face, then eyebrows furrowed, then he saw my shit-eating grin on my face…he’s figured it out. “You had them the whole time!?” Percy says angrily, snatching the keys from me. “Yes, all you had to do was reach in my back pocket, and you would’ve found them,” I say, propping my elbows on the bar, placing my chin on my hands. “Forgive me; my first thought wasn’t to grab your ass when looking for keys,” Percy says, starting to lock up cabinets and the register. I get up and walk behind Percy, who is currently trying to figure out which key locks the hard liquor cabinet. I grab the keyring and flip to a random key that I just hope will be the right key, “That should always be your first thought, darling” it’s the right key.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hoped you liked this chapter, and this is my first fic so, I'm sorry if it's shit lol.  
> Here are the songs mentioned in this chapter
> 
> Cherry Bomb- The Runaways 
> 
> No Feelings- The Sex Pistols
> 
> London Calling- The Clash


	2. Baseball Bats

After everything is locked up, we left the Eleftheria; Percy started putting posters in the windows, poles, and random walls; pretty much anywhere he could put a poster, he put one up.

These posters are styled to look like the vintage band posters; in big letters at the top is _The 5 Reasons_ their album cover with them looking properly punk under it. It has the date of the gig, price of the tickets, and Eleftheria at the bottom. I remember taking the photo for the album, the title of it is _Battle Wounds,_ so all three of them looked like they murdered a village.

They came over to my house for the photoshoot, mostly because my parents were out of town, and well, our house is quite large, so we were able to fit the photoshoot stuff in the basement.

Percy came out with no shirt on; Georgie did some SFX on Percy’s top surgery scars and made it look like the barbed wire was sticking out of them. He had battle paint on his cheeks and wore these aged camouflage shorts with thick fishnet stockings under them and some shiny black combat boots on his feet. I just forgot how to breathe when I saw him.

On the cover, he’s holding his axe guitar over his shoulders, and the blade of it is splattered with fake blood. He made a fake version of his guitar out of wood and paint that looks like metal and some extra strings he had to lie around because he didn’t want to get fake blood on ‘his baby.’

Sim is in the middle between Georgie and Percy, pulling a blood-covered hand down the right side of her face. She’s wearing an outfit that can only be described as Debbie Harry with more rips and tears. She’s holding her mic by the wire in her other hand, looking intimidating as fuck.

Finally, Georgie, who was wearing a pretty simple outfit, one of Percy’s ripped tank tops and some ripped black jeans, did some badass SFX make up to make it look like his head and chest were stabbed with drumsticks.

Afterward, after everyone cleaned up, we looked at all the photos and picked the best one. While looking, I found one I took of three of them laughing their asses off.

During the photoshoot, Sim got tangled in her microphone wire, trying to jump. This resulted in Sim falling into Georgie, who was trying to make sure his drumsticks didn’t fall off with the impact of another human falling on him.

So, the photo has Sim falling while holding onto Georgie’s outstretched arm. Georgie, who is about as far away from the catastrophe as he can be, but it looks like he’s trying to run away and is pulling Sim with him. Then Percy, laughing hysterically, held both hands outstretched in a small attempt to help his two bandmates. It’s one of my favorite photos I’ve ever taken. I printed it and showed it to Scip the next day. It’s still hung up backstage, I think.

It’s really an awesome cover, the one they picked. Felicity was more interested in how Georgie thought he would survive a drumstick to the brain than the actual photo.

To which Georgie responded, “The magic of punk.” 

A little later, Adrian (the goblin) started looking through the photos and got scared shitless by them; Percy comforted him by letting him touch the fake guitar and show him it’s not scary. Adrian loved it, and Percy let him keep it. A few days later, Percy gave him a ‘Punk’s not dead’ t-shirt and pissed my dad the _fuck_ off. That might have been the moment I realized I want to be around Percy forever.

After walking around town for a little under 45 minutes hanging up posters and mindlessly chattering, we finally made it to Percy’s flat. Percy’s flat is very…Percy. Not in a bad way.

The décor could be described as cozy punk, he’s got purple fairy lights lining his black velvet couch, and he has vintage punk band posters framed on the wall above it. 90% of everything he owns is from goodwill, thrift stores, and flea markets, and it is absolutely amazing.

He’s always able to find the one thing in a thrift store that’s worth hundreds of pounds, and he manages to get it for 5. The flat's main area is pretty much one big room with some counters, a refrigerator, and a stove in one corner.

Speaking of the kitchen, Percy makes a b-line to the fridge saying “Foooooooooood” all the way there as soon as the door opened. He reaches into the barely functioning refrigerator and pulls out two containers of take-out, and places them on the table with two forks.

I walk over to the few milk crates of vinyl records Percy has and pick out _Pearl_ by Janis Joplin. Percy usually only listens to punk, hard rock, and new wave. Still, he has his guilty pleasures (Dolly Parton, Harry Styles, and Lady Gaga also fall under guilty pleasures for him).

As the record begins to play, Percy relaxes into the couch with take-out, and I follow. Joplin’s voice fills the apartment as we dig into our food, and my god, this is the best thing I’ve ever tasted.

Maybe it’s because it is 5:30 in the morning, or maybe it’s because I hadn’t eaten anything since 9:00 when I met up with Percy, or maybe it’s because the pain in my face has finally receded.

It really wasn’t bothering me until we left Eleftheria and the Advil I took wore off, but it has finally seemed to stop on its own. Father was not happy this morning. I had stayed out all night with some people, who I wish I didn’t, came home in a cop car after being caught doing something *ahem* adult in an alleyway. My father had to pay off the ticket.

And to add to my dumbass decisions, yelled, “FUCKIN’ ACAB” at the police officer as he got in the car.

Father led me to my room, sat me down on the bed, and…left, he just left. I sobered up fast after my door shut; I know I’ve fucked up royally on this one. There was something definitely wrong if my father didn’t immediately clock me after something _that_ stupid. A small part of me thought maybe he changed his punishment; maybe the mother talked to him. That thought was stopped dead in its tracks this morning when he called me into his office.

“I wanted you to be sober and remember this lesson, Henry.” He said, leaning down to me

Then I had a large bruise that I immediately had to cover before I left for work.

I realize suddenly that I’m spacing out, I must have zoned out pretty long because the song has changed, and Percy looks concerned.

“Monty, did something happen?” Percy asks, putting his foot on the side table next to him.

How do I respond to that? Yes, something did happen; I was born to a father that beats the shit out of me for breathing. I was given a brain that decided I’ll fuck boys and girls, which my father does not like. I was given one of the nicest best friends in the entire world, who would and has threatened to kill for me, and I shut him out like this.

“No, I’m fine, just a bit tired,” I say, looking down at my half-eaten food; I suddenly realize I’m angry. I’m not sure at what, but that bubbling feeling is rising.

Percy moves much closer to me and brushes his thumb over my cheek. I hiss as he wipes a stripe of foundation off; how did he see that? I thought I blended it pretty well; I suppose not. Percy is staring at his thumb that is smeared with foundation.

It feels ironic that _Cry Baby_ is playing; I am trying my damn hardest to push those emotions of anger and sadness back into the bottle I keep them in. I will not cry, contrary to Janis’s lyrical demands.

_Come on and cry, cry, baby._

_Cry baby, cry, baby_

Percy hasn’t said a thing; he’s just staring at his thumb. He knows my father does this, he knows, so why is he confused? Suddenly Percy speaks up,

“Are you actually tired?” He asked softly. Before I have time to overthink what I am about to say, a “No” flies from my mouth.

Percy gets up quickly and turns the record off. I’m genuinely afraid he’s going to ask me to tell him what happened, but he doesn’t. He disappears into his room for a moment and comes back out, wearing his favorite leather jacket. It has a trans flag painted on the back and says “Be trans” on the left arm and “Throw bricks” on the right. He’s also holding two wooden baseball bats and stuffing his car keys into his pockets.

“Go wash your face off and be ready to go.” He says, now looking for something in the side table drawer.

“W-What? Why?” I ask. I’m genuinely confused.

“Because. We’re gonna fuck shit up.” He tells me, tossing one of the bats onto the couch. I feel a familiar excitement rush through me.

I swiftly run to the bathroom to clean off my face.

After my face is washed off the makeup, I look at myself in the mirror. Dear God, I look horrid. My eyes have dark bags underneath them, my hair is an absolute mess, and the bruise on my right cheek is becoming darker. I should have left the makeup on. I walk out of the bathroom to see Percy writing something on one of the bats with a paint pen.

“What are you scribbling,” I say, shoving my hands in my pockets and walking over to him.

“Lyrics,” He says simply; I look at the bat and see lyrics from some of the angrier _5 Reasons_ songs, some protest symbols, some random lines I don’t recognize, and a lot of etched in swear words.

“Is this how you come up with lyrics?” I ask, looking towards him; he’s focused on writing the line he came up with, his brows are furrowed, and his tongue is sticking out just a little…I want to kiss him so bad.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he says that so softly I’m not even sure that it happened.

“Okay,” he says a bit loudly, startling me, “You ready to go?”

Percy starts striding out the front door before I have a chance to answer.

“Yes, but I have no idea where we are going,” I say, following Percy down the hall. As he pushes the door to the stairs open, he holds his hand out to me,

“Well, do you trust me?” I stare at him a little bit for dramatic effect. I would have grabbed his hand in a second if I didn’t think it would be desperate.

I am, though, aren’t I? Desperate.

I put my hand in his, and he practically pulls me down the stairs. Once we get to the apartment building garage, Percy’s car is at the end of the garage, which results in us racing to the end. Percy won. Curse my little legs. We get in the car, and Percy asks the age-old question,

“What do you wanna listen to?”

He hands me his phone, and I start flipping through the albums and playlists, trying to find something that fits the situation, then I find it, Percy has a playlist called _Let’s Smash Shit_.

Of course, he does.

It’s perfect.

The playlist is a mix of classic punk and pop-punk. The first song is _Bad Reputation_. We start headbanging and yelling the lyrics as Percy drives further and further out of the city.

I step out of the car into what looks like an old recycling junkyard. Their sign says they take electronics, car parts, glass, and metal. Apparently, Percy has permission to come in here after hours as long as he doesn’t break any machines…and leaves 20 quid. As I’m looking around the scrap plies, I hear Percy open the boot of his car. I walk over to him and see that the trunk is filled with various things. Old televisions, a few old desktop computers, and various other metal and glass things.

“Looks like you have junk in your trunk,” I say, leaning into him giggling.

“Ha. Ha. Very funny, your choice.” He said, giggling back as he offers me a bat.

“My choice? darling, you know I can’t make choices.” I respond, tilting my head a little.

“Just pick a thing to smash, you feral mess,” Percy says, chuckling and then smiling at me. I love making him smile; I love that I can make him smile. I smirk at Percy, wondering if he understands what he said sounded like a different activity. 

“Glady,” I say, winking at him. He smirks at me, and I grab the bat from him.

I contemplate for a moment; then, I point at one of the cases of empty bottles. Percy grabs a case, and a blue tooth speaker is hidden in the mess of his car, and an aux cord and walks us into the middle of the lot. He sets up the music and lets it play. _Na Na Na_ starts to play, and Percy throws the bottle in the air.

After a few swings (and Percy saying “Use your anger” in an unbelievably bad Emperor Palpatine voice), I manage to hit the bottle, and it smashes almost immediately.

That.

Felt.

_Amazing_.

I let out a laugh of equal shock and happiness,

“Go on! Throw another!” I yell, and he does.

_Oh, let me tell you about the sad man_

_*_ **Smash***

_Shut up and let me see your jazz hands_

_*_ **Smash***

_Remember when you were a madman_

_*_ **Smash***

_Thought you was Batman_

**** ***Smash***

_and hit the party with a gas can, Kiss me, you animal_

_*_ **SMASH***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter didn't have a lot happen in it, but on the bright side chapter 3 is pretty much finished, so that will be up soon!  
> Here are the songs mentioned in this chapter-
> 
> Cry baby by Janis Joplin
> 
> Bad Reputation by Joan Jett
> 
> Na Na Na by My chemical romance


	3. Tease

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you look at that 2 chapters in a row, miracle really. Hehe, I usually won't post two days in a row cause usually chapters won't be done back to back. But here you go!

The sun is rising, and the crisp early air freezes my nose when I breathe in, and I can see my breath when I breathe out. Percy and I both have successfully destroyed an old computer, a Hello Kitty tv from the early 2000s, four cases of glass bottles, and we kicked in a piece of metal Percy found somewhere in the car yard. It was extremely cathartic.

Now, Percy and I sit on the hood of his car, watching the sun move up higher in the sky. It’s around 8:15 now, and I realize abruptly that _The 5 Reasons_ have a gig tonight, and Percy has _literally_ been up 24 hours.

“Hey Perce, maybe we should-” I start to say, but then I see that Percy is asleep, resting his head on his hand. I desperately wish his head were on my shoulder.

I honestly don’t know how to go about this. Do I wake him? Maybe? I’m pretty awake so I can drive; maybe I’ll get him to that state of ‘not really awake, but I can move.’ Yeah, I’ll try that.

“Percy,” I give him a tiny shake, “Perce.” Percy’s eyes flutter open.

God, he’s beautiful. The early morning sun glazes his sandalwood skin. Illuminating his dusting of freckles across his face. His beautiful brown eyes have lovely flakes of gold in the sunlight. I am sitting extremely close to him, my hand on his shoulder. His lips are chapped, and I find it delightful.

Our faces are much closer than I remember them being. Was he leaning in? We’re both so tired I can’t tell who’s moving. I can smell the mint gum he was chewing, and it tickles my nose, then the loud sound of a gate opening separates us.

God. _Fucking_. Dammit. So close, well, I mean, it might not have been close at all. I’m pretty sure he was leaning in. Was he leaning in? No. We aren’t falling down that rabbit hole right now; the short answer, I’m sure, is no.

I turned my head to look at the noise, and Percy must be pretty out of it because he doesn’t even turn his head. He moves back, but he’s still staring at me.

“I’ll drive.” I blurt out, still staring towards that gate, which a truck is pulling in through. I’m not scared of the noise or the truck, more scared of what I will do if I look at Percy in this light again.

“Yeah…Yeah, but I get to pick the music.” Percy says, sounding a bit strained. I give in, and I turn my head to look at him. He’s stretching his arms high enough that his shirt pulls upward, and I can see a bit of muscle. I might’ve spontaneously combusted if not for me needing to be alive for me to drive Percy home.

I hop off the car, grab the speaker in between us, and toss it into the backseat. I sit in the driver’s seat, and Percy slides tiredly into the passenger seat. He turns on an unknown playlist that starts with _Sunday Morning_. Lou Reed’s soft voice fills the car as Percy sleepily directs me out of the maze of backroads he took.

Once we get on the roads that I know, Percy falls asleep. The song has switched to _I Know It’s True But I’m Sorry To Say_ , and the lyrics are hitting me like a sack of bricks.

_I know it's late, but I'd like to stay awhile, see you smile._

Pictures of Percy smiling appear in my mind.

_Will you meet me in the morning, with sun fresh on the dew?_

Percy in the sunlight this morning; I zone out a bit after thinking about driving and Percy. Then after a bit, my ears tune back into whatever the song is saying.

_Oh my body has been punished._

_Lord, I think I've had enough._

My face is starting to hurt again.

_Oh my body has been punished_

_With too much and not enough._

I look over to Percy, sleeping with his head against the window.

_Oh my body has been punished_

_And my mind can no longer bluff._

There’s no denying that I love him,

_My mind is so unkind, my mind is so unkind._

_It keeps me crying all the time_.

But I can’t have him, so I might as well make sure he’s safe.

A few songs later, we reach the parking garage, and I slowly turn the car off. First, I turn the heat off, then slowly turn the music down until it’s off, then turns off the car. That’s how my Mum used to do it when I was really little, so it didn’t startle me. Slowly Percy opens his eyes and looks at me.

“How’d you do that?” Percy asks, his voice a little gravely. He’s truly adorable in a punk kind of way. He’s tucked his hands into his jacket sleeves and pulled them up to his face, and I realize he drew little skulls on the cuffs of his jacket sleeves.

“How did I do what darling?” I ask, unbuckling my seatbelt and getting out of the car. Percy follows and stretches a little, and walks towards me.

“You know the thing with the car,” Percy says, gesturing his hands into nothing. He’s half falling asleep every time he blinks, so I slightly put my hand to his back, urging him along to walk with me.

“Driving? I’m almost 100% sure you know how to do that as well.” I am completely aware of what he is asking me, but the more the conversation keeps up, the longer he’s awake.

“No th-the thing with car…you know what I mean,” Percy says, annoyed as we walk up the stairs.

“I do, but I will never tell.” I say, nudging him a little.

We walk in silence, climbing the rest of the Mount Everest of stairs that leads to Percy’s flat. We eventually reach his door, and we groggily stumble through the main room and into his bedroom.

I love Percy’s bedroom, it’s comfortable, and everything smells like Percy. All the lights are off, but I know where everything is. His bed in the far-left corner with a tapestry on the ceiling above it. His instruments and amps are in the far-right corner, but Percy always leaves his violin in front of his bed, no clue why. His closet is always open and spilled out a bit; his shoes and jackets have their own rack next to his instruments.

The décor in here is just albums, tour posters, twinkle lights, and photos. However, my favorite part of the room is the table next to his bed. It’s the ‘Monty table.’ It has a lamp we may or may not have stolen from my neighbor’s house in secondary school. Along with every little thing I have ever given him since primary school. Figurines, guitar picks, old toys I gave him when we were little, and a leather journal I gave him.

He has different places dedicated to people, full of things they give him or that remind him of said person. I have the table, Sim has the shelf above his bed, Georgie has the left side of his desk, and Scipio has the right. He even has the small windowsill next to his bed dedicated to Felicity and Adrian. Felicity doesn’t give presents much, but he’s kept every card she’s given in this little paper holder; he’s also kept Adrian’s array of pebbles and flowers…maybe Adrian is a goblin.

Percy immediately flopped onto his bed after setting the alarm for 7:00 pm. He lazily kicked off his boots and threw his shirt across the room. Percy shimmies all the way to the right side of the bed. I kick my shoes off, and he lets me slide in next to him.

“Percy?” I ask, my face smashed into his pillow,

“Hmm?”

“Thank you for this morning.” I say now, turning my face towards him; he’s also facing me, smiling. Our faces are inches from each other again.

“No problem, feral mess.” He says, ruffling my hair and chuckling. He said he wanted to start calling me that because it fits, and it does. He doesn’t move his hand out of my hair, he keeps it there, and I drift off.

I wake up, and the sun is setting, so I assume it’s the early evening. There are strands of orange sunlight coming through the blinds beside Percy’s bed, going over his face making him look like part of a noir film. I suddenly realize the angle that I am looking at him isn’t when we fell asleep. I’m on his chest, and his hand is still in my hair. His chest moves softly up and down, in and out.

I wonder if this means something, we’ve woken up like this before; it’s not unusual for us. Though it feels different, it has for a while. Probably since, what I call, the year of hell. I was freshly kicked out of Eton and decided instead of going home. I would run. Percy’s family had just kicked him out; we were alone and scared…one of us was on the run. For about a month and a half, my family looked around where Eton is, and Percy’s family didn’t care.

One day it started storming exceedingly bad, and we stumbled into a bar. The man, Scipio, who was tending the bar, was confused why two soaked underaged delinquents wandered into his bar. I walked up to the man, tried extremely hard to get up on one of the bar stools, failed, then turned on the charm.

I told him what was happening, left out a couple of details due to my family still looking for me. Laid the guilt on thick and even flashed my dimples, but nothing worked until he looked at Percy. He saw Percy, who had large bags under his eyes, short messily chopped hair, holding two dripping wet backpacks. Something changed; he took us to a back room and let us sit there until his shift ended.

I was pretty dingy at the time; there were extra bar stools, extra alcohol and snacks, random things scattered about, and a dusty couch on one end of the room. Percy locked the door and told me to turn around so he could take his binder off, I forced him to take it off at most every 10 hours cause one time he left it on all night, and he could barely breathe the next morning; we had to buy an inhaler from a pharmacy in town.

After he changed, we sat on the couch in silence for about 5 minutes, and then Percy spoke up,

“What am I going to do, Monty?” His voice sounded so small; he looked so hurt. I got up and grabbed an ancient radio that was in the room and set it in his lap.

“Listen to music and forget that all our clothes are wet.”

He looked up at me, and I smiled. He started fiddling with the ancient thing; it worked but trying to find a station that played music Percy like was a bit difficult. Once, he found the rock station, and the radio said, _“Next song is A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall by Bob Dylan.”_ We found it hilarious.

Then Percy’s laughs changed into sobs, he was shaking, and his tears mixed with the rainwater already on his face. I realized I never want him to feel like that again; I never want to see a tear fall from his eyes unless it’s from happiness. I wanted to hold him and kiss him-.

My brain stopped for a moment, _“I want to kiss him,”_ I thought. Well, I couldn’t do that, at least not then that seemed inappropriate, but I could hold him. So, I did, I held him, with Bob Dylan’s voice crackling through the old radio and rain pounding on the roof, I held him. I guess it’s felt different since then.

_It’s a hard rain’s a-going to fall._

_And what will you do now, my blue-eyed son?_

_And what will you do now, my darling young one?_

_I’m a-going back out ’fore the rain starts a-falling_

Percy’s alarm goes off, and he removes his hand from my hair. My head feels naked now. Percy sits up, and I am forced to remove myself from his chest.

I stretch and say, “Good evening.” Partially as a joke and partially not, he chuckles and says,

“You sound like you’re from the 1700s.” I make a face that makes him laugh a bit more,

“Ugh, could you imagine?”

“What?”

“Us in the 1700s.”

“I don’t think I can actually.”

Percy hops out of bed and goes to take a shower. I’m left alone, and even though I am here almost every day, it still feels like a privilege. I abruptly remember I have a phone where people communicate with me, and I haven’t checked since around 4 a.m. I find a charger and plug my phone up; how it’s still at 1% is beyond me.

Once it’s charged a little, I look through my texts; there are the regular texts, Feli telling me, in the snarkiest way possible, that she hopes I’m okay. A few texts from mum, one asking where I was, one confirming Felicity told her, and another asking me to tell Percy ‘hello’ for her. I do see a notification that terrifies me.

It’s a DM from Richard Peele.

Right, I get it; I know I shouldn’t be doing sexual things in alleyways with him. In my defense, I thought it was a couple of one-night stands. Now that it’s gone on for two months, I’m not entirely sure what it is. Last night was the first time we got caught, though.

I was expecting a text saying something like

“I’m sorry for getting caught with my dick in your mouth. I’m also sorry that I completely sold you out and said you were hammered and on drugs. AND I’m sorry I got out of my ticket all because my aunt is a cop and NOT helping you get out of yours.”

But no, I got a text asking if I was free with an image that I do not open attached. The text was sent at 6:37 A.M; I was out with Percy then. For the billionth time this year, I say whisper,

“Thank fuck for Percy.”

Percy is taking an abnormally long time in the shower, well he’s always taken long showers, but it’s been about an hour. Percy walks back into his room, wearing an old FIDLAR shirt and boxers. Even though I can’t stop staring at his legs, I notice something is vastly different about him—his hair. Oh, sweet mother, Mary, he dyed his hair! He’s dyed the bottom half of his hair bright red. He looks, dare I say, hot.

“Perce? You’re hair. It’s red.” I say, pointing out the obvious

“Yeah, do you like it?” He responds, shaking his curls a bit and smiling. God, he’s so adorable.

“It looks amazing, Perce,” I say, utterly gobsmacked by him.

He smiles a bit then goes to his closet to pick out some clothes. He pulls out a few things, and I realize once again, I’m staring at his ass. I’m snapped out of my staring by my phone ringing. Why does that keep happening, dammit world, LET ME STARE! It’s Felicity, so I’m naturally confused. She barely ever calls,

_“It’s too much effort Monty, no need for calling”_ That’s what she always says. Something is wrong. I answer as fast as possible, trying my best not to sound worried.

“Hello, Feli? Are you alright?” I ask frantically so much for ‘not worried.’ A voice that is not my sister starts to speak.

“Oh, it’s not Felicity. It’s Johana,” The voice says through the phone. The biggest wave of relief washes over me. Today is just full of teases.

“Johana, you have my number; you didn’t need to use Feli’s phone,” I say, massaging the bridge of my nose.

“I know, but you never answer my calls, and anyhow, Sim and I wanted to meet up with you and Percy to get ready for the gig at your place, but you aren’t here. So, please get he-” another voice breaks in. “IS THAT MY PHONE”

Suddenly the call is cut off. I look up to Percy, who is staring at me with a mix of worry and confusion. He’s got jeans on now and has a backpack thrown over his shoulder. He sits on the bed next to me and simply asks,

“The fuck was that”

I run my hands through my hair and turn to him.

“We need to head back to my place so we can get ready for the gig.”

“Ah,” He says back, then falls silent. I know he wants to ask. Usually, I don’t go home for a couple of days after my Father does what he did yesterday. I honestly don’t know if I want to go home. I am extremely tempted to text Felicity and ask her if Father is home or not. I know the answer.

“Monty, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You could wear some of my clothes.” Percy says, putting a hand on my shoulder. As sweet as the offer is, the thought of my Father’s presence taking yet another happy thing in my life angers me to my core.

“Thank you for the offer, Perce, but I am going home, hanging with friends and wearing my butterfly platforms, terrifying Father be damned,” I say, standing and going to slip on my shoes.

Percy smiles, “Hell, yeah.” He says, grabbing a black jean vest from his jacket rack. I grab my things, and we walk out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayyyy backstory! I am v proud of this chapter, hope you liked it! It might be a bit before chapter 4 is up though.
> 
> Here as the songs mentioned in this chapter-
> 
> Sunday Morning by The Velvet Underground
> 
> I know it's true but I'm sorry to say by Violent Femmes
> 
> Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall by Bob Dylan


	4. The Gig

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! This chapter is v long so strap in!

We arrive at my house to see Sim and Johana playing with Adrian in the yard and Felicity sitting on the tree swing reading a book. Right as I was about to step out of the car, Percy put his hand on my knee.

“Monty, if your Father tries any shit, I will not hesitate to go full antichrist on his ass,” Percy says, looking into my eyes. Even though Percy tries to say things in the most punk way possible, I know he just means he’s here.

“Good to know…Thank you,” I say, smiling at him. I grab his hand and give it a squeeze before hopping out of the car.

Johanna is holding Adrian in the air while he pretends he’s flying. He’s wearing these adorable dungarees and a long sleeve jumper I got him for Christmas. It has little frogs hopping up the sleeves, and on the front, it says “Certified Goblin” with a bunch of twigs, rocks, and leaves detailed around the text. I had to get it.

I love him so much now, it’s funny to think how much I despised his existence when he was born. Amazing how much change can happen in two years.

As soon as we step out of the car Adrian wiggles out of Johanna’s grasp and runs over to me, his dark brown curls bounce when he runs. He jumps into my arms and I give him a big hug.

“Where were you?” He asks me as he pulls back a little.

“I was with Perc-” Before I can finish my sentence Adrian gasps.

“Is Percy here?” He asked wiggling out of my arms, he looks around a little then looks back at me. I thought he would have noticed Percy by now he’s only on the other side of the car, but I assume I was too distracting. I always am.

Percy walks out into Adrian’s line of sight and is immediately assaulted by hugs. It’s quite cute to watch Percy and Adrian interact.

Percy, who is wearing a black jean vest over his old FIDLAR shirt and carrying a backpack with little metal studs all over it, holding a small pure toddler wearing light blue dungarees and a froggy jumper. The stark difference is adorable.

While Percy is occupied by the toddler, I walk over to Johanna who is straightening out her clothes. She’s wearing a pink vintage jumpsuit and some pink cherry flats and her brown hair is in two buns at the top of her head. I’ve always loved Johanna’s clothes and style. Even when we were much younger, she had a grasp on what style she wanted. Pastel vintage.

“Monty!” She pulls me into a hug. It’s been a bit since I’ve seen her, she’s been busy with vet school stuff and she hasn’t been able to come to gigs. She always smells like a mix of strawberries and roses, a little overwhelming really.

I pull back from her abruptly, “Did you bring them?” I ask.

“They might be in the house,” she says smiling, she must see me eye the door cause she continues, “And they might not be, you’ll have to wait.”

“Wait? Come on, why?” I whine.

“Because you have parents who have been badgering us about _you_ for about two hours now, and if you go inside you have to talk to them.” She says letting go of me.

Parents? Them? Both have been asking, oh fuck that can’t be good. I understand Mother, I tend to worry her when I leave with no mention. She thinks I’m going to run away again. But Father? That’s worrisome, but Percy is here, I doubt he’ll let my dad do anything.

I sigh dramatically then throw my hands up. “Fine, fine, I’ll wait out here for a bit.”

“Good, I think Georgie will be here in a few minutes, so we can just wait for him.” She says picking at some loose thread on the felt belt wrapped around her waist, then running over to Sim and Percy

I look around the yard for a moment. Our house is quite nice, it has a long driveway leading out into the field where our house is, trees line the driveway all the way out.

The house itself is an old estate, it’s not a mansion like the other estates around us but it is huge and there are other houses on the property. Our house is made of stone and has vines climbing around the walls. The windows all have yellow around them, and I found on the front windows there are small statuettes etched into the corners.

Our front yard is outlined by tall bushes that somehow stay green year-round. The bushes shut out everything else in the world except the sky. There is a tree quite close to the house, I used to use it to climb out through my window. It has sturdy branches and now has a swing on one of them, which Felicity is lounging in.

The sun setting makes the whole yard look like a vintage photo. Everything is a bit fuzzy. Adrian’s toys are scattered beneath a tree, Feli is reading a book wind blowing her brown hair out of her face, my friends are laughing and conversing in this little secluded yard, drenched in orange sunlight. It makes me hate my life a little less.

I look towards the front door, it’s dark brown, almost black. It’s such a contrast to the rest of the house, fitting really. I do not want to go inside, it’s cowardly, it’s stupid but I don’t want to.

I start to focus on the statuettes on the windows, they’re of women with flowing dresses. I remember one time when I was 7 or so, the first time I had Percy over, they were the first things I showed him.

He didn’t understand what was so cool about them, but they meant something to me. They aren’t anywhere else on the house, or anywhere on the estate at all. Just there on those two windows at the front of the house. Mostly hidden by plant life in one way or another, I used to think they were magical until my Father told me otherwise.

 _“They’re just carvings, Henry, they don’t mean a thing._ ” I remember that day clearly, it was the first time he hit me. Apparently, magical statues were too stupid of a thing for a 7-year-old to think.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and flinch violently and my eyes shut tight.

“Woah, it’s just me Monty, it’s alright.” The voice says, I open my eyes.

“Oh, sorry,” I respond, it’s just Percy. I feel a bit bad for that, I don’t want to make him feel like he scared me or anything.

“No need to be, Georgie’s here now if you want to head inside.” Percy says smiling sympathetically to me.

I look over to the front of the yard, and Georgie is there. I guess I was zoned out pretty badly, I hate when I do that.

I also notice Adrian isn’t over there anymore. A tiny wave of panic goes through me thinking he’s runoff. But no, he’s just playing with his toys next to Feli.

I turn my head back to Percy, “We can go inside.”

Percy quickly calls out “Oi! Come on!” to the group including Felicity.

I walk and pick up Adrian and hold him at my side, it’s probably time he sleeps, it’s almost 8:00. He settles at my side and he starts to get a tiny bit heavier, almost like he already fell asleep.

I see each person walk inside, first Felicity and Johanna, then Sim and Georgie who is intensely talking about something, well, Sim is talking to Georgie about something intensely. Then Percy who is standing on one of the steps waiting for me.

Percy looks at me, then at the sleepy toddler, and smiles. I can’t quite place what that look meant. Sympathy? Cute toddler? Cute guy? Nope, stop, no time for that.

I walk up the steps carefully, making sure I don’t trip or drop the tiny child I am holding. I walk past Percy and hear him mutter something close to “cutie.”

Now that comment _has_ to be about Adrian but, a boy can dream. I walk through the threshold and Percy follows shutting the door.

Our house décor is antique, my parents made sure it kept the estate’s old charm. Once you step in the door there are two small rooms beside the door that we use as a place for shoes and coats. When you keep walking down the hallway it opens into a large room.

The staircase to both the top floor and the basement is to the far right of the room. There are a few different archways that lead to the living room, dining room, and kitchen.

I look for my mother, Adrian’s nanny, fucking anyone to take the sleeping goblin in my arms, however, it seems that no authority figures are around when I need them to be.

In the two minutes I was looking for someone, my friends have seemed to have disappeared. I figure I’ll just run into one of them on the way upstairs and they can help me.

I, somehow, by the luck that has somehow been following me today, make it up to our stairs. I walk down the thin hallway tiptoeing past my father’s office door in case he _is_ in there.

Now, I am standing in the large hallway looking for any other breathing being to help me get him in bed, I will take Johanna’s dog at this point.

I look to my left, the door to Feli’s room, door to my room, a couple of chairs, no one. I look to my right, the open door to the bathroom, no one. The whole upstairs is completely silent.

Where. The. _Fuck_. Is everyone? You know what. Fuck it. I can do this. He’s just a kid, it’s just changing some clothes. I look forward to Adrian’s door and go to open it.

His room is definitely one of my favorites, it has mint green walls with one tree painted around his bay window. He has various toys and stuffed animals scattered across the hardwood floor, and books splayed across the rug in the center. The only light in the room is coming from the window, exposing all the dust in the air and covering the room in dull orange.

I walk over to his wardrobe and pull out a pair of plain blue pajama shorts, he’ll kick off his blankets if he wears pants. Then I grab the first shirt I see, it’s the “Punk’s not dead” shirt Percy got him. Adrian has worn it at least twice every week since Percy gave it to him.

I sit down on Adrian’s bed and lay Adrian next to me his head on the pillow.

I quietly change him out of his outfit and tuck him under the blankets. As I walk out, I turn on his nightlight, it makes his room look like the ocean is on the ceiling…pretty terrifying, to me at least.

I quietly close the door and when I turn around to see Percy is standing with his arms crossed leaning against the wall on his phone.

He’s changed his outfit now; he’s wearing a long-sleeved fishnet top (noting is underneath the top might I add) with his black vest over it. He’s wearing his gig jeans, they’re black, a bit distressed at the knees, and have an anarchy symbol in red glow paint on the back-right pocket. 

His hair is still down from this morning, and he flips it out of his face before looking at me.

“There you are. Where were you?” He asks as we meet in the middle of the hallway.

“Where was I? Darling you must be mistaken, I’m the one who vanished,” I say back playfully shoving his shoulder a little.

“I was in the basement with our friends, waiting for _you_.” He says shoving me back a little, “I was sent on a scavenger hunt to find you.” He’s laughing a bit now.

“Well, you found me, what’s your prize?” I ask smiling up at him.

He brushes my hair back a bit, “I assume the prize would be you.”

I scoff a little, “Ugh, I’m a pretty shitty prize.”

He rolls his eyes still smiling “Stop that,” He softly holds my face with both of his hands and looks into my eyes, “You’re a beautiful prize.”

A blush crawls across my face, “Am I really?” I’m just being cocky now.

“Abso-bloody-luety,” His thumbs start mindlessly brushing my cheeks like they have a mind of their own. As if he can hear my thoughts his thumbs stop, and he let’s go of my face. “Alright let’s head downstairs, Johana has all the makeup and clothes already down there.”

He starts walking over to the thin hallway and down the stairs as I follow. I don’t think Percy can read my thoughts, if he could, he would know I never want him to stop holding my face.

Our basement is the most modern thing out of the entire estate. My parents figured since no guests other than my friends come down here, they left what the previous owner did, it’s pretty simple really. The wine cellar and hallway fit the 1700s look; however, the main room down here is at the end of the hall.

The room is as simple as it can be, grey wooden floors, beige walls, and the only stuff on the walls are things I’ve put up there. Various framed movie posters from when I worked at a theatre, and a corkboard that I’ve put every gig poster I have on.

The room is relatively small. There is a couch and a love seat faced to the television on the wall above a small fireplace. There are a couple of big pillows laid on the wall that can also be used as seating. There’s a record player with speakers and vinyl records over on the back wall. There’s a small door leading to a half bath next to it.

Johana is sat on the far end of the couch with Sim curled in her lap. Feli is on the other far end of the couch with her hair now pulled up, still reading. Georgie is on the love seat with his long legs hanging off the armrest. The song _Riot Grrrl_ is playing and Georgie is tapping the drumbeat with his hands.

Percy walks in and immediately goes to the speakers and changes the song. _One Way Or Another_ comes on and Johanna seems very excited.

“I love this song!” She says as she launches herself off the couch. Sim is accidentally pushed on the floor in the action. She looks a bit confused about how she’s on the floor.

“Ass hole,” Sim says looking up at Johanna, She just stares at Sim until she crouches down and says,

“Love you too.” Sim’s eyes widen and Johanna seems to remember she’s in a room full of people.

“What was that?” Georgie asks sitting up and looking at the two girls.

Sim quickly says “Um…nothing” to which Johanna rolls her eyes and turns to look at everyone she can,

“Oh bloody hell, we’re together.” She says to us, then turns to Sim “All fixed.”

“Duh.” Georgie says laying back down and tapping his fingers.

“It’s about damn time.” Percy says doing something with his phone.

“Oh, we’ve been together for a few months now,” Johanna says walking away from sim and over to, what I assume, is her bag.

“JO!” Sim yells as if this is some shocking news.

“What? It’s not like we’re subtle.” Johanna says turning back to Sim. Sim doesn’t seem legitimately upset.

“I knew it!” I shout, “Percy. Fifty quid. Now.” I say walking over to him.

Behind me, I hear Felicity say, “Even I knew.”

Sim responds “Yeah, but you know everything.”

I reach Percy, “I don’t have fifty quid.” He says folding his arms and looking at me

“I know for a fact you do-” I realize my mistake as soon as it leaves my mouth.

So, I have a small thing where I look through Percy’s wallet from time to time. I am well aware it’s weird, but he has this photo of us in there that I like to look at which he moves almost every week.

It’s me and him after his first gig, he’s all sweaty, has a fair bit of acne, and his hair is only just passed his chin. My hair was bit longer than it is now, and I was wearing a jean jacket he painted for me. I was going through a small bisexual crisis, and I look entirely infatuated by him, while also having a slight crush on my friend Jeanne who took the photo, I just love the photo alright!

“I….don't know, but there is a high possibility you do,” I say trying to climb out of whatever hole I dug myself into.

He goes silent for a moment and I fear I might have seriously fucked up.  
“…Later” That’s all he says before turning and loudly saying “Right, let’s get shit started.”

Everyone spreads out people all doing makeup and listening to music. I went into the bathroom to change after I begged Johanna to show me what she brought. She bought a pair of platforms matching mine except hers are pastel colors instead of the black and teal ones I have.

She also brought semi-matching outfits for us. My outfit is a black half-top with a teal skull on it, black fishnet tights, my platforms, and a black skirt that stops a few inches above my knee. Johanna’s is essentially the same, except her shirt has a rose on it and the colors are all pastel.

Feli one time told me she found it really funny how good of friends Johanna and I are. Considering the first thing she did when she met me was kick me in the groin. I deserved it, to be honest, I scared Felicity, she dropped the frog they were studying, so she kicked me.

However, we’re really good friends now.

I grabbed the outfit and my makeup bag Johanna brought down and went into the bathroom to change and do my makeup.

I catch a look at myself. I really hate what I look like during weekdays. I have to put on clothes I hate so that I can leave the house and keep a low profile. After the year of hell, my parents don’t want people knowing I’m well, me.

I’m wearing a plain white t-shirt with a grey flannel with a grey jean jacket and black jeans. No makeup, makeup, band shirts, colors, I’m just plain. I, disgustingly, look like Richard Peele. Not even my dimples can save me from that.

I quickly strip off everything but my boxer shorts and look at my half-naked body and cringe. I have two large bruises on my ribcage and stomach. I thought those would be gone by now. They don’t hurt anymore, they’re just there.

I quickly get out of my spiral of self-pity because I need to get ready. I slip on a different pair of underwear cause boxers and tights don’t feel or look good together and get dressed.

I do some quick makeup, I’ve learned I either A) sweat off makeup at these gigs or B) makeup is smeared off, so simple is better. Very simple teal and black eyeshadow and black lip-gloss

I step back a moment, I haven’t put on my platforms yet, so I guess the look isn’t complete. Either way, I look good. My dark gold waves of hair have an ‘I didn’t try’ look. My makeup matches my outfit, and I have just the right contour that my jawline looks sharp and my dimples are bright.

My outfit is perfect, my shirt is just short enough that you can see the tiniest bit of my stomach, I ended up putting some foundation on the bruises cause fuck them. My skirt shows just enough of my thighs that and my black fishnets makes my pale skin glow.

I look damn good.

I pick up my stupid plain clothes and badass platforms and walk out of the bathroom. To see everyone spread about, Georgie is tying scraps of fabric around his wrists. Johanna is doing her makeup using a mirror she brought, Sim is next to her tying he combat boots.

Feli is dressed to go I assume, she’s wearing a pale blue shirt, black jeans, an oversized knitted jumper, and converse. She looks nice.

Percy, with his hair now in a ponytail, is polishing something off of his boots when he looks up at me. I see Percy’s eyes go wide; a blush goes across his face then he looks back at his shoe. I think I have successfully made him flustered.

At the moment _, I Threw Glass At My Best Friend_ is playing (I can never remember the title, Percy can though). Johanna must see me in her mirror because she immediately turns around and stands up. She’s not wearing platforms yet either.

Her outfit is adorable, she’s wearing a pale-yellow half-top with a pale blue rose on it, a pale green skirt the same length as mine, pale pink fishnet tights, and her platforms that are next to her. Her eyeshadow is a gradient of all the colors on her boots and pale lip gloss, her blush has not been done yet.

She looks amazing too.

She immediately hugs me and tells me how good I look, I reply the same to her. Percy then walks over to me.

“Do you like what you see?” I ask him, moving my hips a bit so my skirt twirls up.

Percy nods silently staring at me. Poor thing, I’ve made him mute with my beauty.

“Well, you don’t seem to be ready, and we only have,” I look at my phone, 8:50, “10 minutes, would you like me to do your make up?” I ask him, tilting my head.

He nods again then in a higher-pitched crackly voice “Sure,” He clear his throat, “Sure, that would be great.

I’m feeling like being chaotic tonight, so I tell Percy to sit on the couch and I grab my make-up place it beside him, and straddle his hips. I push some stray hairs out of his face and work on his eyes.

The song switches to 40oz. On Repeat which is _our_ song. Everyone’s heads snap up, including mine and Percy’s as we all make our collective “yes I love this song” s and “hell yea” s.

We all start yelling the lyrics, as they start up.

_I don't know why it's so difficult for me_

_To talk to somebody I don't know_

_Well I've tried to ask you out about a thousand times_

_In my head, you just always say no_

Thank fuck Percy’s eyes are closed. I see his lips mindlessly moving to the lyrics while smiling. His leg is slightly bouncing to the beat which is making it increasingly harder for me to do his eyeliner…and keep my composer.

_And I don't care at all, I'll drink some alcohol_

_It'll make me who I really wanna be_

_But I'm that kind of special person that drinks too much_

_Cause nobody understands me_

We all yell the last bit, and I tell Percy to stop bouncing so I can do his makeup, which makes him smile…he doesn’t stop.

As the song continues, I finish Percy’s make up… actually I finished it after the chorus, but I stay on his lap. He doesn’t complain. We get to our favorite line.

_But I got bills to pay, and I got pills to take_

_Cause I'm born and raised in the USA_

We change the lyric to say the UK whenever we sing it and I swear I hear Felicity sing as well. Percy and I spiral into a laughing fit and I fall against his chest as we laugh so hard that I forgot how to breathe.

We all tumble out of the house rushing to get to each other’s respective cars, Usually, I ride with Percy but tonight Georgie wants to ride with him alone, no clue why. Johanna and Sim ride together as per usual when Johanna can come to gigs. So, Felicity and I are stuck together.

It’s not like Feli and I have a bad relationship, but we do insult each other constantly, it’s just how we show affection. We hop into my car and get it started and start to drive.

Felicity refuses to listen to anything that isn’t NPR or a podcast. So, it is silent. She is awkwardly looking out the window as I stare at the road. Then she breaks the silence.

“You like Percy. Don’t you?” She says still staring out the window. My hands clamp down the steering wheel till my knuckles are white.

“O-Of course I like Percy, he’s my best friend,” I say, playing dumb. She sees through my bullshit fast.

“No Monty, I mean do you feel romantic and or sexual attraction to him, or is it strictly platonic?” She asks turning her head to look at me.

I stay silent and stare at the road as the town emerges over the horizon.

“Well,” she continues, “If you do have feelings for him just know, I think he will make you very happy. If Percy is the one thing that makes you laugh and smile every once and a while, I say go for it.”

I look at her through my peripheral vision and see her playing the sleeve of her jumper. She’s being sincere.

“So essentially you’re telling me if Percy is the one who can give me serotonin, to shoot my shot,” I say to her.

She laughs a little “Yes, I suppose that is what I’m saying.”

After that, we keep up mindless chatter until we arrive at the Eleftheria.

The Eleftheria is packed already. It’s about an hour till the gig starts yet people are already lined up around the pit. Scipio has a rule about nobody is allowed in the pit toll five minutes before the show, so Johanna and I usually get front row just by being there first.

Feli likes to stay backstage so she can hear the music but not be in the pit or bar, so she’s sat on the dingy couch that is back here.

We’re all backstage right now as someone helps Georgie with his drum set and Johanna helps tune Sim’s bass, I’m standing next to Percy, posting things about the show, as he tunes and fiddles with his guitars.

“So, what’s your showoff song tonight?” I ask him, leaning into him a little.

A ‘showoff song’ is what I call _The 5 Reasons_ ' hardest song of the night. It usually has a bass solo, guitar solo, or drum solo, which is difficult, and they learn it so they can showoff.

“You’ll just have to wait and find out won’t you.” He says smiling up at me. His makeup looks great if I do say so myself. Sadly, he insists on keeping his hair pulled back, so it is out of his face.

Suddenly Scipio opens the door and says, “Opening pit in two minutes” then he leaves.

I look to Johanna who gives a kiss to Sim’s forehead, whispers something then leaves. I whisper to Percy that he’ll do great and leave out of the backstage.

Johanna and I, eventually after pushing our way in front of a few people, make it to the front as the show’s about to start.

The lights go dark and there is some movement on the stage as they walk out. The first songs are some of their classic punk style songs, _Venice_ , _Title Wave,_ and _Poetry_

They sound somewhat similar to _The Ramones_ , or _The Undertones._

Percy is beautiful to watch on stage, he has a presence that you’re completely drawn to.

A couple of the angrier songs pass, _Dented Case_ and _Royal Cleaver_

Then we finally get to the show off a song.

“Thank you very much,” Sim says a little out of breath into the microphone, “Now this next song is a cover, but we’re gonna show you exactly how fucking talented we are.” She backs away from the microphone.

The crowd erupts in cheers and the music starts, with Percy playing the guitar

I know this song very well, I one time told Percy no one could compete with Jack White, I guess I’m wrong. It’s _Lazaretto_.

Sim is saying every lyric and playing the complicated bass line, never missing a beat.

_No time at all, throw it in a garbage can_

_And I shake God's hand_

_I jump up and let her know when I can_

_This is how I'm gonna do it_

Percy stops just playing guitar and switches to playing at lightning speed, his left hand flawlessly switching from chord and his right hand picking every string perfectly. The sweat on his brow doubles, he’s biting his lip and finishes the solo with heavy stum of all the strings.

Georgie is keeping the entire drum beat the entire song never missing anything, and never stopping.

The song finishes and the crowd is loud with screams and cheers, mine surely must be the loudest.

The songs stay pretty loud ( _Glowing Heart_ , _Sea Creatures_ , _Obligation_ ) before getting to a couple of their slower songs, which are, _Sinking_ and _Blue as you_

 _Blue as you_ is one of my favorites because Percy sings on it. It sounds a bit like _I’m Straight_ by The Modern Lovers or _Never Tell_ by Violent Femmes, he sort of talks on the beat.

Percy has the tendency to make his voice his deep notes flawlessly, so while he sings/talks the bass from his voice echoes to my core. The guitar is a slow but constant beat with Georgie hitting the bass drum on beat.

_Blue, blue, blue_

_Your eyes blue_

_The sky is blue the world is blue_

_Your eyes, your pretty eyes_

_I can't despise,_

_I'm hypnotized by your blue eyes_

Sometimes I think this song is about me

_Blue, blue as your mind_

_Blue as dawn, blue as dusk,_

_Blue as the night_

His guitar playing picks up a bit, his voice sounding a bit louder, and the way he speaks always makes me think about old blues songs.

_Oh I'm blue_

_Blue_

_Blue as ocean_

_Blue as the tide_

_Blue as your eyes_

_Oh I'm blue_

_Blue blue blue_

_I'm blue as the sky_

_Blue as the world_

_I'm blue as you_

The Guitar playing slows back down to what it was before,

_Oh you're blue_

_Blue, Blue as me_

_Blue as my secrets so hard to keep_

_They're buried deep_

_Confessions, my dearest one_

_Confessions to the lord_

_and to the sun_

The guitar picks up again, this time Sim is also playing bass in the background.

_Prove you're blue_

_Oh so blue_

_Blue as the deep_

_Blue like the weeps_

_Blue as sleep_

_Blue as me_

_You're blue as me_

_So hard to be_

_Loving someone blue as the sea_

Percy looks at me, directly at me, and continues, now with a bit more of a yell

_Blue baby_

_We're blue baby_

_You'll see you'll see_

_All your words all your blue_

_They wreck me_

The three band members go into a musical solo matching the feeling of the song. Then slows all the way down to just Percy and his guitar

_Blue,_

_Blue as you_

_Blue as me_

_Blue as us_

_Blue as the sea_

Cheers erupt and Percy is still staring at me as I cheer for him. They continue to play two more covers ( _Sixteen_ and _Crimson and Clover_ ) then end the night. Cheers and screams erupt as the band leaves to backstage.

As people leave and spill out of the Eleftheria, I can’t stop thing about Percy looking at me. I tune out the chatter of people and all I can hear is Percy’s voice.

_Loving someone blue as the sea_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg if you made this far thank you so much! There is...so much going on in this chapter. Yes, I did come up with 10 song titles, yes I did write lyrics for one of them, will I do that again? Probably. Also, I am very aware that I will never get the point across of what I think the song Blue as you, would sound like but the two songs mentioned are pretty close.  
> Speaking of, here are all the songs mentioned in this chapter-
> 
> Riot Grrrl by Daddy Issues
> 
> One Way Or Another by Blondie
> 
> I Threw Glass At My Best Friend's Eye and Now I'm on Probation by Destroy Boys
> 
> 40oz. On Repeat by FIDLAR
> 
> Lazaretto by Jack White
> 
> I'm Straight by The Modern Lovers
> 
> Never Tell by Violent Femmes
> 
> Sixteen by Iggy Pop
> 
> Crimson and Clover By Joan Jett


	5. Risks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW- Someone holding another person down without consent, misgendering, violence, various descriptions of blood, slurs (not a lot I think there are like two?), a lot of swearing, alcohol, and mentions of drug use

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter has a violent bit (I’m sorry but it’s important to the story) It's not too graphic or anything just lots of mentions of blood, mentions of a broken nose, there is so much swearing, and some of an unnamed (I'm sure you can guess who it is) character misgendering Percy. Don't worry though! The chapter is very long so that bit doesn’t take up all of it! 
> 
> If you’d like to read and just skip the violence, the violent bit starts with “Well…Fuck.” And you’re good after “Percy gets in his car and closes the door”
> 
> But if any of those warnings make you uncomfortable I will include everything important that happened in this chapter at the end notes so you will be filled in on the story!
> 
> Otherwise, enjoy the chapter!

I make my way backstage after the show and see Percy, Georgie, and Felicity are the only ones left back here. Georgie is putting some things in his backpack, Feli is mindlessly looking at her phone, her book now finished next to her. Then, I look to Percy who is standing looking into the mirror above the long table, shirtless and wiping sweat off his face.

Even though I have seen him shirtless plenty, and his fishnet top left little to the imagination, I still feel a blush creep up to my ears.

“See something you like Monty?” says my intrusive sister. I look to my sister who is smirking, the blue light from her phone illuminating her face.

I’m a bit caught off guard and not entirely sure what to say. I need more alcohol in me before I say ‘yes’ right out the gate, ‘no’ is offensive and a complete lie. Suddenly I realize my mouth is moving and I have no idea what I’m saying.

“W-what, no, I mean yes but like not like that, just like-”

Georgie is about to walk out the door to the bar and he puts his hand on my shoulder.

“Monty, stop talking.” He says with a slight laugh. Then he leaves.

I look back to Percy, I can see his face in the mirror, he’s smiling at me and mouths “mess.”

I flip him two fingers. He laughs, sticking his tongue out a little bit.

Felicity abruptly gets up from the couch and walks over to me and holds her hand in front of me palm up.

I’m not completely sure what is happening, so I just place my hand on hers. She rolls her eyes and pulls her hand out from under my own.

She puts her hand in front of me again, “The keys Monty” She says as if her motion was extremely obvious.

I look to the table at my side and find Percy’s bag, pull out the keys, and right before I hand them to her I say,

“Wreck the car and I will revert back to 7-year-old me.”

At age 7 after my incident with Father, I was upset so I threw Felicity’s book into the fireplace. Surprisingly, made everything worse, and started my long-running, and semi dying out, feud with Felicity.

Her eyes widen for a moment then her eyes thin, to question my accusation.

“You wouldn’t”

“You want to test that theory,” I say, finally being taller than her I hold the keys above her.

“I won’t wreck your shitty car Monty.” She says rolling her eyes and reaching for the keys.

I keep them in the air still out of reach of her hands.

“My car is not shitty! It’s vintage!” I say offended. It’s a teal Volkswagen beetle. It’s not shitty!

“No Monty, it’s shitty. If you fixed it up or polished it, it would vintage. You have done neither so it’s shitty, give me the keys now.” She says in the most level and calm tone I’ve ever heard.

I contemplate keeping this up but then I remember this is Felicity and she could easily mentally torture me for this once I’m home.

So, I hand her the keys. She says thanks then grabs her book and walks out the back door.

A wave of cold air wafts into the room after Felicity closes the door, and I am left alone with Percy. He’s still wiping his face of his makeup and trying to get ready to leave.

I walk over to Percy and slide to sit on the table next to him. Somehow even with the extra 6 inches of the shoe, I have on, my feet still don’t touch the ground.

“Did you like the show?” Percy asks looking around for something on the table.

“Yes! You did phenomenally; I didn’t even know you could play guitar that fast.” I say leaning my head back against the mirror.

He lets out a little chuckle, “It wasn’t that fast, and you’ve heard me play before.” He finds a hair tie on the table and puts his hair back into a loose ponytail.

“Just take the compliment darling.” I ruffle his hair accidentally pulling some hairs loose from his ponytail in the process.

“I don’t think that counts as a compliment, you just pointed out something.” He says smiling and fixing hair, again.

I sigh a dramatic sigh, “Fine,” I turn his head to mine, “Percy, you play guitar better than the greats, and you proved me wrong.”

“About what?”

That I couldn’t be any more attracted to you.

“That’s you couldn’t play a Jack White song.” I say instead

He laughs a little, “Thank you, Monty, now I have to go talk to Scip if you want to wait.” He says putting on a plain black shirt and grabbing his backpack.

I hop off the table and walk out into the Eleftheria right behind Percy. He tries desperately to make his way to the bar where Scipio is, being stopped every few steps to take photos with people. I slump against the wall near the door, no one is really back here except someone trying to talk to another person on the phone.

I realize I left my phone in Percy’s bag extremely quickly and now I kind of just awkwardly standing here. I stare out into the sea of people, it all looks blurred, and a little too fast. It's pretty terrifying really, that many people in here. I suddenly recognize a face, Richard Peele.

Well…Fuck.

This night was going so well…he’s walking towards me, shit.

I try to avert my eyes looking anywhere but at the tall shit eyed man walking towards me.

Maybe I could go into the backstage area. Patrons aren’t allowed back there, maybe-

My thoughts are cut off by Richard slamming his hand against the wall behind me, blocking me from turning into the backstage. He still has a good 3 inches on me even with the platforms. I’m not looking at his face, I can’t, it’s like trying to stare down your past mistakes.

Shameful, embarrassing, and abso-bloody-lutely terrifying.

“So, Montague, fancy seeing you here.” His voice is grating, it’s too posh, too…dickheadish.

I stay completely silent, looking at the floor, my head turned down.

He scoffs then turns my face towards his.

It’s not loving like how Percy turns my head. He grabs my chin and cheeks in his free hand and forcefully yanks my face to look at him.

My eyes are still looking down, staring at my feet and I see his. One of his feet is slotted in between mine and I suddenly feel extremely uncomfortable.

“What happened Montague, you seemed pretty happy to see me on Wednesday night. Now you’re leaving me on read and not even looking at me.” He sounds oddly quiet.

He’s quiet for a moment then says really close to my ear, “Or are you looking at something else.”

_Nope_. Big no. I am not dealing with this.

I try to move out of the way of him where I am not blocked, and he grabs my wrist. He plants it on the wall, and I look to the guy who is standing on the phone. I shoot him a look of help. He just walks away. Thanks, shithead.

I struggle a bit trying to get out of his grasp to no avail. I’m still trying to look anywhere but in front of me. He then places the hand which was on the wall on my shoulder pressing me up against it.

I don’t mean to, but I make some noise of struggle because his hand is crushing my wrist and my shoulder is starting to hurt and there are tears prickling my eyes.

He starts to chuckle, low and evil next to my ear before deeply saying, “I love it when you struggle.”

I’m suddenly hit with a wave of nausea and anxiety before someone speaks up.

“Hey, fuckhead, get off him.” I know that voice. Oh, any god or higher power that is watching thank you _so_ much.

Richard lets up a little on me before turning his head and I’m able to step out of his grasp. I make the biggest steps I can away from him, I look up and see Percy stood next to the barricade, one of his guitars is up against it. His backpack hanging off his shoulder and his arms are sternly crossed.

He looks at me for a moment, there are tears streaming down my face and I am rubbing my wrist. He then turns back to Richard with fury in his eyes. This is new, I’ve never seen Percy mad. Frustrated, annoyed, upset, sad, yes but never angry.

Richard starts taking steps towards Percy, still chuckling that arrogant chuckle. Percy stands his face unmoving and arms still crossed.

“What’s so funny, you think assault is funny, Dick?” Percy asks in the tone a parent would.

Richard looks Percy up and down and starts to laugh again. I walk over to stand next to Percy in case something happens, dammit I won’t let anything happen to Percy.

“Montague and I were having a conversation, Newton, so fuck off.” Richard says reaching out for me. I flinch away and grab Percy’s arm.

“Well, he doesn’t seem to be very interested.” Percy says sternly.

“He will be.” Richard says. I cave, I look at his face, his eyes are disgusting and terrifying.

“How about you leave, never come back here or near him or near me again, and we’ll call it a night,” Percy says staring Richard directly in the eyes.

“And why the fuck would I do that?” Richard says taking another step forward, he’s inches from Percy now.

“Because you’ll keep all your teeth that way.” Percy snaps back.

“Is that so ------” Holy fucking shit. Was that his dead name? I hadn’t heard it in so long I forgot it. I look to Percy and he looks uncomfortable.

Richard starts to laugh, a loud juvenile laugh, “I’ve got you now! Don’t I ------” I keep hearing the name and blocking it from my hearing, I don’t want to remember it, I don’t want to hear it.

Percy stays like a stone statue, and he’s staring daggers a Richard.

“I’m sorry, I am uncertain who you’re talking about.” Percy says face still in the same cold, stern position.

“Oooh, My apologies, it was just this dyke I knew, or maybe she was a girl just looking for some attention, I don’t know. What I do know is she fucked up her entire family’s lives and ran off with a druggie who was kicked out of school for being a whore, and was too much of a pussy to go back home.” Richard says loudly, staring directly at Percy the whole time.

Percy is deathly silent; his mouth is a thin line and his chest is moving up and down quickly. The last time Percy has been misgendered so heavily or at all really was about three years ago when he went to change his name and the lady was being an ass. Even then he wasn’t this angry.

“Well, see you around ------.” Richard says before backing away from Percy.

He makes a sudden movement at me like he’s going to jump at me, and I flinch. Grabbing Percy’s arm harder for a moment.

Richard laughs at that, then starts to walk away past us.

“Percy are you-” I start and before I can finish my sentence Percy has dropped his backpack off his shoulder, grabbed his guitar, and is striding towards Richard.

“HEY, DICK” Percy yells, his voice is deep and _loud_. Richard turns around and then it feels as if time has slowed.

Percy lifts his guitar and swings it like a baseball bat, hitting Richard directly in the head sending him to the floor.

There are gasps and yells and cheers in the sea of people, as Percy throws his guitar off somewhere and hops on top of Richard and, for lack of a better term, starts beating the _shit_ out of him.

The crowd starts forming an unbreakable circle around the two. I run over as fast as I can trying to see what’s happening. Obviously, I want ‘Dick’ Peele to get the shit beat out of him, but I don’t want Percy to get hurt.

I try to push my way through the crowd but all I can hear is ooh's and aaa’s and “Fuck him up!” and I can see nothing.

As I get a bit closer, I can hear the fight, I honestly wish I didn’t. It's fists hitting skin, grunts of pain, and Percy mumbling something along the lines of “Fuck you” and “Try that again.”

I can finally see a bit of them on someone’s phone screen and in a flash, Richard has the upper hand, my stomach drops to the floor.

Richard gets a punch in, scraping Percy’s above eyebrow and I try and push through the crowd as fast as I can but I’m making little progress. I’m hoping Scipio makes his way through before I do.

Percy keeps getting hit and every time he does, he laughs and smiles. That pisses Richard the _fuck_ off.

Percy gets another punch to the face right to his eye. Even with blood pouring from different areas of his face he still has a smile plastered on. He lets out a laugh and yells “THAT ALL YOU GOT, DICK?”

Wrong move. _Wrong move._

Richard reels back and lands a punch right in the middle of his face, somehow far enough from his nose that it doesn’t break but close enough it bleeds and bleeds quick.

Percy laughs again and flips them.

His hair is almost completely out of the ponytail and I blocking his face from view, all I can see is dripping blood onto Richard’s white shirt and face.

Scipio finally gets to the middle the same time I do, with Georgie who I didn’t even know was still here. Right as Percy is about to hit Richard again Scipio and Georgie grab him by the underarms and lift him off, Richard.

I get a look at Richard’s face and it is infinitely worse than Percy’s…in many ways but at the moment I mean his wounds.

His nose is bleeding worse than Percy’s and is kind of going a different direction than I remember. His lip is bleeding, his left eye won’t open and there is blood dripping down the back of his neck which I assume is from the guitar.

An employee lifts Richard up and starts dragging him to the door. He’s limping and holding his jaw. Percy is kicking and screaming general swears and insults.

Right before Richard and the employee are at the door, Percy yells in a booming thunder-like voice,

“GO HOME TO DADDY’S MONEY, YOU TRANSPHOBIC BOOTLICKING, MOTHERFUCKER!!”

The crowd cheers and a few follow Richard yelling things along the lines of “Fuck head” “Bootlicker” “Dick Peele.”

A small part- No scratch that, my _entire being_ is ecstatic, Richard ‘Dick’ Peele got his ass beat by Percy,

The man who I saw pick up a butterfly out of the road so it wouldn’t get hit.

The man who cuddled my baby brother until he stopped crying over their album cover.

The man who secretly wears oversized sweaters, fuzzy socks, and plays the violin.

Richard Peele got his ass handed to him by Percy fucking Newton, and I for one adore this.

Speaking of Percy, I look over to him and he is now being quite literally dragged backstage. With great difficulty might I add; he keeps kicking. He has blood pouring from his nose, and his left eyebrow. There are a couple of scratches on the right side of his face that also seem to be bleeding.

The crowd dissipates and filters either, out of the bar or around to different parts of it. A lot of them gazing at the videos they took. I quickly run behind the bar and grab a couple of dishrags.

I run as fast as I can catching up with Scip, Georgie, and Percy, grabbing Percy’s discarded bag on the way. And we enter backstage.

Percy is pretty much thrown onto the couch by Scip and Georgie. Scipio points at Georgie and tells him to go grab Percy’s guitar from wherever he threw it. So, he slips out the door leaving Percy, Scipio, and I alone.

I place Percy’s bag on the ground, and I walk over to the ice bucket on the floor near the couch. I collect as much solid ice as I can in one rag and wetting the other with the already melted ice.

Scip checks Percy’s face a moment turning it left and right, and Percy nods lightly.

Under his breath, Scipio says “Good.” Then all of a sudden,

“What the bloody hell is the matter with you boy?!” Scipio yells at Percy who is currently breathing heavily and running his hands through his hair.

I sit next to him on my knees and start wiping the blood off his face and neck…it would be wrong for me to say that I wasn’t the tiniest bit attracted to Percy when he’s covered in blood and breathing heavily after beating the shit out of a transphobe.

But there’s too much to unpack in those thoughts, I’ll get to them later.

“I want to know what possessed your soul, that made you think hittin’ a patron with a guitar and beatin’ him to a pulp was a good idea?” Scipio rants.

I put the dishrag of ice to Percy’s nose and he leans his head back.

“No, no, down,” I say putting my free hand on the back of his neck and moving his head forward. He gives in, no confusion, or questioning. He’s so tired.

“You could’ve killed that boy hittin’ him with a fuckin’ electric guitar like it’s a fuckin’ baseball bat!” Scipio yells

I think back to this morning, Percy hitting a tv with a bat and easily smashing it. That must have hurt, to have Percy with his strength hit you with a heavy electric guitar.

“Percy, my boy, tell me please what the hell you were thinkin’” Scipio says softer now crouching in front of Percy.

Percy looks up for a moment and stares Scipio dead in the eyes,

“I was thinking, I just saw this man hold someone I care for deeply against a fucking wall,”

I want to focus on that comment very badly but Percy is saying something important so I will my brain to keep listening.

“I was thinking that maybe he’ll leave. Then he started talking to me like I was a kid, that he could push around for his own sick satisfaction,”

Percy stands up, taking the dishrag away from his nose, blood starts dripping down his face again.

“and so I thought, I’m a man, and I’m not going sit here and let this jackass look me in the eyes and tell me I’m not. We aren’t in fucking in year 11 anymore, you don’t get out of shit because you’re scarier or bigger. So, Scipio, I was thinking, shitheads, get their asses beat. That’s how adulthood works.” Percy states standing over Scipio.

“No, adulthood is keepin’ a steady job and gettin’ your shit together. Not scarin’ off patrons by beatin’ the shit out of one of them, at your job.” Scipio says a bit louder then and standing. He’s a little taller than Percy, but Percy seems unphased by this.

“They came for a punk show, I gave them a fucking punk show.”

“You threw a tantrum-” Scipio is cut off by Percy shouting

“Are you really defending a man who held Monty to the fucking wall, then called me my deadname and laughed about it?! You’re defending him!?”

The room is deathly silent, Percy and Scipio are both standing their ground and staring dead into each other’s eyes. I see Georgie come back in for one second and then slip back out the door.

“I’m not defendin’ him Percy; all I’m sayin’ is you could have gotten seriously injured. You need to keep your head down so you don’t get fuckin’ killed. You did all that out there for what?” Scipio has now adopted a low and parental tone.

“I already told you, shitheads get their asses beat.”

“Percy-” Scipio starts

“No, No I’m done here,” Percy says standing tall.

He throws his blood-soaked dishrag to the floor. It hits the ground with a heavy, uncomfortably wet slap to the dingy carpet floor. As the ice cubes spill out of it.

Percy then strides out the back door leaving Scipio behind. I grab Percy’s bag, throw it over my shoulder and I quickly follow him.

Percy gets in his car and closes the door, I run after him quickly getting in the passenger seat. I hand Percy his bag, he grabs the keys and immediately shoves them into the ignition turning on the car. Percy puts one hand on the wheel and the other on his face, mindlessly trying to massage the pain away.

He backs up out of the alleyway and onto the road with a screeching sound. The engine revs loudly as we are speeding down the road, I don’t know where we are going. I don’t think Percy knows either.

We manage to get out of the deep city and onto a road Percy can speed-up on. I don’t want him to, because I don’t know how fast a 1990s Honda can go without dying. But at this point, I don’t think I can reason with him.

“Well, if we’re going to have breakdowns might as well put on some music,” I say jokingly reaching for the aux cord.

I look for a moment on my Spotify for anything and I find my playlist I appropriately named “Be angry, get drunk” it starts with _Bitch Theme_. That’ll work.

Percy immediately turns the volume up exceedingly loud and speeds up the car.

_Do you really think so?_

_You're such a bitch_

_You're such a bitch!_

_Bitch theme_ only being a minute and a half long it feels like it lasted one second. The next song is _CryBaby_. I feel like I’m in a coming of age movie.

_You love to feel this way_

_So you scream, could it be?_

_You give it all away_

_Admission free, could it be?_

I look to Percy; he’s still pissed but he seems more frustrated now.

His hands are gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles are white. His hair is down now and tucked behind his ear. I can see his eyes burning holes into whatever the hell is in front of us. His nose has seemed to stop bleeding but there is still some blood stained on his face and chin.

God, I wish I just went backstage and never interacted with Richard Peele. Then Percy wouldn’t be hurting, fighting with his only parental figure and speeding down a road at 120kph.

The song switches to _Punks_ , blasting my eardrums. I suddenly know where we are, a familiar road leading out of town. The trip out to Percy’s secluded spot is significantly shorter when you’re speeding. Or maybe I’m more distracted now than this morning.

We start taking the sharp turns down backroads and eventually make it to the weird junkyard thing Percy took me just this morning.

Percy parks the car and hops out, not turning it off and leaving the music.

The song switches again to _I’m yer dad_ and I get out of the car leaving the door open so the music can fill the world around us.

This place looks different at night, The tall lamp posts scattered throughout the lot shine a dim almost non-existent yellow light across the car, mixing with the bright blueish light of the moon.

Percy opens the boot of the car and starts looking for something. It’s much colder out here than in town, my legs are very exposed, and I’m surprised I hadn’t noticed until now.

After a minute or so of me leaning against the car and watching Percy riffle through different duffel bags and backpacks, I hear,

“Fuck.” He mutters,

“Hm?” I hum,

“I had a thing of whiskey back here, but I don’t see it.” Percy says standing up.

I see the whiskey, it’s tucked far behind one of the bags, I can see the shine in the metallic top. I don’t know if I should tell him or not though.

I don’t really want him to drown his sorrows in alcohol as I do. Then again, I could use a drink and I’m sure I could down a whole bottle with all the shame bubbling in my body right now.

I reach forward into the boot and realize something, there’s a first aid kit. It’s inside the bag the bottle is tucked behind.

My brain starts to enter a broken record like state of “Alcohol, first aid, alcohol, first aid.”

Alcohol…but Percy’s hurt. I let him get hurt. How did that happen?

My hand that was reaching for the bottle stops and grabs the kit.

Now if Percy finds the bottle on his own, I won’t turn him down or tell him not to drink, but at least I know I did the morally correct thing in this situation.

Percy does find the bottle and heaves it out from behind the clutter. A bit of happiness flashes across his eyes before he shuts the boot of the car and climbs on top it.

The song is now _No Waves_. Fitting.

I climb up and lay next to Percy, our backs are pressed against the glass of the back windshield. I stare up at the sky, there are so many stars, and the moon is blinding. A breeze starts up and feels as if the wind is running in and out of my fishnets and through my hair.

I turn to look at Percy, his eyes are closed, and his hands are underneath his head, the wind is lightly moving his hair. His face already starting to swell.

I can’t believe I let that happen, all I did was cry and flinch. If I wasn’t in Percy’s life, he wouldn’t hurt so much.

_I feel, feel like I'm a grandpa_

_I feel, feel like I'm already 80 years old_

_And my skin's so cold_

_I need a new body and I need a new soul_

I quickly reach across Percy’s body and grab the whiskey bottle from his hands. It’s only a quarter of the way full, makes me wonder what Percy does without me. I twist the cap just enough that I can flick it far away.

_I feel, feel like getting drunk_

_I feel, feel like fucking up my life_

_Again, with all my friends_

_I hope we'll make it til the end_

I take three long gulps out of the whiskey bottle. It’s a familiar burn going down, and I feel warm in my stomach.

Percy reaches over, grabs the bottle, and takes a swig from it before handing it back to me. I am suddenly aware that I still have the first aid kit next to me and I should probably be helping Percy.

I drink the last little bit of alcohol from the bottle before leaning off the car and placing it on the ground next to the car. I lean back up and place the first aid kit in my lap.

I open the plastic case with a loud click and get a look at all of the contents. Anti-septic wipes, anti-septic, bandages, a heat pack, a small bottle of water, some cloth, an ice pack, some Advil, some of Percy’s epilepsy medication, and an epi-pen.

I grab the antiseptic wipes, the water, the clothe the ice pack, and some bandages all in different sizes, then close the case.

I turn to Percy he’s still laying down and he’s staring at the sky. It feels oddly quiet even though the music hasn’t stopped. It’s changed, it’s now _Fade Away And Radiate_.

_Ooo baby, watchful lines_

_Vibrate soft in brainwave time_

I lean over and push his hair back and hold it there. I clean the few scrapes across the right side and the small gash above his left eyebrow. I can see his face illuminated by the moon and his sharp features defined by the yellow light of the lamp posts.

_Silver pictures move so slow_

_Golden tubes faintly glow_

I put a small bandage on his eyebrow and clean his face a bit more. I get the cloth wet with water and run it down his neck and chin, cleaning all the dried red stains off of his sandalwood skin.

_Electric faces seem to merge_

_Hidden voices mock your words_

I realize quickly that I am lost in a trance of staring at Percy’s neck. He beautiful in any light really, but I truly believe this place is magical. Any light out here makes him look like an old movie star. Soft and elegant but at the same time, sharp and strong, and beautiful.

Or maybe it’s just Percy in general, that’s beautiful.

I move my hand off him and ring out the cloth onto the ground. I grab the ice pack and activate it.

I look back to Percy and he’s staring at me with an undefinable look in his eyes. The song changes to _Heroin_ and the bass drum in the song shakes the car a bit.

_I don't know just where I'm going_

_But I'm gonna try for the kingdom if I can_

_'Cause it makes me feel like I'm a man_

_When I put a spike into my vein_

_And I tell you things aren't quite the same_

I hand Percy the ice pack and he holds it to his eye.

“I’m so sorry Percy.” I say mindlessly stroking his hair.

His eyebrows furrow, “For what?”

“For…” I honestly don’t know where to start, “Ever coming tonight and just generally existing your life.” I give a light chuckle

Percy doesn’t laugh he just seems confused,

“What happened tonight wasn’t your fault.” He sits up and my hand falls from his hair, “You know, that right?”

“Percy it _was_ my fault,” I say back, looking down at my lap.

“Did you invite Peele?” He asks moving my face with his free hand to look up at him.

“No!” I say a little offended.

“Did you ask him to say all that shit?” He asks, his thumb and index finger holding my chin.

“No,” I say softly

He places the ice pack down and grabs both my shoulders, then shakes me,

“Then it’s not your fault!” He says laughing a bit.

I don’t think he’s listening to me, “Percy you get into more trouble, you literally get hurt all because of me.”

Percy rolls his eyes a little, “Believe it or not I get into my own trouble without your assistance.”

“You’ve been through so much, and me being in your life made it so much worse. I honestly don’t know why you hang around me.” I say looking at his shirt, it has a dark stain of blood on it.

“Please give me one example where you made my life worse,” Percy says his hands falling from my shoulders.

I have an entire list of small things, but I start with the big things.

“Well, I dragged you along that year of hell with me, I am constantly bringing you down to my level of drugs and alcoholism. You’d probably be off being a famous musician right now, rather than here with me in this shitty town.”

I finish and Percy looks like I slapped him, after a moment he speaks up,

“You do realize everything would be much worse if you weren’t in my life.”

I stay silent.

“Monty I would be in terrible pain inside and out if it wasn’t for you. When we were 10 years old, I came over to your house and we spent hours on the internet trying to figure out a term for why I felt like a boy, and we found one. You were the first person to call me Percy, you were the first to listen to me. If you were not in my life, I wouldn’t have known what to do for a long time, I know I wouldn’t.”

Percy stops for a moment then continues,

“I mean, fuck Monty, you bought me my first guitar, I literally wouldn’t have learned have you not done that. The first time I went to a record store was with you, the first time I listened to punk music was with you.”

I start to say something, but it dies on my tongue as Percy continues,

“That year of hell you mentioned, was a turning point in my life. You bought me my binder that year, while you were in school without me asking you, and your note…I kept that.”

I know he kept it, it’s in his wallet.

_Dear Perce,_

_I was looking around on amazon a few nights ago (I know fuck the system and all that but hear me out) and I found a perfect birthday gift for you. I’m hoping that this is ok I kind of just guessed your size, but I know that you needed one. I know you’ll look so handsome in this! I’m terribly sorry I can’t be there for your birthday; I’m hoping your days are least bearable without being graced by my presence._

_Happy Birthday, Percy!_

_Sincerely yours, Monty_ _♡_

“When I got the text that you got kicked out of Eton and you were running, I wanted to run too. Do you remember what that text said?” Percy asks me, leaning forward a bit.

I shake my head no. I really don’t remember the shit I said that night. A lot of “I’ll miss Sinjon” and “Oh lord I might die”

“You said that you would rather be homeless and be who you are than live in a castle and have to pretend. That stuck with me, so I packed a bag threw on my binder, marched downstairs, and told my parents I was trans. They kicked me out and I met up with you. And you have no idea how happy I am that I did that.”

I shake my head the tiniest bit, and Percy starts again.

“If you weren’t there to pull me into that bar, I wouldn’t have met Scipio. From that I couldn’t have gotten to be on testosterone, I couldn’t have changed my name, I couldn’t have gotten top surgery. I wouldn’t know Sim or Georgie if it wasn’t for you. I wouldn’t be _happy_ if it weren’t for you.”

Percy holds my face between his hands trying to catch my eyes.

“You’re right that year was hell, but _there is life after survival_ , Monty. I wholeheartedly know that I would not be here, having an amazing life, if not for you.”

I look at his eyes, he’s sincere.

“But Perce, you’re fighting with Scip and-” I start

“Because I hit someone with a guitar after a show, I don’t think he should be mad about that either, because Richard Peele is a complete dickhead, but we are different people”

I stay quiet for a moment,

“I hate Richard Peele,” I say quietly

“ _WE HATE RICHARD PEELE_!” Percy yells, we start laughing

Percy smiles at me, stares off for a moment before saying,

“Do you ever just want to scream?” He asks

That’s an odd question, “Yea” I respond.

I think for a moment, then hop off the car. Nearly falling over because I forgot I am wearing platforms and was expecting to be much closer to the ground.

I walk over to the passenger door and change the song to _Bad Habits_ , my screaming song.

I walk back over to Percy who looks a little confused.

“Come on, you want to scream, so let’s do it in style,” I say taking off my platforms so that I can jump around without losing balance.

“Monty, I don’t know if people live out here.” He says sitting up,

“So fucking what, let’s scream until our voices are horse, and hit shit until it breaks.” Anything to make you happy, I think to myself. “I can be punk too.”

I see a smile appear on his face and in perfect time with the music, he jumps off the car as soon as the song gets loud.

We start screaming the lyrics at the top of our lungs, dancing, jumping, playing air guitar. We’ve moved a good ten feet from the car, and throughout the song, we get progressively closer. We are pretty much just grasping each other and screaming at some point.

_And I think I need help_

_'Cause I'm playing with myself_

_At least three times a day_

I stand on my toes and I jokingly put my head on Percy’s shoulder at that line. He wraps his opposite arm behind my head and fucks up my hair, smiling and laughing as we’re still yelling.

_And what's the big fuckin' deal_

_If I don't wanna feel_

_But I got some reservations about rehabilitation_

I honestly don’t know what my hands are doing, we’re pretty much leaning on each other and my hands are clutched in his shirt. And his are clutching mine.

_'Cause I drink 'till I'm mad_

_And I love being sad_

We move away from each other a little because we know the scream we are about to let out. My hands are still clutched in his shirt and his hands are loosely placed on my shoulders.

_OH MY GOD I’M BECOMING MY DAD_

Suddenly Percy’s hands are on my collar and he pulls me forward. Slamming his lips into mine.

I completely caught off guard, but I kiss back and wrap my hands in his hair. He tastes like whiskey, sweat, and blood; he has a sweet soft smell, like honey and lilacs.

It’s one of the most contradicting experiences of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for the universe.

The song keeps playing and Percy and I are moving progressively closer to the boot of the car. The song reaches its end as Percy places me on the car and my legs wrap his hips.

The starting chords to _You Shook Me_ startup, unfortunately, we have to stop to breathe. I look to Percy and see his lips are tinted by my black lip gloss.

Suddenly Percy backs away for a moment and starts to ramble.

“I shouldn’t have done that. Oh lord, I’m sorry, shit you probably think I’m insane.”

You know I actually do think he is insane because there is nothing in the entirety of human comprehension that could make me think that Percy kissing me is a bad idea.

He continues to ramble,

“Perce-”

“God, you probably hate me after all this shit,”

“Perce-”

“I don’t why I thought you’d be okay with that,” 

“Percy!” I say a bit louder

He stops and I put my finger to his chin and move it to look at me. I stop for a moment, and I suddenly don’t think there is a difference between Percy’s freckles and the stars above us.

“Shut up, darling,” I say smiling.

Then I press our lips together. Under the pale blue and dim yellow light, with _Led Zeppelin_ playing, the bass shaking our cores, we stay there.

_You know you shook me, baby_

_You shook me all night long._

All night long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOOOH BOY, it's getting real now! I'm very proud of how this chapter turned out so thank you for reading! I know the fight seemed a little excessive but it is very important to the story.
> 
> ANYWAY, if you did skip the chapter essentially what happened is,  
> -Richard Peele was being a transphobic pervy bitch so Percy beat his ass  
> -Percy and Scipio had a disagreement and Percy stormed off after the line I'm quite proud of "Shitheads get their asses beat. That's how adulthood works."  
> -Monty and Percy drive to that recycling junkyard area  
> -Monty cleaned up Percy after the fight  
> -Monty is being self-deprecating and Percy tells him all the wonderful things he has done for him  
> -The boys scream their heads off to Bad Habits by FIDLAR  
> -Percy kisses Monty
> 
> That's pretty much it, if you would like to read all the nice things Monty has done that bit starts with "I hand Percy the ice pack and he holds it to his eye." 
> 
> ALRIGHTY (geez this chapter's notes are long)  
> There are so many songs in this one-
> 
> Bitch Theme by Bratmobile
> 
> CryBaby by Destroy Boys
> 
> Punks by FIDLAR
> 
> I'm Yer Dad by GRLwood
> 
> No Waves by FIDLAR
> 
> Fade Away And Radiate by Blondie
> 
> Heroin by The Velvet Underground
> 
> Bad Habits by FIDLAR
> 
> You Shook Me by Led Zeppelin 
> 
> Also "There is life after survival" and "WE HATE RICHARD PEELE" were from tggtvav obviously I did not write them lol
> 
> Finally! At the end of notes! I will work on getting chapter six out as soon as I can, school is out this week because my school is independent and indecisive as shit, so chapter six may be out v soon. Thank you again for reading!!


	6. Hidden

Okay, we didn’t stay there all night, we decided to leave after an hour because I was cold.

The feeling of realizing your irrational actions after an emotional moment set in _fast_.

I slipped my platforms back on and had to clean up the first aid kit and just the general mess we (mostly I) left, while Percy went to the main building of this lot so he could leave the 20 quid. I need to ask him what the hell that’s about.

As we got in the car it is cold, the volume is too loud, and Percy is almost out of petrol. The steering wheel’s soft leather now has indentions from Percy’s nails digging into it.

I’m trying to find some music to put on, but I honestly don’t know what this feeling is called. Regret? No. Tired? Probably.

These are moments where I wish I made more specific playlists. Maybe one called “You and your best friend just kissed after they beat the shit out of someone.” That playlist would come in handy right now.

I just put on _Hozier_ ; his voice tends to fix most problems. I know he’s Johanna’s favorite.

_Take Me To Church_ is the first song to play and I remember Percy one night played this but changed ‘she’ and ‘her’ to ‘he’ and ‘his’. I thought he was just changing it to play in a show. However, when he played it in a show, he changed everything to ‘baby’ and ‘they’re’. So that moment felt special.

The ride remains relatively silent (except for the music of course).

At some point, my fingers slipped between his. His hands are warm and calloused. My fingers mindlessly wander over the indentions in his fingertips from playing guitar. He lets me do that the whole way back to his flat.

We make it back in a state of euphoria, we never let go of each other’s hands unless we absolutely have to. I feel as if I’d positively die if I were to let go of him.

We enter the flat where the only light is coming through the blinds above the dining table, leaving dark yellow lines from the streetlamps throughout the main area.

Percy closes the door behind us and starts walking towards his room. I place his bag against the wall next to the door. I open it to get our phones and I see something I didn’t before.

Illuminated by the new light coming from underneath Percy’s bedroom door. On the inside of his backpack, he has a picture poorly sewn onto one of the pockets.

Unfortunately, it’s not a picture of me and him. It’s of Percy, Sim, and Georgie before their first gig. It’s adorable, 17-year-old Percy, newly 16-year-old Sim, and 14-year-old Georgie all huddled on that couch backstage. Somehow the damn thing looks worse in this picture.

I run my fingers over the photo before grabbing our phones and heading to Percy’s room.

His lights are on, dosing the room in white light. My eyes take a moment to adjust to the lighting before I see Percy taking some clothes out of his closet.

I toss his phone on his bed then I check mine for a moment. Obviously, I see about 50 texts from various people asking if we were okay, where we went, did Percy really hit someone with a guitar. I only have one from Sim that says “Nice” in retaliation to finding out about what happened. Felicity texted me to tell Percy he is completely reckless and for me to make sure none of his scrapes get infected.

“Felicity says you’re reckless,” I say to him as he walks over to the bed grab his phone.

“She’s right.” He replies now sitting on his bed.

He stares at his phone, and he mindlessly starts chewing on the joint of his index finger, while reading whatever is on his phone. He looks the tiniest bit worried, so I sidle up next to him and try to see what he is looking at.

It’s Scipio’s contact and a very, very, _very_ long text, I’m assuming about tonight.

I think Percy notices that I’m next to him because he shuts his phone off and looks at me. The only bit I saw said “I think you guys should do another show but-” then the screen was black.

“Are you okay?” I ask reaching my hand to touch his face. He winces a bit and a part of my heart dies.

“I’ll be fine, I’m going to take a shower, I’ll probably feel better after that.” He says placing his hand over mine. I smile at him and he gets up and leaves the room.

I honestly don’t know what to do with myself, obviously, Percy won’t take over an hour like this morning, but he still takes an ungodly long time in the shower.

I head into the main room and see it’s a bit messy…I could clean?

Percy’s flat is usually extremely clean, so our takeout from early this morning, various jackets, and shoes are unusual.

I clean the living room corner first. It’s always been my favorite part of this room. Along with his black velvet sofa and music posters, he has a dark grey loveseat with a quilt he made out of old t-shirts on top of it. The tv is on an old table with the milk crates of vinyl records underneath it.

Next to the sofa is an end table which has the takeout on it. I pick up the two boxes of food and throw them into the garbage can. Then start to straighten pillows and blankets.

That end table is actually an old suitcase with table legs attached to it. Percy always said that it doesn’t open. Yet, one day I just decided to try and open it, the worst that would happen would be Percy saying, “I just told you it doesn’t open.”

Surprisingly, it did open, and inside I found, candles and a couple of lighters. Like nice, scented candles from Bath and Body Works and Yankee Candle, all smell amazing. The bright pink candle called Twisted Peppermint was really burnt down.

So, to show him I knew of his little candle secret, the next Christmas I bought him the scent in multiple different forms. One being a candle, and when he looked confused and asked “Monty, what.” I just picked up the candle and put it with the others. I’ve still got a couple more of the candles in my closet, so I give him one every Christmas or for his birthday.

I walk over to the candle table and pull out a candle called Warm and Cozy, light it and place it on the kitchen counter.

I go back into Percy’s room and see it’s a bit of a mess in here too. I’m obviously not going to clean everything because he has some sort of “messy but it’s not messy” look going on in here. I just move his shoes over on the rack where his jackets hang as well, I pick up his laundry and throw it into the hamper next to his closet and pick his blankets off the floor, and spread them across the bed.

I take my platforms off, put them next to his shoes, and fall back onto the bed. It started to rain outside, now all I can hear is the falling rain hitting the window. I start to close my eyes, before my phone rings.

It’s my Mum, it’s 1 A.M, what is she doing awake?

“Hello, Mum? Are you alright?” I ask

She breathes a sigh of relief, “Oh, Henry you’re alright…wait are you alright? Is Percy okay?” she asks quickly, she’s whispering, and I can barely hear her.

“Are you okay?” She asks with a bit more worry.

“I-I’m fine Mum, why do you ask?” I reply. I hear her shuffling, then a quiet closing of a door and the pitter-patter of rain. I’m assuming she’s on her balcony now.

“Felicity told me you and Percy got in a bit of skirmish with the Peele boy, I just wanted to make sure you’re safe and alright.” She says a bit louder now but she’s still quiet. “Both of you.” She adds on

“We’re fine, Percy’s a little beat up but not too bad, and we’re both safe,” I say back.

“Are you still in town?” There’s a small quiver in her voice, I hate I made me skipping town a worry for her.

“Yeah, I’m staying at Percy’s,” I answer back quickly

I hear her quietly sigh, “Good, good,” She stays silent for a moment then “Henry, um, your Father wants you home tomorrow, alone.”

A wave of anxiety crashes over my body. I stay silent.

“I know you and your Father don’t get along, but it’d be nice to see you.” She says, she sounds really distressed now.

“Henry, if something was wrong, you would tell me, right?” She asks very quietly now.

“What do you mean Mum?” I know exactly what she means.

“If-” She stops for a moment, “You would tell me if he was hurting you, right Henry?” She’s almost inaudible I had to turn my volume all the way up to just hear her.

My mind immediately flashes to all the times Father has told me,

_“You are never to reveal to your mother or sister, what is happening, or there will be severe consequences.”_

_“What’s more severe than this Father.”_

_“Are you talking back to me Henry!”_

_“N-No Sir.”_

_“I’ve barely been punishing you all these years, that’s how severe.”_

“Henry?” I hear my mother’s soft voice up against my ear, breaking me out of my thoughts

Shit. I zoned out.

“I would tell you Mum” I lie

“Is he hurting you, Henry?” She whispers

I can’t tell her; I know she’ll immediately confront him, and I don’t know what he’ll do to her. I’m not there, I can’t tell her.

“No, he’s not,” I lie again.

She stays silent for a bit, then I hear her inhale a shaky breath

“Alright, I won’t keep you up any longer, just- if anything ever happens please tell me.” She says still at a whisper,

“I will Mum, love you.” I say letting out a small sigh

“I love you too sweetheart, get some rest, send Percy my love,

“I will,” It seems I’ve reduced my speech to those two words.

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow.” She whispers before hanging up the phone.

Percy walks in about five minutes later holding his dirty clothes in his hands. His hair is in a very loose bun, some of his curls sticking out. He’s wearing a worn Velvet Underground shirt and pale blue boxers. He looks so soft like this, the scrapes on his face have new small bandages on them, his face isn’t swollen. He looks calm.

Percy sends me a smile and I melt. I’m not going to tell him about the phone call, not tonight. I’m letting myself have this moment.

“You know, you should probably take a shower too, get out of those clothes.” Percy says placing his clothes in the hamper.

It is taking all my power to not make a joke about getting out of my clothes, but the sheer domesticity of the situation makes me feel like crying, and I will NOT ruin this moment dammit.

“I don’t have any other clothes to switch into, darling.” I say to him. My brain only forming one thought ‘please give me your clothes’.

Percy walks over to his closet, reaches around a bit then pulls out his old _CBGB_ shirt and a pair of plaid boxers. My prayers have been answered.

He holds them out to me, “Go on, your soap is in the medicine cabinet, and there’s some micellar water under the sink.” He says softly.

I take the clothes and start walking out of the room. Percy suddenly says “Wait,”

I stop and he grabs my hand and pulls me into a kiss. It’s soft and sweet, his lips taste like mint and he smells like a forest mixed with flowers.

We pull apart and he says very quietly “I just…really wanted to do that.”

I smile and let out a soft laugh “You can do that anytime you’d like darling.”

He smiles as well then lets me go and tells me to go take a shower.

I walk into the bathroom with my phone and Percy’s clothes and close the door. The room is warm, the mirror is clouded, and it smells of Percy in here.

I wipe some of the condensation off the mirror, grab a hand towel and the micellar water and take off (what’s left of) my makeup.

It feels as though it has been two weeks since yesterday morning, I’m not sure why I thought that bruise would be gone, but it’s still there a dark purple.

My face now in its rawest form before me, I stare at myself in the mirror. My skin is pale, a bit red in some places from me scrubbing my foundation off. My stubble is starting to come in and makes my face all scratchy. My hair is a mess from a mix of headbanging and Percy putting his hand in it. The bags under my eyes are very visible under the harsh bathroom light.

I look away from the mirror and turn on the shower. While waiting for it to heat up, I place a towel and Percy’s clothes on the counter next to my phone. I grab my soaps from under the sink and place them on the little ledge in the shower.

I’ve started leaving stuff here, at first it was small things, phone chargers, socks, the occasional earring. Now, I’ve started leaving bigger things, soap, shirts, toothbrush. He’s even started buying food I like. I’m honestly not sure how I didn’t notice Percy likes me.

Maybe he doesn’t like me. That was an emotional moment he was probably just bored. I’ll just- think about that later.

While washing my hair I hear a guitar through the wall and realize Percy is playing. I speed through the rest of the shower so that I can be out and listening to Percy. He doesn’t play alone often but when he does, I adore it.

I manage to finish the shower in record time, I dry off and throw on Percy’s clothes. They’re a bit big on me, the boxers are long enough that they fall a couple of inches above my knees. The shirt is a bit shorter; he doesn’t usually wear this unless he wants a shorter shirt but not a crop top.

I dry my hair a bit, then walk out into the main room turning off the bathroom lights as I go. The main room is so warm now, not in temperature but in feeling.

The only light is from a couple of lamps and the window. The candle’s scent fills the room and Percy is sat on the grey sofa playing _As It Was_ , with his acoustic guitar.

I toss my clothes into the hamper in his room, then flop down on the black sofa facing Percy. I subtly turn my phone’s camera and start filming, making sure the camera is facing down.

I always try to record Percy playing when we’re alone, sometimes I listen to the recordings when I’m trying to calm down. I put my hands under my head and let Percy’s voice a music wash over me, immediately calming me.

_Eyes at the heights of my baby_

_And this hope at the fight of my baby_

_And the lights were as bright as my baby_

_But your love was unmoved_

_And the sights were as stark as my baby_

_And the cold was as sharp as my baby_

_And the nights were as dark as my baby_

_Half as beautiful too_

He finishes the song then looks to me, smiling and tilting his head.

“Perce, could you play something faster?” I ask flashing my dimples at him.

“Fast how?” He asks me now resting his chin on the guitar

“Like bluesy fast, something fun.” I say gesturing my hands towards nothing.

I’m trying to get him to play something he’s never played in front of anyone, I know he practices when I’m not here, there must be something. So, I’ve started subtly naming genres I barely hear him play till he does it.

He starts playing a song which I have heard him play but I won’t stop him.

_I love to see you strut_

_Up and down the floor_

_When you talking to me_

_That baby talk_

_I like it like that_

He’s able to make his voice go all gravely like the original singer but his British accent peaks through a little bit when he sings so when he say ‘talk’ or ‘walk’ it sounds very British…I love it.

_But you walk that walk_

_And talk that talk_

_And whisper in my ear_

_Tell me that you love me_

He looks to me a moment and smiles, his pitches his voice down to match the original song,

_I love that talk_

_When you talk like that_

_It knocks me out_

_Right off my feet_

He finishes the song and starts playing the guitar riff for _Mannish Boy_. He’s not singing the lyrics just trying to fill the silence.

I’m trying to think if there are any genres, I’ve never heard him play. I turn my head to the side and look at the vinyl records, I see a record and immediately think,

“You should play some country.” I say turning my head back to staring at the ceiling.

He starts to play Tennessee Whiskey and I am immediately taken aback. All I had to do was just ask?!

Whatever, I love this song, I love him, I’m going to enjoy it.

_You're as smooth as Tennessee whiskey_

_You're as sweet as strawberry wine_

I start to sing with him

_You're as warm as a glass of brandy_

_And honey, I stay stoned on your love all the time_

We laughed our way through the rest of the song, Percy hit the high note perfectly.

“Okay, Perce” I ask laughing, the sleep starting to get to me

“Yes, Monty” Percy laughs back,

“Play something you’ve never played in front of anyone.” I say if it is that simple to get him to play new songs I might cry.

“What do you mean?” He asks stiffing a bit. I know he doesn’t like showing songs he hasn’t perfected but I want him to know he can be comfortable.

“You know, like songs you know how to play but never play in front of people for one reason or another. Just play them for me.” I say sitting up and leaning against the arm of the sofa.

He stays silent before saying, “Okay” then positions his hand on the fretboard.

The starting chords to _Sinner’s Prayer_ flood the room.

I like this song, but Percy singing it with full emotion has now made it my favorite.

_He has a funny way saying forever too fast_

_Don't get mad, can't blame a tramp_

_For something he don't have_

_I get on my knees and beg you_

_Hear my sinner's prayer_

_I am what I am_

_And I don't wanna break the heart of any other man_

He looks to me,

_But you, but you_

_Hear my sinner's prayer_

_It's the only one I know_

_It sure as hell don't rhyme_

_But it's as good as, good as, good as, good as gold_

His leg bounces while he plays, and he seems entranced by the guitar as the song progresses.

_I can carry you, but not your ghosts_

_Wish I had the faith, but I don't know, oh_

_Hear my sinner's prayer_

_I am what I am_

_And I don't wanna break the heart of any other man_

_But you, but you_

Percy sings with full force and goosebumps climb up my neck. He’s gorgeous when he’s passionate.

He finishes the song and moves on to playing Thirteen. I love it when he plays songs like this, the strumming is complicated so he loves it, and his voice is close to angelic against the guitar. I didn't know he could play it.

_Won't you tell your dad, "get off my back"_

_Tell him what we said 'bout "Paint It Black"_

_Rock 'n Roll is here to stay_

_Come inside where it's okay_

_And I'll shake you_

Every time I hear this song, I think of the time he went off on a 30-minute-long rant about how this song is the definition of young love.

When I asked him how he knew about young love he said that “I don’t know if I have truly felt young love, but this song makes me think of a certain person. I’m sure you’ve felt this young love in the song too.”

_Won't you tell me what you're thinking of?_

_Would you be an outlaw for my love?_

_If it's so, well, let me know_

_If it's no, well, I can go_

_I won't make you_

And I must agree with him. I don’t know if it’s love, and I certainly don’t know if we still count as young at 20. I do know this song makes me think of Percy, and I have felt the young love in this song.

The song finishes and Percy looks up at me,

“Monty, come here for a moment.” He says patting the space next to him.

I go and sit next to him and he shoves the guitar into my lap.

“What do you want me to do?” I ask, I’m too tired to understand simple situations at the moment.

“I’m going to teach to play something.” He says reaching under the couch and pulling out a book of songs.

I stay silent and let him place my fingers across the strings and position my hand over the bass of the guitar.

“You know _Here Comes A Regular_?” He asks after positioning my hands

I nod, “Now you’ve got to push down on the strings otherwise the sound won’t change.” I turn my head to face him when he says that. The look in his eyes is so…happy. I guess there is no other term for that.

I press my fingers onto the strings Percy placed them on. Then he starts to move my right hand up and down, down and up, all in different ways.

He moves my left hand’s fingers to different places, which I surprisingly remember.

I start to get a feel for the strumming and Percy lets go of my hand. He starts singing the lyrics,

_Here comes a regular_

_Call out your name_

_Here comes a regular_

_Am I the only one here today?_

He lets go of my other hand and the smooth playing I was doing abruptly stops when I misplace one of my fingers, making a horrible sound.

Percy chuckles a little and a blush spread across my face. I silently hand him the guitar back and he takes it, walking into his room.

I lay back on the love seat and relax a bit more, I close my eyes and hear Percy shuffle back in.

He starts to play Marigolds on his violin. In the warmth of Percy’s shirt and the calm of Percy’s voice mixed with his violin. I fall asleep.

_I was the only one this century_

_To remind you all is fine_

_With every truth, there is a mystery_

_With a vision so divine_

_Wish that I had met you_

_When your heart was safe to hold_

_When you were simple and fancy_

_In that field of marigolds_

I wake up in Percy’s bed, the sun isn’t up yet, and he is clinging to me like a koala. His hand is on my chest and I wrap my free hand around it. He sleepily and not consciously squeezes mine. My hand wrapped around his back starts to run through hair.

I feel as though I have no control over my body, in the best way possible. I feel a twinge of happiness spread through me as I feel sleep starts to pull my eyes closed.

I want to stay like this, doused in dawn's dark light, Percy's hand on my chest, the world not yet awake to torment us...my brain not yet awake to torment me. I want to stay in this feeling with Percy for as long as our souls exist. I want to stay happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a sweet chapter, a calm before the storm sort of thing. I'll try to get chapter 7 out as fast as I can! Thank you so much for reading!! It makes me so happy to see people enjoy my writing!
> 
> Anyhow, here are the songs in this chapter-
> 
> Take Me to Church by Hozier
> 
> As It Was by Hozier
> 
> Boom Boom by John Lee Hooker
> 
> Mannish Boy by Muddy Waters
> 
> Tennessee Whiskey by Chris Stapleton
> 
> Sinner's Prayer by Lady Gaga
> 
> Thirteen by Big Star
> 
> Here Comes a Regular by The Replacements
> 
> Marigolds by Kishi Bashi
> 
> also if you would like to listen I've made a playlist for this fic [The 5 Reasons Playlist!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WRVCs5haW2yOmG2BKMmYv?si=PBuJy33oR5GIlbdUSQpjyA)  
> There are some extra songs on there and I will add to it as each chapter goes up! Once again thank you for reading!!


	7. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monty goes home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There is some violence and abuse in this chapter, as well as some drug use (only weed though)  
> The violent bit starts with: "I knock the heavy wooden door and await my father's voice"  
> and you're fine after "father leaves about 10 minutes later"  
> The drug use happens like a sentence later so if you would also like to also skip that, just don't pop back in until "I wake up and the playlist is still going."  
> Other than that enjoy this long chapter

I wake up officially a few hours later, Percy’s alarm blaring next to my ear on the table. His alarm is _Wake Up Sleepyheads_ , it being the alarm is starting to make me hate that song.

_I tried to tell her about dreams, but she_ _couldn't_ _understand_

_She talked about_ _Freud like he was an important_ _man_

_After all that trash, I knew she didn't have a chance_

_I say, "Wake up! Sleepyheads, wake-_

He leans over me to turn the alarm off and, in the process, lays his entire upper body across my chest. I laugh and to push him off, but he stays put and says,

“Christ, my bed is moving a lot.” He stops for a moment the looks at me, “Oh, hello darling, you’re so small I didn’t see you there.” He says, laughing.

For a moment, my brain is too focused on the fact _he_ called _me_ darling to pay attention that he insulted my height. Then I remember I’m me.

“I’m not small where it matters,” I say smirking.

“Monty, that was filthy.” He groans, dragging out my name to sound like it has seven more ‘y’s than it does.

I poke him in his ribs, which makes him move off me. I sit up as he falls to my side.

“Oh! Don’t talk to me about filthy! I’ve heard the stories tell!” I say loudly

Percy starts laughing, and I am too. I look over to him, and I love his laugh. His adorable laugh that sometimes turns silent smiles and gasps. The way his eyes shut because he’s laughing so hard.

“My stories aren’t that bad.” Percy manages to get out through laughs.

“Your stories should not be said within 50 kilometers of a church! It would kill the priest to hear such things; you’d be sent straight to hell!” I say loudly again, poking his ribs, making him laugh more.

“Hi-Highway to hell!” Percy sing-laughs loudly. His arms are now wrapped around.

“Exactly!! _I’m_ the one _you_ corrupted, remember?” I say back.

Suddenly, I’m pushed back down onto my back, keeping my hands placed beside my head.

“My point exactly,” I say, addressing the fact he is literally holding me down on the bed.

“Oh, shut up,” He says, smiling.

I look up at him, and we just look at each other in comfortable silence. Suddenly he leans forward and kisses me. It’s morning breath, scratchy stubble, and Percy smiling against my lips.

He pulls away; we’re so close I have to go cross-eyed to look at him.

Percy then releases my hands and puts his head in the crook of my neck. Essentially laying his entire body on top of mine.

“I wish we could stay like this forever.” He whispers softly into my neck.

I start to run my, now free, hand through his hair.

“I know, darling,” I say, kissing the top of his head, “sadly, we have things to do.”

Percy rolls off of me and stretches his arms over his head.

“Well, I have work,” he lets his arms fall and lets out a sigh, “what do you have to do?” He asks, looking towards me, taking the hair tie off his wrist and pulling his hair up.

I stay silent for a bit; I forgot I didn’t tell him. I could just not tell him and have him take me home anyway…as long as Father doesn’t want me to spend the night at home.

“Um, I have to go home, Fatherwantedmetocomehome,” I say very fast and mumbling. I’m hoping he’s not awake enough to care, but I’m me, so I’m wrong, and this is Percy, so he cares.

“Why would he want you to come home?” He asks, concerned, “You’re 20 now he shouldn’t be allowed to just call you home like a child.”

“Well, he can; I still live there, he can ask me to come home,” I say, sitting up reaching for my phone.

Percy really doesn’t understand the relationship I have with my family. I stay with my family because I’m scared of what will happen if I’m not living there as my father’s punching bag. I can’t just up and leave.

I turn on my phone and see the normal notifications and a text from Mum saying I need to be home before noon because Father has a conference or something.

I feel like a child; I have to convince my best friend? I’m not sure that’s the right title anymore. My Percy to drive me home before noon because my Father wants me home. It’s embarrassing.

Why must my Father ruin every good thing in my life?

“Perce, when do you have to head into work?” I ask, flipping through my Instagram feed, so I don’t have to look Percy in the eye when I ask.

“40 minutes,” Percy says with a yawn, “I can take you home in like 5 if you want me to.” He says, hopping out of bed.

I don’t want him to. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay and stare at this sleepy form of Percy, with marks intended in his arm from the sheets. The Percy I could kiss at any moment, and it would be somewhat acceptable. In the flat that feels more like home than the place, I grew up.

After some mindless chatter and me wrangling one of my shirts out of Percy’s hands. I managed to put together an outfit that wouldn’t make me look like the family disappointment for a moment.

The outfit is a pair of Percy’s old jeans before he had his growth spurt, so they fit pretty well on my short legs. Felicity once compared them to a corgi’s legs. Jokes on her; she has them too.

My shirt is just a plain green long-sleeved one I left here a while ago, along with my pair of beat up converse. I look completely plain again; it’s almost like I’m not me anymore.

Well, I look like me; I still have my smile, my hair, my dimples, my overall devilishly handsome look. I just look like Henry and not Monty.

We make it out to Percy’s car, and it’s freezing. It’s almost December, and I am perplexed about how it hasn’t snowed yet. I bundle my hands in the extra fabric of my sleeves and plunge them into the pockets of my jeans.

Percy’s car has heating, but he’s told me that you couldn’t use the heater immediately; otherwise, something goes wrong in the engine. So, essentially, we are sitting in a cold metal tin on cold felt seats at 8 in the morning on a Saturday when I could be in bed with Percy. At the very least in his flat.

We drive with the radio on the classic rock station. Percy has a thing for classic rock in the mornings; he pretty much refuses to listen to anything else. Right now, _The Chain_ is playing, and I’m staring out the window at the passing buildings.

Percy and I are silent. I don’t want to ask him if we are technically together now. I don’t want to ask because I’m almost 100% sure the answer is, “No, why would I want to be with a fuck up like you.”

Then I remember everything Percy said last night. I don’t really think that those things excuse me being a general fuck up in my life, but it helps calm my thoughts. Last night was a weird fever dream, I’m sure of it.

The kiss that will make it impossible for me to listen to _You Shook Me_ without blushing. The drive back full of _Hozier_ and me touching Percy’s callouses on his fingers. Percy playing guitar in the low yellow lamplight, and teaching me a song, and falling asleep to Percy playing the violin.

That cannot have been real.

We make our way out of the city, and I can see one of the houses on our estate from here. I’m suddenly hit with a wave of anxiety and want to drink.

The song has changed to _Wildflowers_. This was the first complicated song Percy ever learned. The first time he played it for me, we sat in Scipio’s flat where Percy was living, and he perfectly played the whole thing. He messed up on chord towards the end, but I didn’t notice until he pointed it out.

All I remember was how happy he looked while playing and how his cracking voice sang, which I found adorable. I also remember that Scipio has to fix my face because my father had split my lip bad enough that it didn’t stop bleeding for 2 hours.

_You belong among the wildflowers_

_You belong somewhere close to me_

_Far away from your trouble and worries_

_You belong somewhere you feel free._

I snap out of my thoughts when I realized the car has stopped. I’m home. I look at the house for a moment, then to Percy. He looks a bit worried. I’m not going to dwell on this; this day is already going to be bad enough. I don’t need to think about how I am making Percy upset.

I grab my wallet and phone and unbuckle my seat belt.

“Um, thanks for driving me; I know it was kind of out of your way,” I say, shoving my phone in my pocket; I’m still fiddling with my wallet while we speak.

“It’s really no problem, just-” He stops for a moment then turns fully towards me, “If-If and anything, like, really bad happens, please call me.”

“Perce, you know for a fact something bad will happen; this is my Father,” I say without thinking.

I’m very aware of Percy’s brow furrowing and the little twitch in his lip that I have upset him in some way. Yet, at this moment, I feel a little on edge, and he knows how my Father is and knows how our “talks” work.

He sighs. “I mean if something happens like-” He stops and starts biting his cheek, “Like when you came back from Eton, please call me.” He says quietly, even though we are the only ones in the car.

I remember that time fondly when I “came home.”

I would have gladly stayed with Percy and Scipio if the cops hadn’t found me. I was walking down the sidewalk with Percy by my side. This was the one day I left my hood off. We heard a police car going down the road then randomly speed up.

Percy told me to put my hood up, but it was too late.

The car caught up; I was pulled my arms and legs by a police officer into their car. I kicked and screamed, trying to cause a scene, and it worked. I caused enough of a scene that my Mum and Father that we're a few blocks behind heard me.

Well, my Mum heard me, Father followed.

Percy tried to get the policeman to stop, but all that happened was he got thrown to the ground, and I told him to run. The next thing I know, I’m in the back seat of a cop car being sped back to the estate.

When I arrived, my Mother drowned me in hugs and kisses to my cheeks. She didn’t let go of me until she was forced to do so. Feli seemed unphased, but she told me a couple of days later that if I ever scared her like that again, she’d use my body for science. I _think_ she missed me.

That night after I was sent to bed, I was lying awake under the covers in my pitch-black room.

I heard my door open, and I was terrified until Mum said my name and I raised my head. She down on the bed next to me, the hall light flooding my darkroom.

“Henry, I heard why you were kicked out of Eton.” She said softly.

I can still hear the headmasters voice to this day,

_“You are being expelled and removed from campus after a report of a constant stream of affairs with other students, and we will not stand for it.”_

Which was Eton’s funny way of saying, “This student named Richard Peele gave us a report that you were sleeping around with our _unbelievable_ amount of closeted gay/bi/questioning students, and we would like you to stop.”

I was expecting my mother to react with, “Is it really true, are you really attracted to men?! How could you be so disgusting!?!?” but instead, she said,

“I just wanted you to know I think it’s wrong they expelled you for that. The slacking off, failing half of your classes, hiding alcohol, playing pranks of teachers, and breaking 10 of your dormitory building’s windows, maybe. But not that.” I was close to tears when she said that. I didn’t respond, so she kept talking.

“And how is your friend? Um, sorry, what is their name, Perry?” She asked, placing her hand on my foot.

“His name is Percy,” I said quietly.

“Oh, like that book series your sister used to like!” She exclaims a tiny smile spread across my face when she mentioned that “Anyhow, is he alright, is he safe?” She asks, a bit more serious.

“Yes, why? Are his parents looking for him?” I ask quickly, sitting up.

“No, I am.”

Father was careful about not hitting me for about 4 days. He let my Mother calm down, and when she left on a trip to see her family with Felicity, he let loose on me.

I could open my left eye for two days, my ribs felt broken, and my chest hurt when I breathed.

One night I excused myself from dinner to go vomit into the sink, and I could hear my father chuckle in the next room, calling me a weak boy. I remember my only thought for once was not “I want Percy,” but “I want my Mum.” Which somehow made me feel exceptionally worse.

When my Mum and Felicity came back, my dad sent me to Percy’s so that my Mum didn’t have to see my wounds. I arrived and could barely stand. Percy, who was just starting to calm and get settled in at Scipio’s, had to deal with me almost fainting and sobbing into his shirt.

Probably why he wants me to call, so he doesn’t have to deal with that again.

“Alright, I’ll call if something happens,” I say, staring towards the house. I really can’t see much of it because of the large bushes outlining the yard.

“Oh, a couple more things, we have another gig tonight, just an impromptu one to see if we can gather a crowd on short notice, and um” He stops and grabs my wallet from my hands and put fifty quid in it before handing it back to me.

“Perce, I’m not sure what my Eton reputation may have told you, but I’m no escort.” I joke with a confused look, skeptically taking the wallet back.

Percy gives me a little laugh, “No, it’s the money for the bet we had about Johanna and Sim.” He says, turning his body back so that he’s completely facing forward.

I open my wallet because that was a very odd exchange, and see that he put a familiar photo in front of my ID, him and Me, after his first gig, taken by Jeanne.

“Sap,” I say, smiling and playfully shoving his shoulder.

“I just want you to stop going through my damn wallet,” He says, smiling.

We fall back into a suspenseful silence, I don’t understand why I can’t just get off the damn car and go, but it feels like I’m being held down to the seat.

“When’s the gig?” I ask, trying to fill the silence.

“Nine, so just be backstage around 8:30,” Percy says awkwardly, tapping his fingers on the wheel. At least I’m not alone in feeling out of place. “I promise I won’t beat the shit out of someone this time.” He says, smiling and turning his to me.

I laugh a little, “Damn, it was proper punk when you did. Peele deserved it anyway.”

Percy chuckles, “Yeah, you’re right; I think the guitar was a bit overkill, though.”

“No, no, no, all of that was completely justified, _especially_ the guitar,” I say, shoving Percy’s shoulder a bit. We laugh a little, but everything feels so tense. I know I would have had to come home anyway, even if Father hadn’t called me but, I just want to stay next to Percy and hold his hand and see his smile.

Despite all the frivolous items I own, I never get what I want.

“Alright, off with you, I need to get to work,” Percy says sweetly, patting my thigh. I really want to kiss him. I suppose I can.

Fuck it.

I lean over and touch my lips to his for a short moment.

“I’ll see you tonight,” I say against his lips before getting out of the car.

I start walking towards the house, I want to look back, but I _really_ want this cool moment, so I keep walking until I reach the front door.

As I open the door, I see Adrian, who must have been playing in the living room, run out wearing an old frog sweater, some cute blue jeans, and his ‘stompy boots.’ They are tiny pale green combat boots.

He runs like how all toddlers do, almost completely falling forward but somehow staying up. He makes it up to me with a big smile and his arms open. I hug him as I always do and hear someone coming down the stairs.

My Mum comes down, holding her overnight bag and Adrian’s small backpack on her back.

“Oh, hello, Henry!” She says, a little out of breath as she reaches the bottom of the stairs. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, but I was called down to London, and I have to leave.” She sounds sad, and a tad overwhelmed.

“Oh, but why are you bringing Adrian?” I ask, a bit disappointed and confused.

“Well, Felicity started her new nurse internship today and won’t be back till around 3 in the morning. Your Father is being called out of town for a conference later today, and as much as I would love to leave Adrian here, he always cries when Felicity or I am not here. So, I’m taking the little rascal with me.” She explains, reaching down to fix Adrian’s shirt.

I’m starting to become frightened. If Mum is gone, Felicity is gone, and Adrian isn’t walking around. Father has ample opportunity to beat the shit out of me with no consequence. Maybe if I play my cards right, he won’t give me but a slap.

“Mrs. Montague, the car has arrived and is ready to depart when you are,” Sinclair says as he walks over to take my mother’s luggage.

“Thank you, Sinclair, I’ll be out in a moment,” Mum says with a smile, she pats Adrian on the back, and he toddles his way behind Sinclair out the door.

My mother turns back to me with a sympathetic smile and a hand to her chest. It’s one of the things she started when I was young; she did it to show me her love without saying it; now she just holds it there whenever she speaks to me.

“I’m terribly sorry, Henry, really I am-” She stops and removes her hand from her chest and places it to my face, “What happened?” She asks, rubbing the bruise-

Oh shit, I didn’t cover up the bruise. How could I forget to cover up the bruise? I guess in my Percy filled haze, I had forgotten….damn him.

No matter. Definitely not the first time I will talk my way out of a mistake. It probably won’t be the last either.

“Oh, that,” I chuckle, “Just got some bumps and bruises from the gig, is all.” I smile and flash my dimples. As much as my mother loves me, I suspect that it isn’t working.

“Alright,” She says quietly with a quizzical look, lowering her hand. If I can find something, anything to divert her attention elsewhere, I’d be gold.

“Actually, there is one thing I’d like to ask of you,” I say, clasping my hands together and keeping my smile up.

“Yes, sweetheart?” She asks, placing her hand to her side.

“From now on, do you mind calling me Monty?” I ask, my voice getting a little higher, I know she won’t care, but out of habit, I become worried she will.

“Of course, I can,” she says with a smile, “Well, I must be off; I’ll see tomorrow, Monty.”

With that, my Mum is out the door, and I am left in a deathly silent house.

The familiar feeling of dread described in horror novels falls over me. I know my Father is home, lurking in his office, I know he’s here, but it sounds as if no one is.

I walk upstairs following my muscle memory of the silent floorboards making careful steps, past my father’s office door, and inside my room.

My room has become one of the only bearable places in this house. It has a light theme going throughout, modern edge furniture with vintage décor. I promptly fall on my bed with a large fluffy duvet upon it that almost engulfs me when I land.

The walls are all white, except for the one wall behind me that is a pale teal. I have some fake vines across the ceiling and led lights running along with the room's trim. They’re off at the moment, but usually, they wash the room in dull yellow light.

I pull out my phone, hold it above my face and start typing out posts on all my socials about The 5 reasons, first come, first serve gig. I flip through some posts and stories, seeing my friends have normal lives. Then I receive a text from my Father; even his texts are intimidating,

  * **8:56: Father- Henry, come to my office for our talk.**



I don’t even reply; I just stand up, fix my hair, and slowly walk towards his office. I reach the door and realize how close I am to crying…or maybe vomiting…or both, at this point.

I knock on the heavy dark wooden door and await my Father’s voice.

“Come in, Henry,” He loudly says from behind the door. I’m not sure if he’s really loud or if my ears automatically make his voice terrifying.

I open the door and step into the office. The office is warm at first glance, yet I have become increasingly upset with how “cozy” it is in here.

There is a large bookcase that touches the ceiling in between the two windows behind his desk. The windows currently have thick curtains drawn over them, blocking all-natural light out from the room. On the opposite side of the room is a large fireplace that currently has a fire in it, making the room uncomfortably warm.

The walls are a dark blood red with a dark oak trim that matches the floor. There is a large decadent rug that covers the floor from the fireplace to the desk in the middle of the room. The desk has to be the most terrifying, not because of the actual desk itself but for who sits behind it.

In the expensive leather office chair sits my Father. Stoic, intimidating, leaning back, reading some papers.

“Sit, Henry,” He commands without looking up from his papers.

I sit in one of the two chairs placed in front of the desk.

Father stands up, placing his papers on the desk in front of him.

“Would you care to explain to me why one of my biggest investors has stopped supporting my business?” He says, walking around the desk and standing in front of me. I’m looking forward, not in his eyes, just forward.

“Who were your biggest investors?” I ask, trying to keep my voice steady and failing.

He suddenly grabs my chin and yanks my face up to look into his eyes. His eyes are terrifying and pierce my soul with immediate fear.

“What was that?” He says loudly through clenched teeth. I seem to have already messed up, which makes me worried about how the rest of this conversation might go.

“S-Sir, who were the biggest investors, sir.” I correct myself as best I can.

He lets go of my face and leans back against the desk, crossing his arms.

“The Peele family.”

_Shit_. I stay silent.

“The Peele’s were my biggest investors. Yet last night, around 12:30 in the morning, I get a call from Mr. Peele as I am getting ready to sleep. Telling me their son,” He leans forward till he's in my face; I can smell the mint that is supposed to cover the whiskey on his breath.

“Came home with a broken nose,” He puts a finger to my nose, “A broken jaw” He roughly taps my jaw twice, “Two broken ribs,” He punches my ribs twice, not hard enough to bruise, just hard enough to where the air in my body leaves me. “And a concussion,” He hits the back of my head.

“Do you want to the worst part of all of this?” He asks lowly; his French accent is starting to appear, making his ‘t’s sound like ‘z’s.

I still stay silent; I’m trying so desperately not to fuck up any more than I already did. A slap rings across my face.

“Answer me, boy,” He hisses, a bit of spit landing on my face.

“What is the worst part, sir?”

“The worst part,” He says in a terrifyingly calm tone, “The worst part is that my son,” He’s loud now, “MY SON, WAS INVOLVED, MAKING ME THE BAD GUY, FOR EVER BRINGING HIM INTO THIS WORLD!” He yells two inches from my face.

I say nothing, only look down for a moment only for my Father to give an awful chuckle before snapping my head back up.

“Oh, don’t get shy now, Henry. You have the guts to wear such pansy clothes and decorate your room like a woman and embarrass me every day, yet you can’t look me in the eye?” He says, still chuckling.

I am still silent; I’m not entirely sure what I’m supposed to say.

“Now, You’re going to take over the family business once I’m gone, all the fortune, the estate, everything. Unless you keep this up, Henry.” He says, leaning back now.

“What if I don’t want to run the business, sir?” I ask quietly.

“Are you talking back to me, Henry?” He asks, low and quiet.

“No, sir, all I’m asking is what would happen if I didn’t take over the business. What if I moved out to live on my own, making my own money? What would happen?” I ask a little louder. I have no idea what possessed me to say all this, but there’s no backing out now.

“Well, I’d give control to Adrian, whom I would have to teach every lesson I’ve taught you. I’ll be able to keep my family under control without you keeping all my attention. Your sister has needed to be put in her place for years now.” He says with a disgusting smile. “So that’s what would happen, Henry. Do you still want to go?” He finishes his “speech” with a head tilt.

I cower. There’s nothing I can do. I can’t run. I can’t fight. I can’t speak. I think finally he’s won. He’s really won.

There’s a knock at the door and Sinclair’s voice,

“Sir Montague, are you ready to depart?” Sinclair asked in his unphased voice.

“Yes, Sinclair, I will be out in a moment. My luggage is on the master bedroom bed.” My Father loudly announces, still maintaining direct eye contact with me.

I hear Sinclair shuffle away down the hall. Father looks at me with the unreadable look I have yet to name. It’s a mix between judgment and disappointment. Maybe it’s just a look reserved for me.

“Henry, I need you to stop making a damn fool out of me. Stop running around like you’re a rebellious teen looking for attention; you did enough of that with Eton. I’m fair with my punishment and know there will be far more severe consequences if you were to run out on this family as you did then.” He says in a demanding tone, walking back behind his desk and placing a briefcase on top.

I’m not sure what to say; I’m not agreeing that I’m also trying not to scoff or chuckle at the “I’m fair with my punishment” comment. I believe I deserve a lot of the punishment, but it is most certainly not fair to Felicity, Adrian…or Mum.

Father looks up at me through his glasses as he places files and papers in the case.

“Stand up, Henry.” He demands a moment later, shutting his briefcase loudly. The locks click heavily together.

I stand up quickly and hand my hands together, similar to a young lady in a Jane Austen novel. Proper, pure, tortured into submission by one person or another, pretty.

My Father walks to stand in front of me and stares me directly in the eye, and with his free hand not holding his briefcase, he repeats the injuries of Richard Peele while demonstrating.

Two hits to the ribs, those will bruise. A hit to the jaw. He yanked me down almost half my height by my nose, then hit the back of my head with a backhand. I hit the ground with a thud.

“Get up, boy!” My Father yells, deeply shaking the floor.

I stumble to my feet and manage to stand up enough to look him in the eyes. I’m still hunched over a bit.

“Out!” He shouts again, and I’m gone.

Father leaves about 10 minutes later; I am in my room, laying on my bed with an ice pack on my ribs. I usually don’t know what to do after Father’s talks. I’d go to Percy’s, but he’s at work, Felicity is at her internship, Mom and Adrian are out in London. There’s not much for me to do…I have some weed in my dresser.

That’ll work.

I dig through my dresser drawer until I find the tiny plastic bag and some paper. I usually don’t smoke weed, mostly cause all it does is make me really tired and pass out after 5 minutes of self-pity, so usually, I drink instead.

However, I couldn’t give less of a shit if I pass out or not, so I set the alarm for 8 pm, roll a small joint, and set it ablaze. I sit on my bed, placing an old “decorative” ashtray off one of my shelves and place it next to me on the nightstand.

“Oi, Alexa!” I yell, turning on the tiny speaker in the corner of my room. “Play ‘high as fuck’ on Spotify.”

The little robot speaker listens and starts playing the first song. These are actually all songs Percy picked out one night when we got high together.

The high-pitched violin of _Body_ crowds my brain. Honestly, this song is ironic. I would pay good money for someone to take my body away from me. I’d have to keep the dimples though; they’re my favorite part.

_And take my hands, they'll understand_

_Take my heart, pull it apart_

_And take my brain, or what remains_

_And throw it all away_

_'Cause I've grown tired of this body_

_A cumbersome and heavy body_

I take a drag, and the familiar smoke fills my lungs. I hold it in for a moment before blowing it out in a ring; I learned how to do that one year at Eton with cigarettes.

The rings of smoke filter the stagnant, dusty air of my room. Dissipating after a moment and releasing into the air.

For a moment, I wonder if anything is really happening in my life. Everything feels muddled and wrong.

I have no idea what my relationship with Percy is, but I’m almost entirely sure he’ll pull away, realize what a mistake I am, just like everyone else. The people who say I’m not are delusional.

The song changes, and the harmonic hums of _when the party’s over,_ fills the room. I take a drag, and a small smile spreads across my face as smoke sits in my mouth, filling my senses. I let it filter out of my mouth on its own, watching dance and swirl through the air, the sun filtering through my window, highlighting how it moves.

_Don't you know too much already?_

_I'll only hurt you if you let me_

_Call me friend, but keep me closer_

_(Call me back)_

_And I'll call you when the party's over_

I can already feel the sleep pulling at my eyes as the pain recedes from my torso. As if the smoke wrapped itself around my ribs and created and barrier from the bruised muscle, then covered my brain in a blanket of denial.

I press out the joint before the fire can touch my fingers; I suddenly feel like I want to run, scream, cry, and laugh all at once.

I want something; I’m not sure what. I know the world doesn’t want me, so I have to want it, don’t I?

I have to figure out what I want, so that I can live, but all that’s going to happen is I’m going to want something I can’t have. Like Percy, or a father that loves me, a sister and brother that are safe, a life where I’m not a complete disappointment to myself and others….I really want Percy here so I can hold him, and he can hold me.

I want things too much.

I grab my pillow beneath my head and turn it, so it’s vertical. I pretend just for a moment that it's Percy, his chest, his bed, his flat, home.

Tears start to form in my eyes and stream slowly down my cheeks. I’m pathetic.

My teary eyes flutter shut, and I slip into sleep.

_Quiet when I'm coming home_

_And I'm on my own_

I wake up to the playlist still going. It’s one of the farther songs, though, _Feelin Good_ by _The Growlers_ , I believe. I’m not sure; it’s just noise at the moment.

I’m on my stomach, my face pressed into my pillow, and I mindlessly slam my hand down in the general direction of where I left my phone, trying to see what time it is. 1:45…damn.

I thought maybe I could sleep all the way until 8.

_Just 'cause it feels good_

_Doesn't mean it's right_

_I know it sounds like it should_

_But that just isn't life_

_Life has consequences_

_For all our actions_

_No one should suffer_

_Just for your satisfaction_

It feels like the playlist is sentient being sent to annoy me; I roll my eyes as if I can annoy it back.

All this song is reminding me of is how I can’t fucking leave. Especially not now, my father told me he’d hurt my family if I left. If I left, I’d be happy, but they would suffer, guess I wouldn’t be thrilled then.

“Alexa! Fucking stop!” I shout, the music stops, and the tidal wave of silence crashes over me.

The pure nothing around me, the nonexistent sounds around me except for the very dull hum of the heating and the occasional breeze that shakes the leaves off the dying trees outside.

I sit up and am immediately reminded of this morning’s events. My face hurts, and there is a jolt of pain in my torso, but I can sit up straight.

I stand, stretch, attempting to stretch the pain out to no avail. I go to open my window. It smells like stale smoke and shame in here.

I open the window and am hit with a blast of frigid air, which immediately wakes me. I see the small forest that outlines our property and the white cloudy sky above it. Fitting.

I throw the ash from the tray out the window, most landing in the grass, but some landed on the bushes.

There isn’t much for me to do at home. I’m not running away from anyone; I've explored the property too much. I only have music and maybe posting some more about the gig.

I decide to leave my window open, grab some clothes from my dresser, and attempt to look presentable.

As I walk into my bathroom, I flip open my phone and check the audio I recorded of Percy playing last night. Usually, it helps me to hear his voice, even if he’s not really here.

I look at the recording and skip towards the very end, I know he was playing violin last night, and I’d like to hear it fully.

The song starts and plays; I wash my face and hands. I rub some Tiger Balm on my ribs, the familiar cold hitting my skin; I take some pain medicine and start to brush the weed taste out of my mouth.

The song stops, and I look to my phone to see if I hit something, but it’s still playing, to my surprise.

I hear a movement, then Percy’s chuckle; he found out, I assume was filming cause his voice is much closer to the mic.

“Alright, Monty, if you’re listening to this, I want you to know you are adorable sleeping. Almost as adorable as you are awake. Your eyes crinkle every once in a while, and your mouth is always slightly open. Right now, you have a faint smile on your lips,” My heart feels full, and my face is flushed; I never knew he looked at me that way,

There’s a sigh, “I just want you to know that I-”

Then the recording is over.

“WHAT?! YOU WHAT?!” I yell audibly, dropping my toothbrush into the sink.

“Damn phone, you die at the worst moments,” I mumble; I start running over the very end of the audio to see if I can hear a syllable or sound that indicates what he was going to say.

I can’t hear anything; it’s just ‘I’ repeatedly.

I won’t be like this in the morning? I want to remain friends, but this was all a joke? I never want to see you after the gig tomorrow?

….Why can’t I think of any good things? He was just complimenting me; it was most likely “I want you to know you’re adorable or something of that nature.

I make the executive decision to just move on before I have a breakdown over this.

I go to Spotify and go to one of the playlists Percy made for me called “Good Morning Mess.”

The first song is _Sunday Morning_ , which I skip because every one of Percy’s morning playlists has _Sunday Morning_. The next song is _Edge of Seventeen._

I hop into the shower as it plays, filling the room with poetry and guitar.

_The clouds never expect it_

_When it rains_

_But the sea changes colors_

_But the sea_

_Does not change_

I’m not as into music as Percy is; I love it, but anytime we listen to music, Percy finds about twenty different meanings behind each chord and word. I’ve never been able to do that with songs, but Stevie Nicks’ songs make me think I can.

_So with the slow, graceful flow_

_Of age_

_I went forth with an age-old_

_Desire to please_

_On the edge of seventeen_

Those lines hit me a lot harder when I first heard them. I was quite literally on the edge of 17, and all I had was a desire to please everyone around me.

The chorus comes, and I start to sing as loud as I can,

_Just like the white-winged dove_

_Sings a song_

_Sounds like she's singing_

_Ooh baby, ooh, said ooh._

As the song eventually wraps up and changes, I hop out of the shower. The next song is _Where Is My Mind?_ Another song Percy showed me when I was a ball of repressed emotions that would cry at any slight touch.

_With your feet in the air and your head on the ground_

_Try this trick and spin it, yeah_

_Your head will collapse, and there's nothing in it_

_And you'll ask yourself_

_Where is my mind_

I slip on my clothes, and because I want to feel somewhat good today, I put on my jeans that have huge holes in the knees, so my fishnets are visible, and a long-sleeved black jumper with small white dots on it.

As I’m fixing my hair, I hear my bedroom door open; I look over to see Percy standing with his arms crossed and smiling.

I’m immediately overtaken by joy; it’s like Percy just injects me with it by just looking at me.

“Hello there,” I say, turning my music down and looking at him.

We seem to move at the same time because we meet with a hug in the doorway. Well, less of a hug and more me hanging off Percy and him just holding me up.

My legs are wrapped around his middle and my arms around his neck. I clutch his shirt between my fingers and breathe him in as if Percy is the only thing I can breathe.

“I thought you had work,” I say into him next to his ear.

“I did, but Scipio is still pretty pissed at me, so Ebrahim took the rest of my shift,” Percy says back, his arms holding me tightly to him.

I pull back away from his neck to look directly at his face.

“Ebrahim’s back?” I ask excitedly. I’ve always loved Ebrahim, and I know Georgie’s been kind of off since he left on his road trip. He wanted to run and be free for a bit, which I completely understand, but he left in February, and no one but Georgie could contact him for the past two months because of phone plans or something.

“He is, he’s going to surprise Georgie after the gig tonight, then we’re going to eat somewhere, and he’s going to give us all the random shit he picked up for us,” Percy tells me with a smile; I know Percy missed him too.

Percy lets me down, and we walk out into my room. I flop down on my now messed up bed, and Percy follows.

“So, what did your dad want?” Percy asks, putting his hands behind his head.

I don’t really want to tell him about the threats to hurt my family or the fact I’m never allowed to leave. All it would do would depress him and make him feel sorry for me. There’s no point in telling him if he can’t help.

“Oh, apparently Peele went home with various injuries, and his parents stopped supporting Father’s business because I’m his son. So father demonstrated the injuries on me, told me I was an embarrassment then left for some conference or something,” I say nonchalantly.

Percy sighs, “Christ, Monty, I’m so sorry, I didn’t know that would happen.”

“Perce, it’s not your fault, Peele deserved it, and my Father is just an asshole,” I say, turning my face to his.

He looks guilty, and I hate it.

I lean over the side of my bed closest to me and pull my laptop out from under my bed. I open it, pull up Netflix, and place it on Percy’s thighs.

“Let’s just forget about it for a while,” I say, placing my head on his chest as he scrolls through some movies and shows.

His arm wraps around me as _The Breakfast Club_ plays; he’s been in love with this movie since it’s been put on here.

As the movie plays and my head lays on his chest, his hand brushing through my hair, I realize that I will be okay, no matter where I am.

As long as Percy is with me, I’m home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for not updating for more than a week, I honestly don't know what happened but I hope you enjoyed the chapter!!  
> Remember you can listen to the [The 5 Reasons Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WRVCs5haW2yOmG2BKMmYv?si=m7Qh8bDVQL66olMYavURcQ) anytime you'd like, I'll update it with each chapter.  
> Here are all the songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> Wake Up Sleepyheads by The Modern Lovers
> 
> The Chain by Fleetwood Mac
> 
> Wildflowers by Tom Petty
> 
> Body by Mother Mother
> 
> when the party's over by Billie Eilish
> 
> Feelin' Good by The Growlers
> 
> Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks
> 
> Where Is My Mind? by The Pixies
> 
> Hozier was also mentioned and so was the movie The Breakfast Club (sadly not on Netflix anymore)
> 
> Thank you all for your patience with this fic and I love all the comments and love on the fic!!


	8. The 2nd Gig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: Alchohol use and mentions of vomitting  
> The second gig babyyyyyy

Percy and I spend most of the day watching films and cuddling. We finished _Breakfast Club_ , made popcorn turned on _Rocketman_ (my favorite), then _Almost Famous_ (Percy’s favorite), then we watched a bit of _Over The Garden Wall_ to pass the time. I slowly watched the grey sky turn a light peach orange and the colors become progressively darker through the windows.

About halfway through an episode of _Over The Garden Wall_ , Percy gets a call from Scipio saying that we should come in now to help set up, apparently, he’s down some staff members.

I grab an outfit to wear to the gig and stuff it in one of my backpacks while Percy goes to fix his hair. I’m trying to find something warm but just the right amount of skin that makes Percy all flustered.

Because I’m already wearing fishnets under my black jeans, I decide to pack my my black Mother Mother shirt, and my platform Doc Martens, and switch into that before the gig.

Percy walks out his hair tied back in bun but there are a few small curls that fall in front of his face. He gives me a smile and holds out his hand. It feels like a choice, walk alone or walk with Percy. Be alone at home with alcohol and weed or Be with Percy and my friends, a surprisingly hard decision.

I take his hand anyway.

We walk out into my front door, grabbing my keys on the way out. The cold wind is quick to weave throughout every hole in my outfit. Immediately causing my body to shiver, and Percy slides his arm across my shoulders.

We walk to the small side house we turned into a garage and hop into my car. My car, contrary to Felicity’s opinion, is in peak condition. The outside is polished and only has one tiny dent in one of the hubcaps. The inside is perfect the white leather is unscratched, my mirrors are clean, my radio works, my ac and heating work. The only difference between mine and Felicity’s car is that mine is _fun_.

I have tiny little things on my dashboard and fuzzy dice the color of the bi flag hanging off my rearview mirror. Percy dyed them himself and I haven’t moved them since the day he gave them to me.

I start the car adjusting everything back down to where I can see through all the mirrors. Percy starts fiddling with the radio trying to find the rock or punk station before we finally land on _The Cramps_

_I'm a human fly_

_And I don't know why_

_I got 96 tears and 96 eyes_

Percy starts singing along trying to match Lux Interior’s unique voice. Which completely adorable, so I join in as well as we start driving.

_I got a garbage brain_

_That's driving me insane_

_And I don't like the ride_

_So push that pest aside_

I look to Percy whose hands are mindlessly switching over chord patterns as the song plays. I quite enjoy _The Cramps_ , they have a different sound than most punk bands, they’re weird and a little crazy at times and I quite enjoy trying to mimic the lead singer. Especially on _Domino_.

As the radio goes through its commercials Percy says, “You wanna know what would be really cool?”

“Hm?” I hum in response

“If you kissed me while I was on stage in and you were in the audience,” He says looking at me with a smirk.

“Now, how would I do that, darling?” I say tapping my fingers on the steering wheel.

“You could lean over the barricade and I could lean over the stage and we meet in the middle,” He says clapping his hands together at ‘meet in the middle’.

“And would you be playing guitar while doing this?” I ask raising my eyebrows.

“That’d be pretty fucking cool if I did,” He says chuckling, “Just if I wink at you, hop up on the barricade and we’ll do it, as long as you want to obviously,” He adds that last bit on quickly.

I will admit I’m not huge on PDA, I feel a little vulnerable. Granted never been in a relationship longer than a week so what do I know.

“That could be fun,” I say smiling.

The radio guy comes back says the next song is his favorite, _Everbody’s Happy Nowadays_. Even with Percy constantly shoving songs down my throat, haven’t heard this song before.

_I was so tired of being upset_

_Always wanting something I never could get_

_Life's an illusion, love is a dream_

_But I don't know what it is_

_Everybody's happy nowadays_

Ah, I see why now; music is out to torment me with songs that are catchy and hit the heart of my problems. The song continues as pass make it into town and right as I am parking the song repeats,

_Life's an illusion, love is a dream_

_Life's an illusion, love is the dream_

_Life's the illusion, love is a dream_

_Life's the illusion, love is the dream_

Alright! Alright, Universe! I get it! Life is fake and love isn't real! Thanks for the reminder!

I turn off the car and step out Percy following quickly behind me. We walk through the back of the Eleftheria to find Ebrahim cleaning the backstage.

“Hey!” I say catching his attention, “Where the hell have you been?” I say with a smile.

Ebrahim walks toward me and crosses his arms. He looks different, he looks happy. Not much about his appearance has hanged but his eyes look wider, he has smile lines now.

“Wow, look at you,” He says gesturing with his hands, “You shrunk,” He shoves my shoulder a little smiling, “I swear to god you were taller when I left.”

“Really? Just right off the bat with the short jokes?” I ask chuckling slightly.

“Ah, come here,” He says opening his arms a bit and pulling me into a hug. It’s like I’m hugging my big brother, including him ruffling my hair and laughing.

It’s funny when I first met Ebrahim was when he came over to Scip’s flat as we were moving Percy in, he thought we were breaking in so he grabbed our collars and walked us down the hall Ebrahim is a year older than us and was 6’3 then and he was only 17, dragging two small 16-year-old boys like they were ragdolls into Scipio’s office.

“I caught these two shits trying to steal from those boxes in the living room. You need to keep that door locked.” He said throwing us forward a bit.

Scipio crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.

“Ebrahim, I would like you to meet the two boys I was tellin' you about. They’re movin’ in.”

Ebrahim looked completely embarrassed.

“This one’s Percy,” Scipio said gesturing to Percy who just smiled and gave a nod, “And the little one’s Monty.”

I turned, smiled wide, held my hand out, and said “Charmed.”

Little did we know that would start a lovely friendship. Where he insults my height, and I insult his inability to come up with anything else.

“Did you find any new jokes on your travels?” I asked attempting to fix my hair.

“No luck pipsqueak,” He says crossing his arms and chuckling.

“Georgie’s going to flip when he sees you,” Percy says walking over to the table to put his stuff down.

“I know, Scip put me on barricade tonight so I might manage to make him have a minor heart attack on stage,” Says Ebrahim,

“Pretty punk if you ask me,” Percy responds walking back over to me.

We share a laugh and Scipio barges in saying the rush is coming in and he needs help.

Percy gets to work setting up the stage, Scip is waiting tables, and Ebrahim and I work the bar.

While I think no one is looking I pour myself a shot of vodka, my Advil wore off, my hands are shaking, and I just…really need a drink.

As the alcohol stings my insides and settles in my stomach. Ebrahim who I didn’t see next to me, says

“Didn’t get the drinking under control, did you?”

I pull out my wallet take out 3 pounds and hand them to Ebrahim and pour another shot.

“Fuck off,” I say throwing the next drink back before getting back to refilling drinks and various snacks for the patrons. Ebrahim looks a little disappointed but we had this conversation before he left, he doesn’t need a 2.0 version of it.

_“Monty, I just want you to try to get it under control.”_

_“It’s not that easy, it’s not like I can just stop.”_

_“I know that I just want you to live long enough that you’re here when I come back.”_

_“It’s only one summer…”_

_“I know.”_

Around 8:30, Percy is sent backstage to get ready and the concert-goers start to filter in. Punks of all shapes and sizes, a sea of colored hair, smeared makeup, and ripped clothes. It’s beautiful in its own little way.

“Cover for me,” I tell Ebrahim.

Before he can answer I’m already running backstage and shutting the door behind me.

After shutting the door I look up and see Percy sitting on the table in a new outfit and his makeup done. He’s wearing a Ramones shirt, but he’s cut it in half so it’s a crop top now. Georgie is standing and, on his phone, Johanna is stood next to Sim, who has a towel placed over her hijab.

“Oh sweet! You’re here, so I got a new hijab, and look,” Sim says excitedly pulling the towel off, revealing her new hijab.

The small room fills with ‘woah’s and ‘holy shit’s. The hijab is badass. It’s bright red and fades into black and looks so fucking punk.

“That’s not all, Monty, turn off the light,” Sim says pointing at me.

I reach beside me and hit the switch, and even though the room has the light from under the doors flooding the room, the hijab is glowing. It’s the same color as the anarchy symbol on Percy’s gig jeans and glows just like his.

The room once again fills with shocked and amazed reactions from all of us gawking over the glowing fabric like moths to a punk lamp.

Johanna walks over and turns the light back on, “Isn’t it great, I made it myself,”

“You made it?!” Georgie exclaims wide-eyed.

“Of course, you know anyone else could make something that badass?” Johanna says crossing her arms, she’s dressed in pastel peach and yellow and stood next to Sim who is in blacks and reds it’s an adorable contrast.

Behind me the door slams open, making me flinch and yelp and Scipio pushes his way in for one moment.

He points directly at me, “You boy, come with me,” He says already closing the door. I grab my bag off the table that’s next to Percy, he gives me a soft smile causing a blush to spread across my face before I quickly leave the room.

Scipio is stood by the door looking stressed out and a tiny bit annoyed with me. I honestly don’t have the time or patience for him to lecture me so if he’s going to I might just walk into the bathroom, change and wait for the show to start.

“Alright, so when I put you on bar duty, even if you aren’t technically on the schedule, you stay where I put ya, understand?” Scipio says and before I can answer or roll my eyes Scipio continues, "I know you like hanging out with your friends but you still work here, and if you want to keep your job you need to stop leavin' of your own volition."

"I was just wishing them luck before the show, this isn't a big deal," I say walking towards the bathroom. Scipio puts a hand to my chest stopping me from walking any farther.

"Monty, I'm not trying to be harsh but you can't do that anymore, we got behind on orders in minutes, can you just promise that you'll stop doing that?" He seems sincere and I just nod

“And, are you gonna be in the crowd tonight because the barricade is about to open, and you should probably be ready to take your spot.”

I nod again and pull out my 15 quid and hand it to him to pay for my ticket and walk into the bathroom to change.

The bathroom at the Eleftheria has the look of CBGB’s bathroom except it is much cleaner. The walls are spray painted and drawn on by random customers, I’ve even written some stuff, it’s very close to the floor so no one can see but I wrote Percy’s name with hearts around it when I was 17 and haven’t had the guts to cover it up.

I change quickly into my shirt and slip on my platforms, touching up my foundation over my bruises, and quickly run out of the bathroom. I quickly drop my bag backstage. in the split second I'm back there, I see Percy is tuning his guitar with one leg propped up on a chair, Georgie is spinning his drumsticks in both hands and slightly pacing and Sim is drinking (what I assume is) tea out of a thermos.

I’ve never seen them this close to a show starting. They look so focused, yet full of nerves. Even though I know them off stage, on stage they seem so untouchable, I just assumed they were completely confident in themselves.

I don’t stare very long only long enough to place my bag inside backstage then I run and hop over the barricade and land next to Johanna who is talking to Ebrahim guarding the barricade in front of us.

“You’re telling me the petrol station ran out of petrol?” Johanna asks tilting her head,

“Yes! I got there tried to fill up my tank and they said they ran out but right as I left another guy came by and was able to fill up his,” Ebrahim responds his arms crossed.

“That’s bullshit,” I chime placing my feet on the bottom bar of the barricade. I’m stood on Ebrahim’s left and Johanna on his right, we look like a devil and angel talking to him.

I hear the other barricades open and the sound of people flooding into the pit behind us.

“I know!” Ebrahim shouts,

“So what did you do?” Johanna asks

“I came back later that night and graffitied the store, it’s the only form of punishment,” Ebrahim says looking over to Johanna

“Was it permanent?” I ask,

“Oh of course,” Ebrahim smiles, looking at me.

Some mindless conversation passes between the three of us, becoming increasingly harder as people keep bumping into Johanna and me.

Before we know it the lights in the bar fade out to black and the stage lights come on. Before they start playing anything, I see Georgie look forward towards Ebrahim with a shocked expression before a grin spreads across his face.

The whole building erupts in cheers and shouts as they start playing _Obligation,_ which is one of their faster songs for sure, the chorus splits up the words like in _My Generation_ and is one of my favorites. 

_You are not my ob-li-gation!_

_You lead me to my des-ti-nation!_

_And I left my name a dec-i-mation!_

_You are not my ob-lilgation!!_

Percy told me one night the song isn’t actually about _anything_ , but people love to read into it because it has ‘obligation’ in it.

As he plays I keep my eyes on his face, waiting for a wink. Part of me thinks he changed his mind.

They finish up a couple of other songs ( _Dent My Case_ and _Glowing Heart_ ) before playing one I’ve heard before, Sim said it’s called _Smashed_. The song follows the sound of the cheer at sports games “Be aggressive, got to be aggressive” then follows its own tune in the chorus.

_Smash the glass_

_Smash Smash the glass_

_Let’s make this fast_

_Make Make this fast_

_I’ll turn this place to ash_

_Turn this place to ash_

Percy slides his fingers down the fretboard to make the chord quickly change as the song switches to the chorus.

_So I can goooo home_

_I want I want I wanna_

_Gooooo home_

_I want I want I wanna_

_Gooooo home_

_I wanna go home with you_

The music becomes faster with more bass drum,

_Clash clash_

_Clash Clash and thrash_

_Make a dash_

_Make make a dash_

_Then we can make a splash_

_Make make a splash_

The music cuts for a second before they jump back into it (literally for Percy),

_Cause I wanna goooo home_

_I want I want I wanna_

_Gooooo home_

_I want I want I wanna_

_Gooooo home_

_I wanna go home with you_

Percy has a solo as Georgie keeps a beat behind him,

_Oh I wanna goooo home_

_I want I want I wanna_

_Gooooo home_

_I want I want I wanna_

_Gooooo home_

_I wanna go home with you_

_GO HOME WITH YOU_

The song ends with a yell from Sim, Percy letting the note fade off slowly and Georgie hitting the cymbals. The entire building erupts in yells and shouts as they continue.

They begin their show-off song which is _Black Dog_ except they made it sound a bit more punk (heavier guitar and more yelling lyrics instead of Led Zepplin's bluesy rock sound) Percy and Georgie are heavily playing in this song and it’s fucking awesome. Sim and Percy end up switching whose singing and Percy sings a good bit of the song,

_I gotta roll I can't stand still_

_Got a flamin' heart can't get my fill_

_With eyes that shine, burnin' red_

_Dreams of you all through my head_

As Percy starts playing the guitar solo, Percy looks to me, he has sweat running down his face and there are considerably more curls on his face. He smiles and winks his right eye at me.

The whole world seems to slow, everyone stopped mid-air as Percy leans forward and I lean over the barricade our lips meet. My arms are holding me up above the barricade while Percy’s hands are still on the guitar. He tastes like salt from the sweat, but his lips are beautifully soft.

I swear I can feel the electricity that flows through his veins, the pure energy that exists in Percy. The music is gone, the shouts are gone, the chaos is gone, for just a moment. All I can hear is my heartbeat.

The world starts to catch up to me as Percy removes his lip with a smile. The kiss is relatively fast because I can’t hold myself up very long. It takes me a moment to realize that people are cheering and whistling as the song resumes.

_Didn't take too long 'fore I found out_

_What people mean by down and out_

I’m not sure why but I feel sick to my stomach. What if someone who knows Father saw? What if someone knows about Percy and me now? No, scratch that, _everyone_ knows now. Everyone knows. Father said to stop making a fool of him it and now everyone knows. 

_I’m fucked._

I stick it out the rest of the song before I leave my spot to go and get a drink.

_Why did I not think about how my father could find out? Why?_

Mostly everyone is in the pit, and only a few groups sat at the window tables, there’s pretty much no one at the bar, except for Scipio who is cleaning glasses.

I pull out 5 quid from my pocket and hand it to him.

“Whiskey, straight,” I say pulling myself up onto one of the empty barstools.

Scipio looks suspicious and hands me the money back. Oh, fuck this.

“Scipio for the love of God, I am giving you money, I am of legal drinking age, I’m tired and want my fucking drink,” I say lowly but loud enough for him to hear over the music. I push the money back towards him, “Now.”

“Monty, don’t want to encourage your drinkin',” He says going back to cleaning.

“I’m not asking for the fucking bottle, I’m asking for a glass.”

“I’d be perpetuatin’ this problem of yours,” Scipio says shaking his head.

“ _You_ aren’t perpetuating anything, _I am_ ,” I say persistently. I’m getting my damn drink.

Scipio slams his dishrag down hard before leaning in close to me, “Listen, boy, that shows about to be over, they’re playing a small set, I’m not giving you any so take back your money and go backstage and wait to leave,” he says lowly pushing my money to my chest, “Now.”

As I get up I hear him mumble "These damn kids."

I push through the crowd and make to backstage, I can hear Percy playing _Blank Generation_.

I grab my backpack off the table and sit down on the ratty couch that’s been here since I was 16. At the very bottom of my backpack is a flask filled to the brim with the expensive vodka I found in our basement.

I manage to find the flask and start to chug as much as I can as I hear Sim’s voice echo through the room,

_To hold the T.V. to my lips, the air so packed with cash_

_Then carry it up flights of stairs and drop it in the vacant lot_

_To lose my train of thought and fall into your arms' tracks_

_And watch beneath the eyelids every passing dot_

The vodka burns such a familiar burn it reminds me of home. Burning stomachs, burning tears, burning bruises, my childhood seems to be solid memories of burning.

Once there is nothing left in the flask, hop on my phone. The first thing I see is a text of the picture of Percy and I kissing. Johanna sent it to me with three heart emojis, after that are a couple of texts asking where I am. I don’t answer.

It’s not like I am upset Percy kissed me or Percy wants to be with me but I honestly don’t like that people know now, I don’t like that this, thing with Percy is known to the town, known to our friends, and could easily be found out by my father.

I love Percy, but I don’t love everyone else, and I’m not sure if I really want everyone else to know.

The gig finishes and the band filters backstage. Sim comes off first with a super wide grin before walking over to shake my shoulder,

“You never told me you and Percy are a thing,” She says laughing a small bit,

I just laugh a little and don’t answer, I’m not sure if Percy and I are a thing. Maybe we’re a fling, the last thing Percy does before he wakes up and leaves this shit hole.

Sim walks over to her bag satisfied with my non-answer, answer. Ebrahim and Johanna come backstage next right as Percy comes back the fiery grin on his face extinguishing as he sees me. Ouch.

Last to come backstage is Georgie who runs off stage extraordinarily fast, sees Ebrahim, and jumps at him wrapping him in a hug. I smile because that’s adorable.

Georgie and Ebrahim have been friends since before we met them. There’s about a 4-year age difference between them, and they’ve always looked out for each other. I know it crushed Georgie when Ebrahim left for the year but I’m going to be honest, to see the two of them this happy, I think it’s worth it.

Us non-band members are ushered out of the room so those three can change before we head out to dinner, the only place open at the moment is a mom and pop restaurant a couple of blocks from here.

I’m stuck in between two people bombarding me with,

_“When did you get together?”_

_“When did you know you liked him?”_

_“When did you first kiss?”_

_“How long has this been going on?”_

Unfortunately, all I can think is _"Shut up Shut up. SHUT THE FUCK UP."_ I don't even know if I'll be alive after my father finds out about this unlabeled rendezvous with Percy. Let alone what label to put on it.

I manage to evacuate out of the conversation by Felicity calling in to check on me. Apparently, she is on her one of two very short breaks of the night, she said she’s having fun so it can’t be that horrible.

By the time Feli is done talking my ear off everyone is ready to go. I’m having too much luck with avoidance and it’s becoming concerning.

We walk out and it quickly becomes clear that my outfit is not made for the cold. I’m walking sided by side with Percy and shivering.

Percy must notice because he takes off his jacket and wraps it around me. I slip my arms into the sleeves and I am immediately covered in warmth. It smells like Percy, leather, and paint, and it’s _so_ warm.

Our hands brush against each other as we walk, and Percy slips his hand into mine. Smooth.

“So are you going to tell me why you freaked out back there?” Percy asks quietly.

I stare ahead the cold immediately making my nose cold, I hear the distant laughs of our friends, Georgie and Ebrahim pushing and shoving each other, Johanna has her arm around Sim’s waist. I know they don’t care about me and Percy, but I care. This was secret, this was safe, this unknown weird relationship we have going one was _ours_ , but now everyone knows. If even the slightest rumor reaches my father, I'm done for.

“It’s a long story,” I say staring down at my feet as we walk.

“I’ve got time,” Percy says looking at me.

“Not really,” I say as we come up to the restaurant door.

We find an empty booth in the corner of the restaurant, we all pile in and settle and after the waitress takes our orders Ebrahim pulls out the stuff he bought us. He said that he was only able to make it through Scotland because he wanted it to be completely on the road, not the water.

“Alright, Monty first,” Ebrahim pulls out a tiny box filled with little things he’s picked up. There’s a small hand-carved statue of a pirate ship, a metal locket with a thistle etched into it and a deck of cards that have Gaelic symbols there is also a pressed flower in a frame in a matte black frame that is labeled “Lily of the Valley (Monty)”

As we go around the table looking at gifts, turns out everyone got a pressed flower. Ebrahim said he found them on his hikes and pressed them when he arrived back in his car. Johanna’s is a cheddar pink, Sim’s is a dark purple pasque flower, Georgie’s is a slightly pink daisy, and Percy’s is a Foxglove. They’re undeniably beautiful, and I can’t help but see that Percy’s flower and mine look nice next to each other.

The vodka I drank earlier is started to kick in now, I get that fuzzy warm feeling, that’s accompanied by that empty pit in my stomach wanting more, wanting to keep the fuzzy feeling.

Once our orders arrive, I sneak sips of Percy’s beer throughout the meal, no one seems to notice, I’m sure Percy does but he hasn’t said anything.

We eat our fresh made chips and hear amusing tales of travel from Ebrahim, mostly stories of the people he met. Such as a woman who thought she was a bear, a man who completely cheated him out of petrol (which Johanna and I heard earlier), he met someone who ran the store he was stood in since 1931, he said even saw a Scottish punk band in a bar.

While we hang out Johanna and Sim leave first, then Ebrahim and Georgie, so it’s me and Percy in a booth drinking beer. After Ebrahim left I managed to drink about 5 beers and the empty pit in my stomach feels somewhat full.

“Perce, my darling boy,” I slur out gesturing with my beer, “You are a masterpiece, I just wanted you to know *hiccup*” I manage to slur out, "How amazing you are."

Percy who is only on his third beer just chuckles at me being a drunken dumbass, before standing to pay for our meals and drinks. I watch how his body moves as he walks, it’s gorgeous really. Just the simple move in his hips, the way he always keeps his thumbs in his pockets, the way he exists is gorgeous.

After he pays I stumbly follow him out of the restaurant giggling and holding onto his arm. We start to head right which is not the way we came.

“Perce, the bar’s back that way,” I slur

“I know we’re heading back to my place,” he replies simply.

We walk in a comfortable silence every so often one of us makes a shitty joke and we giggle, Out of nowhere “Can you tell me why you freaked out now?”

We're right in front of Percy's building. I tense and stop moving, halting us to the pavement.

“Um, no,” I respond

“Ok, why not?” Percy asks crossing his arms, he must be cold, so I hand him his jacket back, he takes it reluctantly.

“Because,”

Because my father threatened to hurt my family if I leave or embarrass him anymore. Because I don’t like not knowing where we are relationship-wise (like is this actually a relationship?). Because I’m sick of being stepped on and I’m scared to find out if that’s happening.

“I don’t know” is what I decide to say. A sudden wave of nausea washes over me. That empty pit in my stomach from before is full and now boiling over.

“You don’t know?” He asks, I can tell he’s becoming upset.

“Yea I just,” I sputter, the anxiety boiling in my stomach is bubbling the alcohol and chips I had which is not a fun combination. Another wave of nausea crashes over me

“I- I just- I can’t like-” I start gesturing widely not being able to get my point across, “I just don’t like everyone knowing,” I say awkwardly.

“Knowing what Monty?” Percy asks annoyed, “That you like men? That you like me? What is it?”

"I don't _know_ Perce," I say my breathing becoming faster

"Monty, I'm just trying to figure out what happened, I know for a fact you've never been in a relationship, and if this was some sort of fling for you, I need you to tell me now!" Percy shouts.

A fling to me?! He could never be a fling to me. More shame and nausea wash through my body making me shiver.

"Perce that's not-" I start, "I'm just confused."

"I've noticed," Percy sighs, "I'm just not sure why this is such a problem, it was just a kiss, you've done worse in the public eye." 

Ouch. Nausea. Shame. "I know!" I shout, coughing a little as my stomach churns violently.

"Alight, then why is this such a big deal? Is it because of me-" Percy starts but I cut him off.

With the little control, I have over what comes out of my mouth I say sternly, "No, that's not it."

"Then what is it!?!" Percy shouts.

A final wave of nausea washes over me before I'm running to the bushes, embarrassingly heaving the contents of my stomach. I can’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks, the sobs from breaking out of my mouth. This is quite possibly my new low.

I flinch when Percy’s hand touches my back, but he doesn’t run away. Why isn’t he running away? Why isn’t he ditching me on the street how I deserve to be? Why is he so kind? And why am I not?

After I've finished recthing, Percy slowly and cautiously walks me up the stairs to his flat. The hike up the stairs is much harder when you’re close to doubling over any moment. Me vomiting in the bushes helped nothing, didn't make me feel better, didn't get rid of the buzz I have going, and it certainly didn't help my shirt.

We walk into his flat and he doesn’t turn on the lights, he leaves them off with only the moon dousing the room in shades of blue.

He slowly walks me over to the loveseat and takes my shirt off. Any other time I would be ecstatic but at the moment, my mouth tastes retched and all I feel is shame. Can’t even hold my own liquor anymore.

Percy sets up a couple of pillows for me to lay down on and covers me with a blanket before walking over to the washing machine and dryer in the corner. I can just barely see him

“Percy,” I say directed nowhere in particular.

“Hm?” He hums back.

“What are we?” I ask, why did I ask that?

“You mean in general as humans or you and me specifically?” He asks walking over to me.

“You and me,”

“We’re Monty and Percy,”

“Sod off, you know what I mean,” I say sleepily, “What are _we_ , is there an _us_ , where are _you_ in this,” I gesture wildly, “thing.”

“You want to know where I am in this?” He asks

“Yes, absolutely.”

“Are you going to remember any of this in the morning?”

I’m not going to lie to him, “No, probably not.”

“Alright,” Percy says, and he crouches in front of my face, his face doused in blue light.

“I love you so much, I love you with all of my heart and soul. I've never loved anyone else, ever. I never looked at anyone the way I look at you. But you're a mess, you're an absolute mess. I try to help I really do, I want to be with you, I want to be in a relationship, but I know it's hard for you. I mean fuck it's hard for me too but, I don't want you to run anymore. I want you to be my mess.” Percy says completely taking me off guard.

“You have me.” I slur back at him.

“I don't, I really don't. You're not yourself anymore. The only time you are is around me, not around our friends, not at gigs, nowhere except for with me. I love that I can see that side of you but that's just not who you are.” He says shaking his head a little, his voice is getting more crackly and quieter as we talk.

"Then what am I darling?”

"You're confident, egotistical, a bit of a twat, and you're funny and kind, but you torture yourself. You drink and smoke until you can't feel that pain anymore.” Tears start to fall from Percy’s eyes.

“I just want take that pain away. I want to take away that flash that goes across your eyes when you zone out, when you start to get into your head. I want to see you smile, not because you're putting on a mask but because you really are happy. All that acting, all those walls, all that pain it makes you so tired."

As if on cue, sleep starts to pull at my eyelids. I want it to stop, dammit I want it to stop! Stay awake for once in your pathetic life!!

"I barely get to see you before you close your eyes again. Sometimes I’m scared you won’t open your eyes, but I know it's hard. I know you're trying; you're trying so hard I can see it.” He puts emphasis on ‘trying so hard’ as if he’s punching it into my brain.

"And I know, you won't remember any of that in the morning, so to answer your question of what we are. We're trying. And for where I am, I’m ready to jump into this when you are. So, try to remember some of that."

He places a hand on my cheek and my eyes shut, the last thing I hear is,

"And rest your tired soul"

As I start to drift, I can practically see the words slipping from my head into the abyss of time. Long strands of letters flying away from me. I grasp and reach for the speech, the sentences, the words, but they keep slipping. The only small shed of memory I managed to grab hold of and keep, is Percy’s face with tears, his voice low and small, and the phrase,

_“I don't, I really don't. You're not yourself anymore.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe I'm sorry (not really but like...) Monty was an angsty bitch in this chapter. As always thank you so much for reading!! I always love seeing the comments, and what you guys think of the story!! Also, I am still very aware I have no real way of explaining how the original songs are supposed to sound but I'm trying my best lol
> 
> Movies and shows mentioned:  
> Breakfast Club  
> Rocketman  
> Almost Famous  
> Over The Garden Wall
> 
> Songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> Human Fly by The Cramps
> 
> Domino by The Cramps
> 
> Everybody's Happy Nowadays by The Buzzcocks
> 
> My Generation by The Who
> 
> Black Dog by Led Zeppelin
> 
> Blank Generation by Richard Hell
> 
> If you would like to listen to these songs (plus some extras I feel fit the situation) there is a [5 Reasons Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WRVCs5haW2yOmG2BKMmYv?si=PeaMKj5wQ9Ko23OKq3zA6w) !!


	9. Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst! (and plot)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To listen along I made a [5 Reasons Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WRVCs5haW2yOmG2BKMmYv?si=kGOolgSDQ4Gmpj6I1SENtQ)! Enjoy the Chapter!

I wake up with a sharp pain in my head and fuzzy memories. A familiar state to wake up in but I feel that I was supposed to remember something but it’s just not there. I remember everything until Ebrahim left, then I have a fuzzy memory of vomiting into bushes and Percy saying I wasn’t myself.

I’m shirtless, a bit queasy, and bathed in pale early morning light I see Percy asleep on the other couch beside me.

My first thought is that we did something regrettable, but that’s disputed by the fact that Percy has all his clothes on.

I pick up my phone that’s plugged in on the coffee table and check the time, 6 a.m. I quietly scoff at the fact that my body woke up at 6 in the morning and try to fall back asleep.

It’s not working.

Something is making my stomach feel queasy, that weird memory of Percy saying _“I don't, I really don't. You're not yourself anymore.”_ is starting to concern me, and my headache and pain in my torso are getting progressively worse.

My head starts to drift off as I try desperately to remember what the hell happened to me and Percy last night.

What feels like 2 seconds later, the sound of _Walk On the Wild Side_ collides with my ears, as well as the smell of coffee. I open one of my eyes and see that the sun is fully up now, shining brightly through the flat.

_Jackie is just speeding away_

_Thought she was James Dean for a day_

_Then I guess she had to crash_

_Valium would have helped that bash_

Percy is stood in the kitchen now, he’s holding a mug of steaming coffee, looking through his phone, a vinyl record playing next to him. He’s wearing boxers, a beige Rolling Stones shirt, and fuzzy socks.

He’s a sight to behold.

I sit up and the pain in my torso is immediately worse. It feels as if there a knives stuck in my ribs. I make an involuntary noise of pain and Percy’s head shoots up.

I look over to him and he seems standoffish, he’s looking at me as if I’m going to run away at any moment. Okay, now I _know_ I fucked up.

“Morning,” I mumble out, standing and walking over to the kitchen. I now realize I’m only wearing my underwear, I can still see the indentions of my fishnets on my legs.

Percy nods and takes another sip of his coffee, looking back to his phone.

“Perce?” I say sliding to sit on the counter.

“Do you remember anything from last night?” Percy asks turning the record player off making the song come to a disturbing slow halt.

“Um, not really, after Ebrahim and Georgie left dinner everything is fuzzy,” I say gesturing with my hands, Percy has a look that’s a mix between cringe and a frown.

“I do have a memory of you saying I’m not myself would you care to explain that?” I ask with a smile.

Percy stays silent and places his coffee on the counter next to him and cross his arms, he’s about to say something when my phone rings.

I swear to God, I’m one more interruption from throwing the damn thing out of the window.

I slide off the counter and go to grab it to see its Scipio.

“Hello,” I answer putting the phone to my ear.

“Monty, you’re on shift all day remember, I’ll give you a pass cause Ebrahim said you were out late but you’re 30 minutes late,” Scipio says sternly and hanging up before I can even say anything back.

I look down at my phone after he’s hung up. 9:34…I’m actually an hour late.

Slowly, I turn back to Percy and scratch the back of my neck before asking, “Um, so I’m like an hour late to work…could I borrow some clothes?”

He's is putting his mug in the sink his back is turned to me, “Your clothes and shoes are on the washing machine.”

I look over to see my platforms and my now neatly folded clothes on the washing machine.

“Thanks, Per-” I’m cut off by Percy’s bedroom door softly closing. Something stings inside my chest; how did I manage to fuck up with Percy? I mean, it’s Percy! We’ve been through hell together how did I fuck this up?!

I grab my backpack that is sat by the door and walk into the bathroom. I look like hell.

My hair is pressed down on one side, my face is still a bit sickly pale, and I didn’t think the bags under my eyes could get darker but I’ve been proven wrong. I’m too skinny, I’m not sure why, I’ve never had problems keeping weight on till a few months ago, I can see my ribs now.

Percy used to say he loved my curves; he’d only say it when we were drunk or high, but he would say it. Maybe that’s why he said I’m not myself?

No. Percy isn’t shallow enough to hate me over my looks.

I inspect the bruises on my ribs, they’re swollen, and a couple of spots are pulsing. I tentatively run my fingers over one of the bruises and my body jerks away from my hand.

I rummage through my bag to see if there is any Advil, to no avail. I guess this is the universe's way of punishing me, just in general, for my years of petty sins.

I slip my clothes on, minus the fishnets, and tie my converse on and walk out to leave.

I walk by Percy’s door just to see if he’ll let me talk to him, but before I can knock, I hear him.

He’s crying. I know that sound, the muffled cries he does when he doesn’t want anyone to hear.

I can practically see it, his hand clasped over his mouth, the other wrapped around his waist, tears streaking down his face and over his knuckles. He used to cry like that a lot when he thought I couldn’t hear.

I want to barge in, I want to knock down the door and hold him. I know he wouldn’t let me through; he’d just turn away in disgust.

I walk out of the flat and start walking towards the Eleftheria.

I can still hear Percy crying ringing in my head. Why was he crying?

No, never mind, I know why he was crying.

He finally woke up and noticed his mistake.

The Eleftheria is never busy during the day, a few people wander in and out looking to buy tickets or sometimes people come in to have a beer at noon, that’s always worrying.

Except for almost every time someone comes in to buy alcohol at noon, I wish I was them.

I’ve been set on cleaning backstage and tending the bar at night. As I’m setting stuff down in the cabinets behind the bar, I feel a hand touch my shoulder. I am already close to the ground so when I flinch, I end up on my ass.

“Christ Montague you’d think a bomb went off,” A gratingly posh voice says close to my ear.

God. _Fucking_. Dammit.

I look up and see Richard Peele, he looks fucked up, he has some bandages on his nose, his face is mixed yellows and purples from the bruises, and his jaw is a bit swollen.

“What do you want Dick Peele?” I ask locking the cabinet and standing up.

“Oh, I just wanted a ticket to tonight’s show,” He says with a grin that would be intimidating if not for the fact that I can see his one of his bottom teeth is missing.

“No,” I say simply tying my apron behind my back and hissing as I feel my muscles in my torso move.

“Why is that?” He asks, the grin falling.

“Because you’re banned.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You’re so sure?” I ask leaning over the bar, he leans away. That’s new.

“Look Montague,” Peele says leaning forward again, realizing he leaned away from me, “Your little toy isn’t here to protect you now, watch what you say.”

It’s taking all my power to not spit in his face right now, but I know that won’t solve anything…tattling will help, however.

“SCIP!!” I yell not looking away from Peele.

“WHAT!!” Scipio yells back from the stage.

“PEELE’S BACK,” I yell, backing off from him,

I hear Scipio sigh and see him turn around and put his tools down.

“OI! YA AREN’T ALLOWED IN HERE!!” Scip yells hopping down from the stage and walking over.

“You have no right to throw me out or ban me!” Peele protests, “It was _your_ employee who attacked _me_ ,” He says standing and staring Scipio down.

“After you harassed him, I agree he shouldn’t have hurt ya but I’ve tolerated a lot of fights here, but I won’t tolerate harassment,” Scip says staring Peele down as well, Peele cowers.

“It’s not my fault she-” Peele starts but is cut off my Scip.

“Ah, ah, ah, see that’s exactly what I mean,” Scipio says quieting Peele, “Now before another word leaves your bruised mouth,” Scipio snaps and points to the door, “Leave.”

Peele looks at him for a moment before giving in and sulking out the door.

“Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” I shout towards him, picking up the things I need for cleaning.

Funnily enough, the door does slam too fast and hit Peele’s back before he’s fully out the door. It’s almost enough to make me smile.

I spend a good few hours cleaning up the backstage area. Backstage isn’t too bad but for some fucked up reason the floor is carpet back here, so I have to clean the damn thing once every month.

The backstage is actually quite nice, there are nice fairy lights above the door into the bar. The tables are pretty simple white ones with mismatched chairs Scip set up. The couch is off in the corner, and the walls are a nice pale (almost white) mint color.

It’s calming in here sometimes, especially when no one else is back here.

As if on cue, “Hey Monty!” says Ebrahim, walking into the room.

I nod and make a noise resembling “hey” and continue cleaning one of the tables.

“So, what happened?” Ebrahim asks, folding his arms and leaning against the wall.

“What?”

“You’re wearing the same clothes you worse yesterday, you were an hour late for work, and you haven’t stopped to text Percy once since you got here,” Ebrahim says pointing out the obvious flaws of my image today, “not to mention you look like shit, so what happened?”

Anger starts to boil in my stomach, Ebrahim being like an older brother is annoying as shit sometimes. He just knows about everything all the time.

“What the hell do you think happened?” I spit back keeping my body turned away from him, still cleaning the table.

“I just think maybe you should slow-” He starts, but I know where this is going.

_“You need to slow down on the drinking, Monty.”_

_“Ease up on the booze, Monty.”_

_“Slow down before you hurt yourself, Monty.”_

All fun little ways my friends enjoying saying _“You’re embarrassing, sort your shit out.”_

I grip the towel I’m wiping the table with tighter, “I know I have a drinking problem Ebrahim, it’s not like I can just stop on a God damn whim.”

“I know that I just think-” Ebrahim starts unphased by my anger.

I turn around, “I know what you think, but I can’t just fucking stop! You know fuck all about my life, you don’t know the shit I go through, so,” I throw the towel onto the table, “Fuck off!”

“I think Percy would also appreciate if you stopped,” Ebrahim says calmly, “Maybe then you could remember the things he tells you.”

Oh, so Percy talked to him. Great.

All I can feel is anger and pings of shame. I just want to scream and hit something. I would call up Percy so we can go hit shit but no, I had fuck up every good thing in my life, and here Ebrahim is rubbing it in my face.

“Fuck. Off.” I say in the lowest most intimidating voice I can make before storming out of the room and going into the breakroom.

I feel like a child, like how Adrian throws a fit and then storms off to his room. Actually, I’m exactly like a child.

I sit, well…more slam myself down into one of the metal chairs and put my face in my hands.

My head hurts, my face hurts, my torso hurts, my stomach hurts…everything fucking hurts. I want a drink so bad; I want to chug one of the vodka’s we have in stock.

I’m stuck in a limbo of not wanting this day to end and wanting every to stop. If the day ends, I have to go home which would be hell, but if everything keeps going this way, I might recreate Georgie on the album cover and stab my brain with a drumstick.

My hands start to shake, and my leg starts to bounce right as Scipio walks in.

“Oh, good you’re in here,” He says before sitting down next to me, “I need you to stay a bit later tonight.”

I keep my head in my hands, “Why?” I mumble.

“The one employee I had set up for 5:30 to 11 called in sick so I need someone to fill in,” Scipio says in a calm tone, “Look I know ya don’t feel well, but you were an hour late so it’s the least you could do.”

He’s half right. It’s most definitely not the least I could do, but I’ll still accept it because I don’t have the energy to disagree.

“Sure,” I say into my palms.

I hear Scipio get up and leave the room and I’m not entirely sure why but tears start to form.

I blink away the tears and swallow away the tightness in my throat, stopping this catastrophe before it starts.

I stand and pull my phone out of my pocket and check to see if anyone texted me…nope.

Not one.

I dramatically shove my phone into my back pocket before turning around to the door.

Let’s get this shit show started.

It’s 6:35 now and I have managed to not have a breakdown thus far. Though Sundays tend to be slow and is usually when maintenance is done.

Today it was, cleaning backstage, cleaning bathrooms, fixing the bar stools, and making sure the posters are all up to date on the corkboards. I only snuck one shot of whiskey around 4:00 just to make the shaking stop.

The song playing over the radio is starting to make me think the radio is out to get me. It has an odd sound that reminds me of how things sound while I’m high.

_An unclear impulse_

_Forces me to drink._

_An unclear impulse_

_Forcing me to think._

I try to not focus on the song, and I’m giving some older gentleman a beer when Percy walks in.

_Ah, hello lover,_

My heart stops for a moment, my face wants to smile, my legs want to run over to him, my arms want to hold him tightly, though it feels as if there are bricks attached to all my limbs.

Percy gives a courtesy smile, the kind he usually gives to people when he’s uncomfortable. Great. At least he’s looking at me.

He looks more comfortable now, he’s still wearing the beige rolling stones shirt, but now he’s wearing some black jeans and plain black doc marten shoes. He’s got a red flannel tied around his waist and his hair is pulled into two buns.

I want to kiss him. Why can’t I kiss him? What did I do?

_Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink._

I’m very tempted to ask Scipio to change the station. This song is too in tune with my life.

Percy walks over to the stage and climbs up on it, sliding his guitar case across the stage in the process.

A few minutes pass before Georgie and Sim show up, they seem to be in the middle of a conversation while walking in yet stop when they see me.

Did he let _everyone_ know I’m a fuck up?

Instead, however, they just wave at me and walk over to the stage.

Band practice is always interesting, they play till the early hours of the morning, entertaining the guests then they play some sets and discussing which songs should come after the other.

Tonight they seem pretty calm as they set up. Sim is tuning her bass, Georgie is spinning his drum stick as he puts together his drums.

Percy is fiddling with his guitar and tapping his foot, before plugging it in.

I stop paying attention as they set up, giving refills where they are needed and shoveling tips into my pockets.

All goes well for about 5 minutes then in a flash, I hear Percy let out a noise of pain, Sim gasp, and the sound of Percy’s guitar falling to the ground fills the room.

I look over and see Percy seizing next to the microphone, his guitar on the ground next to him.

I run over and hop on the stage as fast as I can. Once I make it up on stage I quickly tell Sim to close the curtains and take my apron off folding it and putting it under his head so he won’t hurt himself and turn him on his side.

“What the hell happened!” I shout to anyone willing to answer.

“The uh, microphone shocked him, and he was sent to the floor,” Georgie stutters out.

I think I’m the only one who has actually seen Percy like this. They all know he has epilepsy but I’m 99% sure this is the only time they’ve seen him like this.

I saw him have seizures a few times when we were on our own. The first time we were sleeping in an alleyway and I thought he was dying, but it only lasted a minute then he fell asleep. He told me in the morning he’s never woken up with someone by his side after one.

I try my best to always be there if he has one.

I pull my phone out from my back pocket of my jeans and start timing the seizure, I know this technically isn’t a seizure caused by his epilepsy, but I still need to time this.

“Is he going to be alright?” Sim asks crouching next to me.

“To play tonight? No. Overall? Yes.” I answer sitting down and waiting for Percy’s body to stop torturing him.

“What happened,” Sim asks.

“Sometimes electrical currents in microphones fuck up and have nowhere to go, something to do with wiring, but basically the electricity goes into you instead,” I say in a calm voice, not looking away from Percy making sure he doesn’t hurt himself.

This happened in Almost Famous, that’s how I know any of this.

Percy always goes on small rants about facts in that movie,

_“Did you know it’s about Led Zeppelin?”_

_“The original article this kid wrote is really good.”_

_“The microphone shocked him because of electrical currents.”_

It’s quite adorable when he does, but I don’t think he’d ever actually be shocked by a microphone.

I’ll remind Scip to get new ones.

After about 2 minutes Percy’s movements slow and start to stop. Sim went to talk to Scipio about the microphones leaving Georgie and me to help Percy (who is pretty much passed out.)

“Alright,” I say catching Georgie’s attention, “You’re going to help get him situated in the back seat of my car. Okay?”

Georgie nods and picks Percy up bridal style and we start to walk out of the Eleftheria. It’s a bit difficult for Georgie to get through the small door while holding another person but he manages fine.

He lays Percy in the backseat and Percy is semi-conscious enough to prop his head up against the door. He looks incredibly tired; I don’t blame him. He also looks so sad as well. I know he loves band practice

I stay relatively silent as to not wake him or overload his senses only saying goodbye to Georgie, shutting my car door, and starting the car being the only sounds I make.

The entire situation is a relatively silent ordeal, the drive being almost no sound at all.

I realize as soon as I park in the garage to his building that I’m going to have to carry him up the stairs. That’s going to be a mess.

I think about complaining, I think about asking him to wake up but for some reason, my brain seems to be running correctly at this moment. I just pull Percy into my arms just how Georgie did and close the car behind me.

As I predicted it’s a bit of a mess to carry Percy up all the stairs. His feet will occasionally graze the stairs which worries me and makes me hold him a bit higher, by the final flight of stairs I’m practically holding him above my head. Not to mention my torso burning and filling me with pain as I climb.

Nevertheless, I make it to the top of the Everest of stairs and up to his flat. Unlocking the door is a challenge, I have a key to Percy’s flat on my keychain so that is not a problem, however, just when I thought my grip on Percy was fine, I almost drop him trying to unlock the damn thing.

He doesn’t open an eye, gasp, or even stir at the slight drop. Christ the electricity and seizure really knocked him out.

Of course, it did but if not for him being so close to me I can hear him breathing, I’d think he died.

I manage, after what must be at least 3 minutes, to finally open the door make it into the flat.

I quickly walk to Percy’s bedroom and gently lay him on the bed. I make sure he’s at least a bit situated then I start to change Percy into more comfortable clothes. I used to do it when we were on our own and if he had a seizure and he was still in his day clothes I would change him into pajamas but now it feels more personal now.

I suppose he did that for me last night, except he undressed me because of the necessity of not getting vomit on his sofa and not for comfort.

I slip his shoes and socks off, then his jeans, hang his flannel up with his jackets, then I take his hair down and shake it out with my hand. Placing my hand to his forehead, making sure he’s not too hot or cold before pulling the blankets over his body

I place a soft kiss on his cheek that I know he won’t register, then I leave him to rest, quietly closing the bedroom door behind me.

I decide to rest as well except on the couch, not on the bed. On top of Percy having a shit day I’m not going to force him to sleep in the same bed next to me…but I’m still right here. He knows I’m always right here.

I start to unwind after about 10 minutes I turn on my sleep playlist (it’s my calmest) and start counting the tips I made today. _That Feel_ comes on as I’m counting and Tom Waits gritty voice and beautiful lyrics fill my ears.

_Well, there's one thing you can't lose_

_It's that feel_

_Your pants, your shirt, your shoes_

_But not that feel_

I remember finding this song. Someone was playing it on the lawn at Eton and for a moment I thought that person had written it, but something felt off? So, I looked up the lyrics and found that the grit of Tom Waits voice makes the song so unique.

_You can throw it out in the rain_

_You can whip it like a dog_

_You can chop it down like an old dead tree_

_You can always see it_

_When you're coming into town_

_Once you hang it on the wall_

_You can never take it down_

I’ve managed to count 21 pounds, not bad for a 9-hour slow day. I realize that I left my backpack at the Eleftheria because there always _has_ to be something wrong today.

You know what? I give in. You win universe, I’m just going to lay down and think about nothing and everything, and how nothing _is_ everything at this moment.

If I could just have one moment of _nothing_. That would be _everything_.

_But there's one thing you can't lose_

_And it's that feel_

_You can pawn your watch and chain_

_But not that feel_

_It always comes and finds you_

_It will always hear you cry_

I start to flip through my phone, replying to the texts asking of Percy and flipping through apps mindlessly before giving up and just placing the phone on my chest and closing my eyes. It hurts to breathe as if my inhaling oxygen is somehow forcing my ribs farther than they should go.

_I cross my wooden leg_

_And I swear on my glass eye_

_It will never leave you high and dry_

_Never leave you loose_

_It's harder to get rid of than tattoos_

I hear Percy’s door open and immediately pause the song in case he came to tell me to turn it off.

He doesn’t his just rubs eye like a toddler and points to the phone.

“Tom Waits,” he mumbles, his voice is gravely from underuse, I nod with a smile.

“Um, Monty?” he asks.

“Yes?” I respond.

“Could you sleep next to me?” He asks, his voice getting progressively quieter as he speaks.

“Of course,” I reply, a little too quickly.

He smiles and stumbles back into his room, I turn off all the lights and lock the door then follow after him.

He’s already huddled under blankets once I make it in there. I change out of my clothes and slip on one of Percy’s shirts before slipping under the covers next to him.

He’s not asleep, I’m not sure how but he’s not.

“Perce, darling, sleep,” I whisper tentatively touching my hand to his cheek.

“I’m sorry,” I barely hear him say.

“Why?”

“I’ve just been a mess today,” He says leaning into my hand.

“You were electrocuted, being a mess is excused,” I said in a deadpan tone.

“No, I meant before that,” He says leaning away from me a bit.

Oh. _That._

“It’s alright Perce,” I lie.

“It’s not, I shouldn’t expect you to remember things when you’re in that state. That was shitty of me to act like that’s your fault,” He says fully leaning away from me now.

“Perce, it’s alright, I shouldn’t get shit faced like that,” I say putting my hands under my head.

He looks like he wants to say something, probably “Yeah you shouldn’t,” but I know he won’t.

Instead, is almost inaudibly whispers, “Yeah, I guess.”

A couple of moments pass and Percy turns onto his side, his back facing me. I don’t take it personally; he’s never been big on anyone touching him after he’s had a seizure. I’m not sure about an electrical one but I feel that the fact still remains.

“Monty, could you turn the music back on?” Percy asks softly.

I don’t answer, I just do as he asked me to and turn the song back on.

_But there's one thing you can't do_

_Is lose that feel_

_You can throw it off a bridge_

_You can lose it in a fire_

_You can leave it at the altar_

_But it will make you out a liar_

I turn onto my side as well, our backs facing each other.

“Are you going to tell me what I’ve forgotten?” I ask.

“Not tonight,” Percy responds with a yawn.

“But one day?” I ask again scooting slightly closer to Percy.

“Promise,” He replies scooting closer to me as well.

_You can fall down in the street_

_You can leave it in the lurch_

_Well you say that it's gospel_

_But I know that it's only church_

Our backs are touching, and I can feel Percy breathing next to me.

_And there's one thing you can't lose_

_And it's that feel_

As my eyes flutter shut, I’m hoping I get some good boyfriend points, good friend points? Good…Monty points. I only managed one small drink today, didn’t have a breakdown, and got Richard Peele kicked out of the bar.

I’m not sure why but none of that felt good the only thing that did was helping Percy. Granted I wish I didn’t have to, I wish he wasn’t shocked into an epileptic fit, but I’m glad I could help.

It’s like even though today felt like hundreds of weights were placed on my chest, and I’ve been filled with pain, even the slightest touch of Percy’s back against mine makes me feel safe, calm, and happy.

A small part of me thinks he told me he loved me last night, but the larger more logical part of me shuts that down. At least for tonight. As my mind drifts off into sleep all I can think about is that even Percy didn’t say he loved me and he said something else…I love him.

_It's that feel_

I wake with Percy shuffling down the bed his phone ringing loudly. The next thing I hear is Johanna’s loud voice all the way from where I’m laying down say

“PERCY! DID YOU SEE WHAT I SENT YOU?!” She yells

“Quieter,” He says in a level tone, “Please say that again but quieter.” He says rubbing the bridge of his nose.

I don’t hear Johanna’s voice anymore just Percy’s responses,

“No?” A couple of seconds pass, “Well can I look at it later?”

A moment passes then Percy shouts,

“WE WENT WHAT?!?” He hangs up the phone and I assume he goes to check his messages.

I sit up, stretch and crawl up next to him, I look at his phone he’s pulling up TikTok, didn’t know he had that downloaded.

There is an account with six videos posted, all have more than 3 million views.

Percy clicks on the first one and the clips of The 5 Reason with the text “Five reasons you should stan The 5 Reasons” appear on the screen.

The voice of an unknown person says this,

_“So, I found this band at a local bar called the Eleftheria, I know cool name, and they have this punk band there called The 5 Reasons, and holy shit. These guys prove that punk is alive and well. Each member has a metric fuck ton of talent. I’m going to dedicate one video to each member of the group, then one video with a bit about their songs, and then the final one will be about the cool shit they do. I’ll have every video up as soon as possible so you don’t have to wait so they should be up already, enjoy!”_

Percy’s face is overtaken with shock and we look at each other for a moment then back at the phone.

We spend most of the morning watching the videos and reading the comments.

The only words my mouth formed after seeing said videos were,

“Holy shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe PLOT TIME MY DUDES! Well, I hope you enjoyed the chapter, the next one probably won't be up till January because of holidays and things but anyway!  
> Imma plug the playlist again because in chapters like these with only a few songs mentioned I add more that fit the situation onto [The 5 Reasons Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WRVCs5haW2yOmG2BKMmYv?si=kGOolgSDQ4Gmpj6I1SENtQ)
> 
> Here are the songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> Walk On the Wild Side by Lou Reed
> 
> Unclear by Forrest Flowers
> 
> That Feel by Tom Waits
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter!!


	10. Viral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monty has a breakdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so it gets serious towards the end, nothing too bad but, TW: vomit, mentions of sex, mentions of drugs, alcohol, and mentions of abuse
> 
> have fun fellas, I'm sorry in advance.
> 
> (and the playlist is here [The 5 Reasons](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WRVCs5haW2yOmG2BKMmYv?si=-UVNWcmATN6pFHNUxfaBUg)

**Video 2:  
**  
 _“Five reasons you should listen to The 5 Reasons, part 2. Simma "Sim" Aldajah. This girl is one of the best singers I’ve heard in a while. You want screaming punk music”  
_  
The voice-over cuts out and plays Sim yelling.  
  
 _“ **FIX YOUR FACE, I’LL DENT MY CASE** ” “You want pretty singing Blondie style” “Collapse in, sink with me, make me feel alive again” “She plays bass while singing and plays it fast.”_   
  
A clip of Sim playing her bass solo in Sea Creatures plays.  
  
_“She’s also a lesbian, Muslim, punk woman, what more could you want?”  
_  
A couple of photos of Sim with Johanna and Sim at pride with her lesbian flag wrapped around her shoulders flash across the screen.  
  
 _“You can find her on all the socials I put in the caption and definitely check out her music with her band.”_

  
**Video 3:  
**  
 _“Five reasons you should listen to The 5 Reasons, part 3. Georgie. Yep, just Georgie he has yet to reveal his last name. He is the fantastic drummer of The 5 Reason and holy shit can he play.”  
  
_ Georgie playing his solo in Dent My Case, Obligation, and Smash plays.  
  
_“He’s only 17 and technically not even allowed in a bar yet, very punk of him. Georgie plays like his life depends on it has this soft punk aesthetic going which is cool as fuck.”  
_  
A few photos of Georgie doing things like holding teddy bears and picking flowers while in full punk get up flash across the screen.  
  
 _“All his socials are in the caption and you should definitely check out his music with his band.”_

  
**Video 4:  
**   
_“Five reasons you should listen to The 5 Reasons, part 4. Last but certainly not least, Percy Fucking Newton. Holy shit this guy, let me just go down a list of reasons this guy is awesome. He’s pretty active on Snapchat and Instagram and is always posting something,”_

A picture of Percy kissing me at the concert flashes on the screen, along with some other photos he’s posted (him at pride with all of us).  
  
 _“He’s a total punk through and through,”_ A shaky clip of Percy hitting Richard with the guitar plays, _“He literally beat the shit out of a transphobe. Speaking of trans, Percy is!”_

A few pictures of Percy appear, one of him flipping off the camera with bandages across his torso, one of Percy without a shirt on at a gig, and one of Percy with his ‘be trans, throw bricks’ jacket

_"According to Percy’s Instagram he had top surgery in 2018 and has been, and I quote, ‘fucking ecstatic ever since.’”_

A screenshot of Percy’s post about his surgery is shown.

_"_ _Also, this guy can play guitar like it’s breathing”_

A few clips go across the screen, one of him playing Lazzaretto, of him playing his solo in Glowing Heart, and him playing Foxy Lady. 

_“Literally what the fuck. He also sings!” **“Blue, blue as me”** “Anyway all his socials are in the caption and definitely check out his music.”_

**Video 5:**

  
_“Alright so their songs are really cool, they have an album called Battle Wounds that has a very bloody album cover”_

The album cover stays on screen for a bit.

_“The photo a friend of the band Monty Montague took, who after their kiss on Saturday is rumored to be in a relationship with Percy,”_

That same picture of Percy and I kissing flashes across the screen as well as a couple of pictures of us together over the years.

_"That’s beside the point, the songs on the album are really interesting and most of the lyrics can be found with a google search or their website, Blue as You is their most popular lyrical song”_

A long clip of Percy singing and playing Blue as You plays.

_“While they also have faster less lyrical songs,” A clip of them playing Poetry plays, that song is essentially screaming swears and guitar solos._ _All their music can be found Spotify and they only have 400 listeners?! Disgraceful.”  
  
_

**Video 6:**

  
This video is just one moving image of text saying "The 5 Reason” glitching.

  
_“Okay so I have given plenty of reason to love The 5 Reasons, so I better see those numbers go up on those Spotify stats. These kids work so hard and do gigs at the Eleftheria almost every Friday and Saturday and they deserve all the hype they can get! Please boost some of these videos so these guys can be seen! Thanks for watching!”_

**Six videos,**   
**3,004,334**   
**3,023,893**   
**3,015,093**   
**4,000,034**   
**3,780,002**   
**3,804,987**

**20,628,343** views in total,  
 **2,349,287** Active Spotify listeners,  
 **6** overwhelmed kids  
 **3** phones exploding with notifications  
 **1** shitty flat

*****

Percy and I are sat on opposite ends of his couch Johanna and Sim in between us as we watch their Spotify numbers go up and their album downloads go even higher.  
Percy’s leg hasn’t stopped bouncing since we watched the videos, his hair is back to being pulled in two buns so it for sure stays out of his face as he stares off into nothing.   
I want to hold his hand; tell him this is great! Tell him everything is fine and to not panic, but he seems even more distant today.

Everyone else being anxious probably isn’t helping. Sim is just wide-eyed staring at the computer screen gripping Johanna’s hand so hard I can he the natural pink on Jo’s hand turning white.

At the moment, Georgie is on he’s phone typing extremely quickly. Earlier he was pacing back and forth and spinning a pencil between his fingers. Feli is sat on the loveseat her head in a textbook but I can tell she isn’t reading; her eyes aren’t moving.

I know this is overwhelming for them, hell it’s overwhelming for me. The maybe of all the opportunities, all the experiences they could have, the future they could have. The future Percy could have.

The future where Percy goes off and becomes a famous musician, the future he deserves, the future they all deserve. The future I deserve, the one without him, the one free of me.

I look back at the computer and see the number change from 2,597,309 to 3,004,300 in a split second and I am immediately hit with the urge to sob and vomit at the same time.  
  
I need air.  
  
I quickly stand and stride out the flat door not looking back at anyone. I practically sprint down the hall and stairs and out into the freezing winter air.  
  
I slam myself back against the brick wall of the building and slide down pulling my knees to my chest as thoughts through my head like a freight train.  
What if Percy leaves and never comes back?   
  
What am I thinking? He deserves that he deserves to be pulled out of the tar pit. He deserves to leave. Leave everything behind and go forward with his band and his friends. He deserves someone who can actually remember what he says, not some alcoholic, borderline drug addict who was a decent human being for 2 years.  
  
He deserves someone he can love.   
  
He deserves this. He deserves the fame. He-  
  
“Monty?” A familiar voice asks.  
  
I lift my head and see Felicity. She looks a bit calmer than she did inside, but she still seems on edge.  
  
“Will walk with me?” She asks still staring at me with a sympathetic look. That’s new.  
  
I stand and start walking with her down the street.  
  
She looks tired, the bags under her eyes are a dark color and her hair is in a messy bun. Her glasses are slightly crooked, but she doesn’t seem bothered to fix them. Though, she also looks happy, like she’s content. I suppose she is, she did get a dream opportunity to work alongside doctors and go through a real nurse shift.  
  
As we walk in silence, I stuff my hands in my pockets to grasp onto some strand of warmth. Alas, English weather is grey and frigid, and these are tight jeans have pockets that can only fit my fingertips.  
  
The air is rushing past my face as we walk making my nose feel warm. As if my body is giving a feeble attempt to keep me warm.  
  
“So,” She starts, moving her crooked glasses up her face, “Are you okay?” She asks turning to look at me.  
  
“Sure,” I responded nodding.  
  
“'Sure’ is an answer to agree with a statement not confirm it,” She scolds.  
  
“There’s no need to insult my grammar, I’m in a crisis,” I say jokingly.  
  
“Ah! So you aren’t okay!”  
  
“You shouldn’t sound excited about that,” I say with a laugh.  
  
“I’m not excited about that, I’m excited I was right,” She says looking forward, “Did you talk to Percy?” She asks.  
  
Oh, does she know about my wonderful night of fuck ups too?  
  
“About what?”  
  
“About your feelings,” She grimaces.  
  
“Christ, don’t say it like that.”  
  
“Fine, did you talk to him about your thoughts? I saw those pictures I know you talked through something. Though when I called you, you talked to me for more than a minute which was slightly concerning. So, did you talk to him?” She finishes her small speech with a slight smile. As if she presented a fully worked out case before a court.  
  
I sigh and stop walking, “Feli, it’s complicated and I don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
“Okay, then can we discuss why you ran out of Percy’s flat like there was a fire?” She asks keeping her face straight and determined.  
  
“No,” I respond.  
  
She’s silent for a bit just staring at me before turning back around and starts walking back to Percy’s. I quickly follow.  
  
“Everything with you and Percy will be fine, Monty,” she whispers, so quiet I almost don’t catch it.  
  
“Oh god don’t start being kind to me now, Felicity, We’ve gone this long,” I say with a groan as we reach the door to the building.  
  
She laughs, “I would never be kind to you,” she says shaking her head.  
  
We stay silent all the way up the stairs, and right as we reach the door I whisper, “Thank you, Feli.”  
  
“Shut up.”

*****

The coming weeks pass in a flash. Shifts become longer, gigs become packed, the band becomes continuously more overwhelmed and confused as the days progress.   
They even have people take pictures with them after shows. Well, they had that before but now it’s obsessive.  
  
Percy and I have to wear hoodies while walking around again (more him and less me). Granted, now we aren’t running away from the police and my family, but it’s still stressful.  
  
At the moment, I’m outside Percy’s building smoking a cigarette and waiting for the wind to hit my body every time I hear it shake distant bushes and make plastic bags fly down the sidewalks.  
  
The door opens and Percy steps out. I’ve spent the last two weeks with him. I haven’t dared to go home. I miss Adrian and Mum, I see Feli every other day, but I feel like I haven’t seen my family in years.  
  
Being with Percy has been nice but usually, he’s with Sim and Georgie, I stopped tagging along after a couple of days because they would talk about band and business stuff I tend to just tune them out and stare at my phone.  
  
Johanna is always busy with studying so I’m essentially on my own.  
  
When he stands next to me, my entire right side of my body immediately becomes warm. My senses are filled with the smell of forests and flowers. Of Percy.  
  
“It’s pretty insane isn’t it?” He asks leaning his shoulder into me a bit.  
  
“Yeah,” I respond.  
  
He sighs and doesn’t say anything else for a bit until I feel him leave my side and his boot tap my calf. I flinch a small bit making his boot quickly fall to the ground.  
  
“Come on. Let’s go somewhere.”  
  
“Isn’t that dangerous now?” I ask, stubbing out the small bit of the cigarette left out on the wall.  
  
“You afraid of danger all of a sudden?” He asks giving me a lopsided smile.  
  
So, I push off the wall and follow him because I’m tired and I want to calm down or run. I can’t tell the difference anymore.  
  
Our outfits aren’t the most fashionable. I’m wearing a t-shirt I left at his place a few weeks ago and yesterday’s jeans, my beat-up converse on my feet. Percy is wearing one of his leather jackets with a hood on it, this one has less writing on it more pictures.  
  
He has red roses running up the sleeves and some protest symbols at the back, it’s one of my favorites on him. The red pairs well with eyes (and now it matches his hair).  
He's got some dark blue jeans on and plain black combat boots. He looks lovely even when he threw an outfit together in 2 minutes and pulled his hair up frantically he looks like he could be on the front of Rolling Stone. I suppose he might be at some point.  
  
“Hey,” He says softly breaking my thoughts and bumping our shoulders together.   
  
I smile at him; I don’t trust my mouth to say the right thing. If there is a right thing to say.  
  
Percy nudges me again with his arm, this time he’s holding out his jacket to me.  
  
I see he’s wearing a black and white striped jumper that clings to him. I’ve never seen that shirt on him before, and it looks lovely.  
He opens the jacket for me to put my arms in.   
  
I stare at him for a moment, I’m not sure why but this feels so…natural.  
  
Almost like he just knew I was freezing or knew I wanted to walk away from everything, why does he know me so damn well (or maybe I’m just that obvious).  
  
I push my arms into the sleeves as he lays the jacket over my shoulders. It’s heavy and immediately makes my shoulders slump, my nose is filled by the smell of old leather, paint, and once again, Percy.  
  
I stand up as straight as I can and continue to walk side by side with Percy down the street.  
  
The sky is white, and the world is grey, it feels just as cold, even with the jacket.  
  
“Monty, it’ll be okay,” Percy says softly letting his arms go slack at his side.  
  
“What will be okay Perce?”  
  
“Everything,” He says shrugging, “Just everything will be okay.”  
  
As we walk our hands keep brushing, he isn’t moving away from me. He should, he should run away like I’m a fire. I am a fire continuously burning every bridge Percy has out of here.  
  
He links our fingers.  
  
Why isn’t he running?  
  
Please Percy just go, don’t stay here. Please go.  
  
Percy grabs my head and starts to run dragging me behind him as I stumble to catch up with him. I thought for a moment someone had spotted us until I realized it was just us.  
He takes down a sharp turn and we start sprinting our way out of the city.  
  
I know where he’s taking us but it’s going to take considerably longer to get there.  
  
Percy (while running and holding my hand) turns on some music. The familiar riff from _Can’t Hardly Wait_ plays.  
  


_I'll write you a letter tomorrow_   
  
_Tonight I can't hold a pen_   
  
_Someone's got a stamp that I can borrow_   
  
_I promise not to blow the address again  
  
_

The sky is starting to turn a peach color as the hidden evening sun dips under the skyline. Percy’s hand is warm in mine. Every time he grabs it I feel alive, a little less cold. A little less useless.  
  


_Lights that flash in the evening,_   
  
_Through a crack in the drapes_   
  


Percy and I are running up and down hills as the sky turns a brighter orange. The smoke taste lingers on my breath yet anytime I open my mouth I inhale the cold air and for a moment I can’t taste anything.  
  


_Jesus rides beside me_   
  
_He never buys any smokes_   
  


I look back for one moment. For one fleeting movement and see the city, the dreary city that looks like the definition of slums. The roads that lead to estates and properties blocked by trees. I feel like I’m in slow-motion.  
  


_Hurry up, hurry up, ain't you had enough of this stuff_   
  
_Ashtray floors, dirty clothes, and filthy jokes_   
  


I turn back to Percy and everything seems normal again as we run down the small hills our shoes stomping all the way down.  


_See you're high and lonesome_   
  
_Try and try and try_   
  


A few cars pass us looking confused but we don’t falter, we just keep running.  
  


_Lights that flash in the evening,_   
  
_Through a hole in the drapes_   
  


The sky is getting darker, but I feel like my world is getting brighter. Especially when Percy turns his head to look at me with a smile.  
  


_I'll be home when I'm sleeping_   
  
_I can't hardly wait_   
  


We start coming around to one of the many turns leading to the recycling yard and an uncontrollable smile spreads across my face.  
  


_I can't wait. Hardly wait.  
_   
  


We eventually make it to the lot. The sun has set and the small playlist has ended. I made Percy carry me the rest of the way once we started to weave through the broken backroads that lead here.  
  
Once we make it onto the lot I see Percy’s car is parked in front of us.  
  
“Excuse me?! Why is your car already here?!” I ask shocked as he lets me off his back.  
  
“Because I drove it here earlier,” He responds as if this is completely normal.  
  
“Why? We could have just driven here!” I ask still shocked as he starts walking to his car.  
  
“Because that wouldn’t have snapped you out of that weird funk you’ve been in,” He says hopping up on the boot of his car.  
  
“I haven’t been in a funk,” I mumble while climbing up next to him.  
  
“Yes, you have, you’ve barely talked to me since the tiktok thing,” he quietly says looking at his hands.  
  
Oh. I guess I have been a bit distant. I just don’t want to bother him, he’s busy.  
  
“You haven’t been around,” I say without thinking. Great job Monty, blame _him_ for your issues.  
  
Percy nods slowly then looks up over the lot and whispers, “Sorry.”  
  
“Oh, Perce, don’t be sorry,” I say quickly, “I’m fine really,” I add on.  
  
Please don’t be sorry, please don’t feel bad, please enjoy your life.  
  
I quickly try and change the subject, “So, on the topic of the tiktok thing, how’s that going?”  
  
Percy looks at me with his brow furrowed, “Fine.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
“Monty, really if you aren’t okay you can talk to me about it,” He says putting his hand on my thigh.  
  
I know he’s trying to sympathize with me or worse help me. I don’t need help; I don’t need him to pity me like I’m some kicked puppy.  
  
“I’m fine Percy,” I say sternly.  
  
“You are not,” he scoffs.  
  
I’m not sure why I’m angry but I feel a familiar rage bubbling in my stomach.  
  
“If I say I’m fine, then I’m fine and you drop it.”  
  
He removes his hand from my thigh like it’s on fire.  
  
“I didn’t mean to make you upset, sorry,” He says but he a bit of emphasis on ‘sorry’ like I’m overreacting.  
  
“Look I don’t need to be your little charity case for the month, stop treating me like one,” I say crossing my arms. I feel like I shouldn’t have said that.  
  
Percy stays silent then sighs rubbing his hands together.  
  
“You aren’t my charity case Monty.”  
  
I know Percy.  
  
“Yeah, okay,” I scoff.  
  
“What makes you think you’re my charity case?” He asks quietly.  
  
“Well let’s go down the list shall we,” I say turning my body to him.  
  
He looks unamused but he’s listening.  
  
“When I ran away you came and met up with me because you felt bad,” I say counting on my fingers. He opens his mouth to say something, but I keep talking, “You’ve stuck around in this shithole because of me, and finally you only kissed me so you could do it in front of people.”  
  
Yes. I am making assumptions and grasping at straws, but dammit I’m angry and sick of people sticking around because they feel bad for me.  
  
He nods slowly biting the inside of his cheek while thinking.  
  
“Okay, Monty, I mean this in the nicest way, not everything is about you,” He says looking directly into my eyes.  
  
I cross my arms and lean back a little.  
  
“One, I met up with you cause I was kicked out and knew your ass would get caught or lost and I’m not fucking heartless,” He says counting on his fingers like I did. He gets vulgar when he’s upset.  
  
“Two, I’ve stuck around in this shithole because of my band and Scipio, I can’t just fucking ditch them,” He says gesturing wildly. “And three, you really think I only kissed you so I could get a photo?” He asks a bit disappointed.  
  
I don’t answer.  
  
“You realize I kissed out here, where literally no one can hear anything or see anyone? Here? You do realize our first kiss was here?” He asks pointing at the ground.  
  
“I’m not stupid,” I mumble.  
  
“I never said you were, just-” He stops and runs his hand over his face. “I have my own thoughts, feelings, and actions that don’t revolve around you.” He says quietly.  
  
That’s good for you Percy. I’m glad you have your own emotions, thoughts, and actions that don’t revolve around the person you kiss. I don’t have that luxury.  
  
“You don’t hold me down-” He starts but I don’t let him finish.  
  
“I’d like to go home,” I say.  
  
He sighs and quietly says, “Okay.”  
  
We get in his car and drive back to the flat in silence. No music, not even from the radio. Just tension and the sound of the engine speeding up and slowing down.  
  
I’ve never wanted loud out of place music more in my life than right now.

*****

I spent the last few weeks at home. Father had some choice words and actions about my photo. I don’t think my hand has healed right, I still can’t move my pinkie. My ribs are a bit better, but I could barely breathe for a few days.  
  
Percy and I text, he checks on me, but he’s been a bit busy. He doesn’t ask me to talk anymore, I have to talk to him.   
  
Last week Percy and I were tending the bar and some talent agency lady with Scipio behind her. A few days later Percy, Sim, and Georgie went to London to record some new stuff.  
  
They’ve been gone almost 5 days now and I am bored out of my mind.  
  
Right now, Scip and I are tending the bar while some metal band plays on stage. They’re okay, not amazing but the crowd seems pretty into it. So much so that a fight breaks out in the crowd and Ebrahim and another employee has to break them up.  
  
I see one of the guys throw a punch then immediately retract his hand in pain.  
  
“What happened there? Is the guy's jaw made of steel?” I ask Scipio loudly so he can hear me over the music.  
  
“Oh, probably punched wrong,” He says putting a freshly clean glass on the racks under the bar.  
  
“You can’t punch wrong. You just punch,” I laugh refilling someone’s drink.  
  
“You very well can boy,” He says now leaning on the counters behind the bar.  
  
“How?” I ask with disbelief.  
  
“Watch," he moves to stand in front of me, “Make a fist," I make a fist with my non-hurt hand, he chuckles a bit.  
  
"Hey, _I_ don't punch wrong," I say annoyed.  
  
"Oh really? Then punch my hand." He says holding his hand up  
  
I punch, his hand is moved back a bit which fills me with momentary joy then a shoot of pain goes up my arm.  
  
"OW, WHAT THE FUCK!" I exclaim shaking my hand.  
  
"That's how a punch can go wrong," he says with a laugh.  
  
"YOU LET ME DO THAT?!"  
  
"You got cocky," he says with a shrug.  
  
I roll my eyes and dramatically throw my dish rag over my shoulder.  
  
"Okay Okay, look all you gotta do is move your thumb to the outside," he says before holding his hands up again. “Try now.”  
  
I do, thumb on the outside, I reel back and punch with all I have, and his hand moves back. No pain this time.  
  
“That punch is looking much better,” He says with a chuckle.  
  
Scipio did teach me to punch once before, but it was right after I met him and he wanted me to able to protect myself since we were still hiding.  
  
That’s probably why he laughed when he saw my fist now.

*****  
  
  


The rest of the night goes somewhat smoothly, I’m tired and want a drink and I want to curl up on the floor and die…but aside from that everything is great.  
  
I make it home, carefully not waking my family, and make it to my room.  
  
I take my shirt off, because it smells like whiskey and sweat, and fall onto my bed.  
  
Percy texted me goodnight a few hours ago but that’s all I’ve gotten. I remember when even after he said good night, he’d text me something because he never actually goes to sleep until about 3 a.m.  
  
I don’t get a lot of text from him anymore; no memes or random songs he thinks I’ll like. Just “good morning, how are you, good night.” Accompanied by my one-word responses.

We “made up” after that conversation on the lot but everything still feels muffled and on edge.  
  


_“I’m sorry Monty, I’ll try not to act like that anymore.”  
  
_

That’s what he said when we were talking about it. We agreed that I will talk if I want and nothing more. He won’t bother me unless he’s worried. So in his defense, I asked him to not care.

I toss my phone across the bed and reach into my bedside door for a pack of cigarettes.

Percy always says I shouldn’t smoke, that if I’m going to smoke something at least make it weed so I don’t get lung cancer. I think it’s more because he doesn’t like the smell.

I pick up my phone and turn a playlist, I don’t really have slow songs, or “aesthetic songs” as Percy calls them. So I just turn on a sleep playlist and hope something helps.

I open my window and sit with my legs dangle out. It was raining a while ago but it’s stopped, leaving the top of the trees with reflective water droplets. The stars make it look like this shitty forest I live in is nice. The wind blows through my hair and room making some of my less secure posters move.

The first song is _Slow it Down_. Fitting.

I hold the cigarette and light it, I watch the paper char setting the tobacco alight.  
  
  


_I feel her filth in my bones  
_   
_Wash off my hands til it's gone  
_   
_The walls they're closing in  
_   
_With velvet curtains  
  
  
_

The smoke fills my senses and I hold it in almost until I can’t breathe. I used to compare that feeling to seeing Percy. My throat would close, my chest felt tight, I could never tell if I was going to cry or scream.  
  
  


_Some love was made for the lights_   
  
_Some kiss your cheek and goodnight  
_   
  


I thought maybe if he cared enough to date me, to kiss me, to hold my hand. Everything would be better, except I came to the realization, that I’m in love with him.  
Which would have been lovely if not for my inability to let things go.  
  
  


_Lift up a red high heel  
_   
_Lock up your doors with steel  
  
  
_

I could live with Percy not loving me back, but he’s trying. He shouldn’t be, I’m a god damn mess who misread situations so badly I ended up pushing away the _one_ person who gave two shits about me.  
  
  


_They're makin' noise in my street_   
  
_My blinds are drawn I can't see  
_   
  


He’s trying to keep me, he’s trying to stay. Now that he’s finally gone somewhere, I know he’ll want to leave and that’s how it should be.  
  
  


_Smashed in my car window_  
  
 _Didn't touch the stereo  
_  
  
  
Our nights, well, early mornings, at the recycling lot were lovely. Smashing glass and denting scrap metal. Letting music guide our actions like we were puppets to these bands who don’t know our names. I loved those times.  
  
  


_Slow it down, Angie come back to bed_   
  
_Rest your arms, and rest your legs  
_   
  


Though it’s time we woke up. Well, it's time I woke up. Realize that Percy will go off with Sim and Georgie and they’ll all become successful musicians. While I will work for my father’s company.

I feel tears stream down my face as I take another drag.

My torso starts to hurt again, feeling like someone is inside me grabbing my ribs and pulling on them.  
  
I hit my hand to the side of the window in an attempt to fix the pain. An old trick Eton taught me, redirect your pain.

Though I miscalculated because that was my already hurt hand and now it’s worse.

I yelp in pain and the cigarette falls out of my mouth and on the wet grass. I watch as the flame stops.

I groan in annoyance and let myself fall back onto the floor. My head hits the hardwood and pain spreads throughout me again in a familiar wave.  
  
  


_I never, she never, we never looked back_   
  
_That wasn't what we were good at_   
  
  


I run my hands through my hair and try to push the sobs down my throat. I don’t deserve to cry, I don’t deserve the luxury of feelings.  
  
  


_And when it came to love_   
  
_We were not good enough on  
_   
  


The song ends and _Alligator Skin Boots_ plays. I turn over (which makes my entire body erupt in pain,) and I look under my bed and I see it. The half-empty vodka bottle I have.

I haven’t drunk much recently, only the occasional one in which my hands shake super bad, but I really want the pain to leave.  
  
  


_And yeah, the doctors were nice enough_   
  
_They just said I'm fucked  
  
  
_

I don’t care if it ends with me passed out in my bathtub. I don’t care if it ends with vomiting everything I’ve ever consumed. I don’t care if it ends with my family being disappointed.  
  
  


_Just like my mom is fucked_   
  
_I bet your dad's fucked up_   
  
_And in the blacklight, I could tell a sick joke_   
  
_Maybe in the blacklight, I could tell a sick joke  
  
  
_

I’m already the family disappointment. I was set up at birth. A short, queer, boy, whose only friend for 6 years were statues carved into the front windows of their house. Then it only got worse.  
  
  


_Twinkle Twinkle little star  
_   
_Alcoholics don't get far_   
  
  


Then at I found out what sex was, at Eton, I found out that boys liked to do that with me, and in the summers I learned girls liked to as well. I found out what alcohol was, I found out that some of the boys I hooked up with had this fun thing called weed.  
  
I learned that the more you layer the less you see of your own body, less of your own bruises. I learned that no one has to know your father beats you till you’re unconscious.  
  
All the attributes of being the family disappointment I learned and memorized.   
  
It'd be the only class I'd get an 'A' in.  
  


_Unless they drink and drive  
_   
_Let's go for a ride  
_

I crawl over and grab the bottle, flick the cap off and drink.  
  
Percy would be so disappointed in me.  
  
I guess that’s new. I’ve never been the friend group disappointment before.  
  
I am now.  
  
  


_And I hope I crash and die tonight  
_   
_I hope I crash and die tonight  
  
  
_

I stop chugging and attempt to stand up. I manage to pull myself onto the bed spilling a bit of vodka on my pillow.  
  
  


_Saying, I do not like you  
_   
_I do not mind him much  
_   
_You were just my first  
  
  
_

I deserve this. I deserve all of this. I deserve to have something so precious placed in my hands then ripped away from me.  
  
 _No._  
  
Let’s not sit here and pretend I didn’t crush the precious thing. I did that. I broke my own life. I am the fuck up.  
  
  
  
 _I'm cold to the touch  
_  
 _Leap to my death  
_  
 _I'll die for my friends  
_  
 _I'll lie to the end  
  
  
_

I lift the bottle up and chug.  
  
The vodka rushes down my throat and some of it spills down my front.  
  
I chug until it’s gone. Until I can feel it travel through my system.  
  
  


_It goes like this  
_   
_Well I ain't sorry  
_   
  


I take the empty bottle and throw it as hard as I can, it flies out the window and I hear it crash on the ground.  
  
I want to call Percy, or Feli or someone, someone, someone-  
  
Well, you don’t have anyone do you Monty?  
  
You pushed them away.  
  
You broke the fucking butterfly's wings.  
 _  
  
_

_With broken wrists  
_   
_I climb from these walls  
  
  
_

A gust of wind flies through the trees and into my room.  
  
I fall back onto my vodka-soaked pillow.  
  
  


_My skin crawls_   
  
_My skin crawls  
_   
  


You deserve this.  
  
You deserve this.  
  
You deserve this.  
  
You deserve this.  
  
  


The song ends.  
  
The wind stops.  
  
The house is silent.  
  
Then I hear my phone start to vibrate.

I look over and see it’s Percy.  
  
I wobbly and painfully get up and grab it and click answer.  
  
“Perce?” I sound tired, I don’t mean to.  
  
“Oh sorry, did I wake you?” His voice blesses my ears. He sounds as tired as I do.  
  
  
 _S_ ay yes. Say yes you little fuck up. He doesn't need to deal with you.  
 _  
_  
“No.”  
  
“Are you okay?” He asks.  
  
  
Fine, say no, say the truth, tell him what you did. Tell him how you’re a disappointment, tell him how he should just up and break up with you. Oh right, you aren't even officially together. You're his rumor.  
  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Oh, Felicity told me you wanted to talk to me.”  
  
“I mean I love talking to you but I didn’t specifically ask,” I say with a forced laugh.  
  
You don’t deserve this. He shouldn’t talk to you.  
  
“Ah,” He says with a chuckle, “Well, we’re coming home in a couple of days, and I can see you again.”  
  
“Awesome,” I say with a small smile. That he can't see.  
  
“She did wake me though so I think I’m going to go back to sleep,” He says, and I can hear the slurring words caused by sleep.  
  
“Alright, darling, bye.”  
  
“Bye.”  
  
The music starts up again in the middle of a song.  
  
  


_For the warning signs, I've completely ignored  
_   
_There's an amount to take, reasons to take more  
_   
  


You really are a fuck up. He can't even bear to talk to you for more than 1 minute.

I feel vomit start to bubble up and I sprint into my bathroom.  
  
  


_It's no big surprise you turned out this way  
_   
_When they close their eyes and prayed you would change  
_   
_And they cut your hair, and sent you away  
_   
  


Bile goes through my nose and mouth washing out the taste of smoke and vodka and replacing it with something so much worse.  
  
  


_You stopped by my house the night you escaped  
_   
_With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay  
_   
_You said, "Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way!"  
_   
  


My head hurts.  
  
  


_I'm sure that we could find something for you to do on stage  
_   
_Maybe shake a tambourine or when I sing, you sing harmonies  
  
  
_

My eyes burn.  
  
  


_This is for the lake that me and my friends swim in  
_   
_Naked and dumb on a drunken night_   
  
  


You deserve this.   
  
You deserve this.  
  
  


_But it should've felt good, but I can hear the Jaws theme song  
_   
_On repeat in the back of my mind_   
  
  
You deserve pain. You deserve vomit. You deserve burning lungs.  
  
  


_Make sure you kiss your knuckles before you punch me in the face  
_   
_There are lessons to be learned  
_   
_Consequences for all the stupid things I say_   
  
  


I lean back away from the toilet and pull my knees to my chest.  
  
You deserve this.  
  
  


_And it is no big surprise you turned out this way_   
  
  


I deserve this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right ok, i'm sorry.....i'm also really sorry to say it might get worse....ANYWAY!  
> (also first time skip of the fic...idk what that means but there you go)  
> Thank you for reading hope you enjoyed sorry i take so long writing this lol
> 
> Songs mentioned in this chapter:
> 
> Lazaretto by Jack White
> 
> Foxy Lady by Jimi Hendrix
> 
> Can't Hardly Wait by The Replacements
> 
> Slow it down by The Lumineers
> 
> Alligator Skin Boots by McCafferty
> 
> Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms
> 
> Ok well here is the playlist again [playlist!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0WRVCs5haW2yOmG2BKMmYv?si=-UVNWcmATN6pFHNUxfaBUg) and i hope you guys are enjoying the story!


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